Mel Little

Mel Little Nov 2023

I think that I am deserving,
Of love, of respect, of boundaries
Of safe *** in ways that may seem unsafe to onlookers
Of *******, lots of *******
And aftercare that's meant to rehumanize the wild parts of me
That sometimes I even forget exist.

I think I am deserving,
Of things
And stuff
And date nights, not being complained at for wearing a dress
Not being called high maintenance for applying eyeliner,
Not being judged for the fifteen minutes I've gotten my routine down to
"Why can't you just wear jeans and tshirts, why can't we just leave?"
Of pretty things, of being a pretty thing

I think I am deserving,
Of security and safety
Of shutting my brain off because I know the man in front of me has me,
My life could be in his hands and I would trust it

I think I am deserving of trusting it.

But I cannot be certain, anymore.

Mel Little Nov 2023

Rorrim

I miss my parents more than I thought I would at 30.

That's not to say I forgive them, or want to speak to them, or want to actually see them.

Maybe I don't miss my parents, but I miss the thought of having parents at all. The safety and idealism of being able to fall back into someone's loving arms.

Except, what I experienced wasn't love at all.. wasn't familial bonds, wasn't safety, wasn't security, wasn't the basic needs of my childhood being fulfilled...

I often joke I was raised by a wolf pack. But only if that wolf pack was a lone wolf, myself, by myself always as leader of a pack.

I still hoard canned goods like the apocalypse might happen, like I might not have money, like I might have to throw a couple things in a pan and make it edible for three kids

I miss my parents, or what should have been parents but was instead a cold dark cave with nothing but the growls of hungry bellies.

I miss the wolves, oh wait, my parents, oh wait, when I look in the mirror I see her cheekbones and his eyebrows and I can't help but want to push my fist right through the glass.

The wolves, I mean black sheep, I mean parents that begot me always haunt my reflection, always come through in the worst ways as I reflect on my life, how do you reflect on this and feel gratitude?

I miss my parents, or the idea of having parents, I guess.

Mel Little Nov 2023

Ouch

I didn't realize that it would hurt to see your name.
Why do I always open my stupid ******* mouth?

Mel Little Nov 2023

2

I watched him walk around his house,
too high to function
The ADHD evident in his chaotic movements,
Too cute for words
Smiles that felt like a new beginning,
Too nervous to move
A hug that shattered my very heart
Too broken to fix
The reality of what is coming ahead
Too much to handle
The warning that I shouldn't have spoken
Too little, too late

Mel Little Nov 2023

Glue and paperclips

A man once made me a ring on a metal lathe and promised to love me forever

So I filled his cup. Over and over. I poured from myself until I was empty.

I created and carried a life for him, I made us a home in which to live

And then I watched as all the walls cracked, and all the effort in the world couldn't hold it all together anymore

But I still tried, patching and sanding. Maybe if we fix the floors, maybe if we paint the walls, maybe if we get another pet

The mud ran out, the drywall broke, the voices cracked and carried until the neighbors could hear every word

And at the end, I built walls of paper, glue and paperclips, pasted on a smile and continued on

It's no surprise it all tumbled down

Mel Little Nov 2023

Alone

Cold, cold, cold
The sun sets earlier now, and all the plants are dying
And I am dead too, a little
On the inside
Though perhaps, not with the the same kind of rebirth

Annuals, pretty when we plant them. Pretty when we care for them. Pretty when we invest our human hands and human time into the soil to care for them

Every spring they pop back up, sunshine and human care and warmth and the love of the beauty of it all. From death to life, all in a cycle.

But no hands have cared for me in so long, no investment. No touch. No digging in the soils of my mind to find out what could grow there.
I couldn't possibly be pretty anymore.

I've only ever had myself. I really should stop expecting to grow back
anew.

Mel Little Nov 2023

Oof

I've only ever been good at ******* **** up for myself

Who needs a faux pas when your mouth opens and you should bury your head in the sand?