I'm my own worst enemy... and this I know to be true

I travel to escape my own self and sometimes that's not enough
I carry inside such sadness that sometimes I start burying myself alive
I feel so much anxiety but tend to keep it tucked inside, as if trapping myself with a straight jacket ...
Always wanting to get out... yelling at the top of my lungs in total silence
And God forbid a tear to run down my cheek... as I will stop my breathing if necessary to make any other emotion feel numb ...

I am my own worst enemy,
and this I know too well...
I won't talk about my feelings or the reasons why my heart gets sad when the sun decides to hide
I tend to stab the pain inside my heart with silence ... even though this feels as if I was stabbing it with knives ...
I know my pain isn't a sign of weakness, but as hard as I try ... it always feels that way

I live in a constant battle ... believe me I'm trying not to give up, I know there's more to see in this world, so I constantly  give myself another chance ...

My strength has been my biggest companion thus far... and my want for more my saving grace ... I just hope they continue to pull me out of darkness ... because this pain sometimes is too much to bear

im the killer of my own dreams,
the ******* murderer of my desires,
the one who holds my emotions hostage
and who holds a pistol against my own throat just in case i even think to dare to speak...

i cuss myself out so tears won't leave my eyes
i threaten my own life to quiet down the silent screams of my soul
i stand the **** up against the girl who constantly looks back at me... destroyed, hurt, bleeding hands, swelled up eyes, barely beating hurt ... in front of the mirror

im the devious prince in my own story ...
but i still wonder if i can be my own knight in shinning armor to come rescue me from my own self...

I've been trying to run away from my demons but somehow it feels like I'm just running in circles...
I've been trying to run away from myself, but the mirrors in my room have managed to trap me inside...
I've been trying to scream and let this air out, but my pride has cut off the oxygen inside my lungs...
I've been trying to figure out my place in this life... but I just find arrows pointing in different directions, so I'm at a standstill feeling lost...

This internal fight is like battle that has no ending date... my soldiers completely exhausted, don't know how long they can continue on... and I in the middle of the field just waiting for the deadly shot.

In spite of everything ... my heart continues on a fearless pursuit for the thief that has taken happiness its hostage ... my heart doesn't care how much my mind has to fight... or how badly my feet want to run on the opposite direction.

My heart is the ultimate warrior, the only one to save me when my anxious lifetime companion tries to become a permanent visitor inside my home.

I found you...
I don't think I've ever said those words before...
But I've found you... as if you were created just for me,
All this time... I tried to fit in someone else's picture, but the frame was just too small, the picture too tight, and I ... too free to fit...

But you don't want me to fit in a certain frame, you have one-thousand of them for me to pick, different angles I can choose from for my own pictures and I want to include you in them... all of them...

I don't feel trapped any longer...
I don't walk on egg shells,
My oatmeal in the morning tastes better,
And my cup of rice is always full...
Coffee is always hot, even when you don't drink any...
And flavor... always plenty with you...

I always have freedom and all the possibilities to reach for the stars...
You believe in me and my dreams, push me to achieve my goals, and have become the strongest shoulder to hold on when I feel like my legs are giving up...

You've become my rock, my guilty pleasure, my reasoning without restrain, the eyes I seek for each morning, the arms I look forward to at the end of each night...

Plans are made easy... love overflows, my soul is at peace...
You didn't have to look for the key to open up my door...
You patiently waited... didn't even ask for it...
You didn't mind being just a guest for a while...
But I took the key out from under its hiding place...
Your eyes told me it was ok, your heart reassured me each time...
So I'm handing it to you without fear...

So let's hang picture frames up on the wall together... one thousand of them ... You and I... and we'll call this our home.

I will not be just a beautiful flower for people to look at, for someone to ****** away from its roots... not water it, and then be left to die in the sunlight...
I will however, be a beautiful butterfly... always wild and intriguing... difficult to catch... I will fly around discovering new adventures... wonderful places to admire... I will write my own fate... my own path to follow...

And I'll know when I've found my person... because I will not be trapped to be turned into someone's trophy just to be admired ... I will be let to fly freely, with the understanding that I will always return happily to my love one's arms.

And as she started freaking out when she was made to see what was already in front of her... her lips muted, but her mind began to scream... her heart pounding so hard she could hear the beats...
So she grabbed a box of chocolate mint cookies, sat on her bed, and ate them slowly one by one... as if to console her heart... to deceive for a moment her anxious soul...

You tell me about your life... and the things that you're doing... and I'm happy for you, I really am...
Knowing that you're trying to find your way and who you are in this life is great to hear...
I'm happy that you're becoming a stronger person, so independent with big goals that I know you'll achieve someday...

I just wish all this would've happened with me by your side...

But I know... you needed to do this alone.
I couldn't help you... this was your "me" time... You needed that "me" time to see what the world had to offer...
And I can't lie... I did too...

I needed to be alone to realize what I wanted ... and to know for sure what I did not want...
I needed to be free to realize that love is hard to find...that real, true, unconditional love is rare...
You were all that.
I needed to grow up... just a little...
I had to be alone to realize how lucky I was...

It's crazy to think that after all the time we spent together,  we're now two separate people...
I'm such a different person than when we met
... my heart has changed, so has my mind.
I don't think I would recognize myself if I saw me five years ago...
I feel that you're different too... and I hope to see this new version of yourself someday...

Life is complicated, and it's beautiful
It hurts sometimes, but the pain makes me feel alive...
Songs... so many remind me of you
Places... can't look around without picturing you there too...
Gestures, sounds, mannerisms... I still have some of yours that I picked up when we were together... They've become part of me too.

I have to say... I do miss you
I recall memories of us together when I'm home alone, or when I'm simple walking down the street... I cherish those moments;  I put them in my heart to have with me always...

I truly do not know if we'll ever have the chance to give this a try once more... I don't even know if we'll ever see each other again...
But I can't say "never"... Life has taught me that much.
Just know that I appreciate every moment we got to spend together, every laugh, every tear, every hug, every kiss...  
You'll always be a part of me regardless of time...
I will always love you.