waiting for diphenhydramine
to kick in
has left me a special place
in hell tonight
all that plays on syndicated
memories
is you telling me you've always
been this way
& I've only known "you"
drunk

you are a liar

but I already knew
this
the lump in my throat
swelled
& burst into tiny
gasps for air and tears
as I realized we may never
be as we were --
a pair of lovers
infatuated by the graces of
each other's hands
& whispers

I felt a mighty urge to open
the heart box
(where I keep your letters)
& couldn't
if I did I might believe
that all of it is
gone
all of it for
nothing
I know that isn't
true
I know of your love
& I know it is
real
the brief lapses in clarity
when you touch my legs
or play with my hair
or use your little sing-song voice
when you talk

"wherever is your heart
I call home?"
has the world eaten it
away
& made you long to be
alone?

"oh, god forgive my
mind"
when I miss
home