Remember me as the girl who understood that behind every unkind word or action
is a soul in agony just screaming for help

Remember me as the girl who saw someone crying and refused to leave the person's side until their smile came shining through

Remember me as a girl who nurtured everything she touched so she didn't feel the pull of motherhood the way some girls do because she was already a mother in a million other ways

Remember me as the girl who spoke of Jesus even at the risk of getting yelled at by someone who chose hate over tolerance

Remember me as the girl who always had a pen in her hand because the thoughts in her head as evil as they could be turned into words that shaped the soul of whoever read them

Remember me as the girl who saw sadness so deep yet she found reasons to never give up

Remember me as the girl who loved even when others didn't deserve her heart
because she knows what's it's like to be hated just for being who you are

Remember me as the girl who wore compassion on her sleeve
because the only thing she ever wanted
was for no one to be sad

Remember me as the girl who was brave enough to break apart and sew herself back together despite the pain

Remember me as the girl who was always willing to drop what she was doing
just to dance alone in the rain

I hope life is so kind to you
you will do everything in your power to spread kindness
I hope the love that finds you
treats you right and makes you feel like your constantly flying
I hope your dreams come true and when they do
I hope you stay humble enough to help others reach their dreams too
I hope you get to experience God's grace
in a way that leaves you breathless
I hope you spend more time listening to your heart
instead of the opinions of others
I hope you get to have a child of your own
so you get the opportunity to truly learn how to live unconditionally
I hope the chains to a fear that is holding you back finally breaks
so you can set a new path for future generations
I hope you learn to love yourself so passionately
hate never has the chance to take up space in your heart
I hope that you grow to understand that life
is full of so much wonder
and your beating heart plays a huge role in that wonder

All my life people have looked at me as someone they can walk all over. They see me as less than them because I don't fit the social norms. I can't remember a time in my past where I wasn't trying to impress someone because I was always told I needed to do and be better. I've been slapped around for speaking up. I've been put down over stupid **** that no young person should be put down for. I was held to standards that shouldn't have been forced on me. I was a doormat for so many years and I thought one day someone is going to come along and save me from the emotional wreckage that was my life. What I didn't know was that I was capable of saving myself. Instead of lowering my voice I needed to raise it. Instead of walking with my head low I needed to walk with my head high and when someone wanted to project their ******* onto me I needed to stop blaming myself and start telling that person to *******. So I did. I took a hammer and broke down the walls I built up because some ******* couldn't handle someone who was different. I scrubbed off all of the insults that were painted on me until my skin bled. I looked myself in the mirror and stopped feeling sorry for myself and started asserting myself. I ******* people and I still do. I get criticized for standing up for myself but the ones who are bothered by my strength are the ones who tried to take it from me. I am not the person I used to be and I'm grateful for that. I no longer take orders I give them. I'm no longer the punching bag I am the boxer who isn't afraid to get in the ring. I am not the one to ignore an insult. I am the ***** who will kindly knock on your door and ask you to repeat to me to my face what you said behind my back and then watch you look like an idiot trying to come up with some lie we both know is *******. My crown is no longer crooked and damaged. It's been repaired. I've replaced the ruby's with diamonds and instead of setting the crown on a shelf to look at out of fear of making someone feel bad I've decided to wear it and trust me it feels good to not allow anyone to have power over me in any way. There is a new ***** in town and trust me anyone who gets in my way will be walking dog food when I get done with them. To the ones who still need to be knocked off of your pedestals enjoy your rein as ******* because you will be losing your crowns soon.

When I used to think of dying
I thought of the physical aspect of death
I thought of something physical happening to me
and my organs would shut down
I would stop breathing you know physically dying
I'm sure when everyone thinks of dying
that's all they think about
the physical aspect
What about dying a different way?
What about dying emotionally?
What about dying mentally and spiritually?
We are all born into a certain life that shapes us
We go through phases
we meet people and we experience things that
end up defining us
At some point we discover who we are
We discover what we love and hate
We live a life that brings us a certain joy
and all is well
What if at some point you go through something
you weren't prepared for?
Something every human faces and it changes you
to the point you die in ways you never expected?
The death to the parts of you that you once knew so well
are now so foreign that getting out of bed is no longer scary
It's terrifying
The things you used to love
no longer bring you joy
The people who once knew you
now view you as a stranger
and they make comments about how you're not the same
and you agree with them yet there is nothing you can do
to change the way things are now
Nothing looks the same
Nothing sounds the same
Nothing tastes the same
Nothing feels the same
You try to so hard to be the person you were
before your world was blown up
again by an experience all human beings face
at one point or another
For some reason though the experience changed you
in such a profound way you can't begin to explain it
You want to put into words how terrifying it is
to look in the mirror and no longer recognize yourself
You think you have an answer to the problem
You think "it's just depression.
I've been here before
so everything will be okay"
Yet you know to your core it's not depression
It is a death to the parts of you
that no longer have a place in your life
It's frustrating because you didn't choose this
You didn't want this
You weren't prepared for this but then again
no one is ever truly prepared for death
physical or otherwise
So what do you when you've died but you're still here physically?
How do you grieve the old you
when all you want is to hold onto yourself that is so familiar
yet you know there is so much more to your future self
than your past self could ever provide?
How do you heal from something so common
but to you it's world devastation?
How do you start over with a fresh perspective
with the ones you love are grieving the old you too?
They know you're not the same
Their lives have been shaped too
When I used to think of dying
I thought it was the most horrific thing in the world
and it is
What if death isn't always as horrific as we make it out to be?
What if the grief I'm deeply experiencing is the slow
birth to a version of me I could never be without this grief
and pain that has seemed to take control of my life
like a puppet on strings?
What if this grief is giving me the opportunity to love others
in a way I've never been able to before?
What if it's strengthening me to face fears
that will take me to a life I've spent years dreaming of?
Maybe everything I thought I knew turned out to be *******
and I'm just a tortured writer trying to make sense of a world
in total chaos
All I know is that I'm still here physically
I am still breathing and feeling
I am not dead
I am being reborn
and as doubtful as grief attempts to make me
I have high hopes that everything will be okay eventually

I used to think it was important to save relationships with people
who I knew deep in my soul were no longer meant to be in my life.
It's harder when its a family member but I would rather be surrounded
by people who love me so much it's hard for me to comprehend
than force myself to be around people who truly dont care about me at all.
When you love yourself and respect yourself,
I mean truly love and respect yourself, you will have no problem
cutting ties with people who no longer help you grow as a person.
Is it painful?
Yes. It's a heartbreak.
Is is lonely?
Yes. Change is supposed to be uncomfortable.
Does it make room for people who will love you in a healthy way
and present opportunities for you to shine
and take you on adventures too magical for the mind to understand?
Yes. With every loss comes a gain you never expected.
Will it happen overnight? No.
So what do you do? You grieve, you feel, you cry, you get angry,
you fall apart and you embrace being uncomfortable for a little while.
Then one day you realize you have the opportunity to start over,
to rebuild, to rediscover yourself and before you know it you're smiling again.
You're creating art, you're dancing in the rain and laughing so hard it hurts.
You look at yourself in the mirror
and think "wow! What was supposed to break me didn't and I feel good."
Sometimes making the choice to let go of someone toxic
is the best thing you can do for yourself.
It's never easy but its extremely rewarding in the end.
I promise you that.

Vader the black nosed pitbull
had a very lovely smile
and if you ever saw him
you would stare for quite awhile
All of the other pitbulls
laughed at him because of his size
they wanted nothing to do with him
but boy were they in for a surprise
Then one day in Bullhead City
a man gave Vader a home
They left the pound with joy in their hearts
and now Vader was no longer alone
Now Vader has a family
and they're all filled with glee
Vader the black nosed pitbull
is the best dog in history

Suicide
Now that's something I haven't thought about in a long time
yet lately it's all I think about
I think about that moment when I can end it all
All of the pain I feel inside will just disappear
and I can finally have the peace I so desperately crave
Lately I feel so empty
I feel like I've run out of love that use to fill my soul
to the point I had no choice but to share it
Now I'm empty
and it scares me
My passions have faded away
My longing for human touch has turned into a stone wall
that I fear Jesus can't even break through it
All my dreams are now in bedded into tears
that claw at my face during moments I should be laughing
The pain I feel lately is so new to me
and I don't know how to make it go away
It stabs at me like a million knives butchering away
and I'm left fighting for my life as I bleed to death
I'm crawling to nowhere and when I've had enough
and I feel like I can no longer breathe I fall asleep
not giving a **** if death has plans to claim me
Then I get up and I relive the pain all over again
Some might read my work and think
"**** this woman is so selfish  
there is absolutely nothing that horrible going on in her life
to make her feel this way"
Maybe they're right
Maybe I am selfish
If they could only step into my skin and feel all that I feel
they wouldn't be able to handle it
Maybe they could
I don't know
What I do know is I am tired of fighting
I'm so sick of fighting my way through
just to end up where I started many years ago
To think this battle for my life and sanity
started when I was just 13 years old
If you told me that this would still be my battle 14 years later
I would have laughed in your face
Suicide it's like an evil that leaves a note on your door
in your weakest moments
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no every time
but I've been tempted to check yes
Just when I think I'm close to doing it
I suddenly feel this burst of pain that almost burns my insides
I close my eyes as I curl into a ball
and I see flashes of battles I've won in the past
I see myself with metaphorical swords
and I see my negative thoughts with heartbeats going down
one by one
As I scream in pain I am reminded that I am alive
I have a purpose and I won't find it crawling on the ground
So I pick up my sword and I fight
Every negative comment I recieve I slash in two
Every hand that has ever been laid on me leaving a bruise
I chop to pieces
Every negative experience that tried to **** me I slash it's throat
and I fight
and I FIGHT
AND I FIGHT because I am a warrior
and warriors don't give up
I may be bleeding from places I never knew I could
but I'm breathing
My muscles may be sore all over
but I'm standing
My thoughts can shout out all of the reasons
as to why I should give up
but I'm still here
I choose life
I choose to live
I choose to hold my sword tightly
and use it as a reminder of how far I've come
My scares may be ugly
but they resemble the darkest parts of hell I've faced
and overcome
My heart may be bruised a bit
but it's my compass to my next journey
and it's still beating like it's never been hit
Suicide can leave me as many notes as it wants to
my answer will never change
I'll scream it if I have to
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no

I called him around midnight asking him to come over
I said "I don't mean to bother you but I'm feeling blue and
we don't need to have *** but I need some kind of human touch
before I go insane"
He didn't hesitate and he was at my door by 12:15 am
I opened that door so quick I thought I was losing it
I wrapped my arms around him and he held me tight
I took in his scent and closed my eyes
and as his hands gently caressed my back
I felt all of my anxiety melt away
I didn't want him to let go of me
I wanted him to stay
We laid on my bed our legs intertwined as we were face to face
I was in my underwear and t-shirt
he was in his jeans but I could feel that he wanted me
I asked him "do you want to have *** with me?"
He put his left hand on my face and said
"I won't lie
I absolutely want to have *** with you right now
but that's not all I want
I want to wake up and make you coffee as you sleep in
but it's my bed I want you to wake up in every morning
I want to walk on the beach like we sometimes do as the sun sets
but I want to be able to hold your hand and tell you how beautiful
I think you look when the wind forces your hair to be out of your face
I want to argue with you when you're being irrational
and when you tell me to leave I'll say no because I don't run away
from what I truly want even when things get difficult
I want to kiss you in the rain
and hold you in my arms while we watch movies on the couch
I want to be able to tell you each and every day how incredible
I think you are even though you don't think so
and one day I'd like to give you my last name so I can spend
the rest of my life making you laugh and smile
If I can't have any of that with you
then I don't want to have *** with you"
I looked at him then kissed him on the lips at 4:05 am
it felt like the most natural thing in the world
I didn't feel scared, doubtful or insecure
I felt safe, confident and in love
I turned over and put his arm around my waist
I told him how I liked my coffee
and as he snuggled closer to me
I could feel the smile on his face

Another night without you
lying here wishing I had you next to me
Another star goes by
I make a wish and hope with all my heart
it comes true
I've never wanted anything or anyone
as badly as I want you
I know that I'm probably not on your mind
but you're on mine all the **** time
If you ever feel alone
if you feel your world coming undone
Don't ever think for a second
that nobody loves you
If you're doubting your existence
don't let your mind tell you that you don't matter
Someone out there wants you to know
how special you are
In case you were wondering
that person is me
If I could give you anything
I'd give you my heart
I'd give you the moon
the stars
even heaven itself
I love you so much
in case you were wondering

I had a heart to heart with the Lord today
I was crying uncontrollably
I was telling the Lord about how badly
my heart was breaking
I told him I felt so unloved
lost and unwanted
I told him I felt like my life
didn't have a purpose
In the middle of my crying
I felt a hand on my shoulder
I felt a peace come over my soul
and I heard a voice in my ear
It said "my child
do you not have a clue
how much you mean to me
I knew you existed before you were conceived
I loved you before you even had a heartbeat
My plans for you go further
than you could ever dream
You never have to feel alone
because I keep you so very close to me
If you could only feel the pride I have for you
you bring me so much joy in everything you do
I created you in my image
you are perfect to me
It's time you opened up your heart
so you can begin to see what I see
You matter so much to me my child
you are wanted everyday
Whenever you call out my name
I never hesitate to come your way
I love spending time with you
I never tire of hearing you speak
and when you come to me with a problem
I never see you as weak
It brings me joy to know you trust in me
just like I trust in you
I admire all that you are
I will never abandon you
Child wipe your tears
let me turn them into joy
There is so much you have yet to see
I can't wait to show you one day
You are a child of God
you are here for a reason
I know that you are hurting
but you will make it through this season
Never forget who created you
you are treasured unconditionally
Remember I knew you existed
before you were conceived
I loved you
before you even had a heartbeat"

She grew tired
She grew tired of listening to people complain
about what they wanted
when all they wanted was standing right there
in front of them
She grew tired of reaching out
only you be ignored
She grew tired of hoping people would change
when internally she knew they never would
because change is scary and no one faces
their fears anymore
She grew tired of trying to be strong for everyone else
when no one would be there for her
She grew tired of longing to hear the words "you're beautiful"
"I'm really glad you're around" or "I'm proud of you"
She grew tired of giving so much
and getting nothing back
She grew tired of crying because all crying ever did
was make her face hurt
She grew tired of believing she would get her hearts desire
when reality gave her definitive proof
that she would never get what she wanted
She grew tired of pouring out her feelings
for those who had no interest in listening
She grew tired of being around people
who refused to see her true worth
She grew tired of trying to live a life of light
in a world that turned dark so long ago
She grew tried of aching for human touch
while she fell asleep at night
She grew tired of being a temporary choice
when she treated everyone else like royalty
She grew tired of never being good enough
She grew tired of being kept at a distance
She grew tired of wanting
when she did her best to make sure everyone else
got what they needed
She grew tired when she became empty
and there was no one there to help her
feel whole again

I was looking at you today
and I thought to myself
"wow he is truly the most handsome man
I have ever laid eyes on"
Then you looked up
and my heart just grew bigger
I felt your eyes on my soul
and I thought to myself
"gosh I love it when he looks at me
please don't ever stop"
I get nervous being close to you
because your skin against mine
feels like a dream I never thought would come true
You excite me
You surprise me
You amaze me
You make me blush like crazy
You make me laugh
You make me happy
So smile away
and keep looking at me
I won't ever get tired of admiring you

I loved you
I loved you with a passion so strong
I was convinced it would **** me if I wasn't careful
I saw a future with you
The future I saw was so beautiful
no novel, no painting
no song, no photograph
could capture in perfect detail what I saw
There was so much I wanted with you
I wanted the makeout sessions in a room full of candlelight
I wanted to wear my best lipstick
with a tight dress and not feel insecure
when you stared at me in wonder
I wanted to let you strip me naked
and make love to me with the lights on
while letting you touch my most insecure places
and it would be okay because you found me
to be beautiful no matter what
I wanted to meet your family
and see where you came from
I wanted to answer the hard questions
your family would of asked me
to determine if I was the person worthy enough
to possibly spend your future with
I wanted the cheesy compliments
the late night fast food runs
and the petty arguments when we were both too tired
I wanted to say "yes" in tears
while you placed a diamond on my finger
and I wanted to say "I do" in a room full of people
as we came together as one
I wanted to live with you in a big house
we would deck out for the holidays
and one day fill with babies who were made up
of pure love created by you and me
I wanted to gain wrinkles and gray hair with you
as we reminisced about all of the things
we accomplished together
I wanted all of that
I wanted it so badly I could taste it
but I got scared
I felt it all
I saw it all
I knew all that I wanted with you was possible
and I freaked out
I panicked
I shut down and pushed you away
knowing deep inside I was throwing away
every dream I had with you
I began making excuses of why I
wasn't good enough to be be all of the things
we both knew I would be great at
I allowed my insecurities to take over
and keep you from loving me
the way you wanted to love me
You were patient with me
You tried to be understanding
until you had enough
You let me go and you had every right to
You once told me that loving me
was your favorite thing to do
You wanted to build with me
grow with me and share your life with me
You couldn't wait to make certain dreams come true
You were so happy
until I broke you
I broke your dreams
I broke our dreams because I was scared
If I could go back in time
I wouldn't turn away everytime you tried to kiss me in public
I wouldn't stop you from running your hands on my body
as I got dressed for bed
I wouldn't make excuses not to meet your family
when I had the opportunity to
I wouldn't have switched the topic
whenever you brought up marriage and children
I wouldn't have allowed my insecurities
to convince me that every wonderful thing
you said to me was a lie
I would let you love me
and stop trying to control everything
I wouldn't allow my fear of happiness
to build up the walls that would eventually
tear us apart
If I had a second chance with you
I would take it in a heartbeat
I wouldn't run
I'd stay and love you
the way I have always wanted to love you

He loves her
He loves her so deep it terrifies him
She is everything he has ever wanted in a woman
She challenges him
She makes him laugh
She listens to his words with patience and understanding
She compliments him
He thinks he's not good looking
but in her eyes he's magnificent
She causes him to dream about things he gave up wanting
out of fear history would repeat itself
and tear him apart
She doesn't fool around with other men
because she only wants one
He wants to touch her
He wants to smell her hair
kiss her neck
then take her to bed
He wants to love on her all night
and make breakfast for her in the morning
He wants a future with her
He had her once before
but he let her go because of fear
and he regrets it
He knows she'll wait for him
but he's worried she will get tired of waiting
She deserves so much
but he feels he has nothing to offer her
even though he has everything she needs and more
When she is by his side nothing else matters
He wants to tell her how he feels
He wants the regret to stop eating away at him
He wants to go back in time to the night he lied
and told her "I don't love you anymore"
He wants to stop her from walking out the front door
leaving him alone with the choice he made

His door bell rings
He asked her to come over so he could talk to her
He has no idea what her reaction will be
when he tells her he's still in love with her
His heart is pounding
His palms are sweaty
The door bell ring again
He takes a deep breath and opens the door
There she is
The most beautiful woman he has ever seen
She says his name and he melts
As he hugs her he prays that when the night is over
he has finally told her the truth
and he hopes to God she feels the same way

She was sitting on the roof of her house
in 40° weather just looking at the stars
and enjoying the stillness of the Winter night
He sat down next to her
admiring her beauty under the moonlight
and he smiled to himself as he imagined himself kissing her cheek
He has loved this girl for years
yet timing was never on his side
He cleared his throat and asked her
"you thinking about your future soul mate?"
She looked at him and answered
"I don't believe in soul mates anymore"
Her answer shocked him
She was always the hopeless romantic
She was always the one who still held on to hope
even when her heart felt like it was in a million pieces
She continued to be the dreamer
Even when everyone else told her she was silly
to believe in the ridiculous things
Trying his best not to let her see his shock he asked her
"since when do you not believe in soulmates?"
She was quiet for a second then answered
"I stopped believing in soul mates once I came to the conclusion
that I do much better on my own
All of the love I gave to other men it was either never enough
or too much and I'm tired of trying to figure out
the right way to love someone only to get dumped
over and over again
I'm not playing the pity card
I'm just being honest
I don't believe I have a soul mate
and I'm okay with that
I'm less likely to get disappointed now"
He sat next to her wishing he could tell her
how much he loved her
He adored how she looked when she woke up in the morning with her messy hair and no makeup on
He loved how she smelled of roses even on a rainy day
and how he felt like he was home every time he hugged her
Hearing all that she said he felt hurt
He felt rejected even though he had no reason to
He looked at her once more and said
"I really hope your belief on soul mates comes back one day"
With a half smile she looked at him and said "me too"
She went back to looking at the stars
and he continued to admire her beauty under the moonlight
The more he stared at her the more he fell in love

A snowflake fell quietly on the fingertips of her right hand
As she watched it drift down from the sky
she waited for it to disappear once it touched her skin
However once the snowflake landed it never disappeared
In the blink of an eye all around her she watched the snow rise from the ground
and as it began to spin in a circle she felt herself fighting to stand still
Before she knew it the snow was spinning so violently
she couldn't see through it
Her hair was waving wildly
fresh snow was hitting her skin so hard
it felt like mini razor blades sliding against her pores
As she tried to look for a way through the snow
she quickly came to the conclusion there was no way out of what was happening
She had to let it pass
whatever this was she had to release all control
and trust that this snow would find rest eventually
Slowly the snow started the die down
and it finally fell back to the ground
She stood there trying to catch her breath
as her legs groaned in pain from struggling to stand still
As she began to see around her without trouble
she realized nothing had changed
Everything around her looked exactly the same
She looked down at her right hand
On her fingertips where the snowflake fell was a note
written on pink paper that smelled of sugar plums
It said "the storm you were walking through has finally ended
Your next chapter in life is about to begin
and this chapter will be an exciting one
Let the magic begin
Merry Christmas"
As she read the last word the note disolved into dust
and even though nothing changed physically
somehow the world looked a little bit different anyways

I watched two waves collide into each other
while I was at the ocean
and it reminded me of how beautiful it is when two people
come together as one
They say that it's impossible for two people
to spend the rest of their lives with each other
but I beg to differ
I've never been married
I've never made it past a year in a half in a relationship
yet my belief in love is so strong
and I honestly don't know where that comes from
I used to blame the movies
I used to blame the poetry
I used to blame songs but when I imagine
taking all of those things away and not allowing
any of those things to influence my beliefs in love
No matter how bad the circumstances are around me
no matter how broken I may feel because a certain individual
hurts my feelings and makes me cry
I still cannot let go of my belief in true love
and I don't ever want to
So I stood at the ocean
watching two waves collide with one another
as two waves became one
and I was reminded that it is possible for two people to find each other
fall in love and be together for the rest of their lives
It was so beautiful that I cired

It can be hard sometimes to see your friends
moving on in their lives in ways you wish you could
Some are getting engaged
some are getting married
some are having their first baby
some are already on their third baby
It's not that you are not happy for them because you are
you are ecstatic and you are probably the person they laugh at
for being extremely excited for the happiness in their lives
It's not that you are not satisfied in your life
you love where you are because you know this is where you need to be
but sometimes you can't help but look around and think
"when will my time come?
When will I meet the one who is going to choose to
spend the rest of his life with me?
When will I get to cry at the sight of a beautiful ring?
When will I have the opportunity to stand in front of my loved ones
and declare my love for one person?
When will I get to bring a child of my own into the world?
When will I get to wake up to little arms wanting a hug as they call me mommy?"
Sometimes I feel like the universe is punishing me
because at one point in my life I was so certain I didn't want to be married
I never wanted kids
I never wanted to take the risk of giving my heart away
and trusting someone to not break it
I never wanted to give up my sleeping in however late I want
for having to wake up early in the morning for feedings
and tantrums
I never wanted to sacrifice my body to carry a child
that I would have to be responsible for the rest of my life
I never thought I was good enough to be with someone forever
I always thought I was too messed up in the head to love and guide
another human being into being whoever their heart desired
I was so sure I wanted to live my life alone
without any distractions
Now I changed my mind
I am by myself and I hate not having anyone to come home to
I have all of this freedom and all I want to do is let it go
and be needed
be wanted and share this intense I swear to God it will **** me
love I have inside with someone who will bring out the very
best in me
I don't want to be married tomorrow
I don't want to be a mom tomorrow
but sometimes I feel like I am in competition with everyone
and I hate it
I wish I never wished for the things I did
I wish I wasn't so scared to put myself out there
and I wish I never spent so many years doubting the one thing
I know I would kick *** at
and that's being a mother
I have a long way to go as far as working on myself
and I am not unhappy with my life
I lack patience and sometimes the excitement of
all of the wonderful possibilities my future holds
that haven't happened yet cause me to become so impatient
that I convince myself that certain dreams won't ever come true
I don't want to rush things
I want to enjoy the journey of falling in love
and becoming a parent
Some may think I am crazy and a little bit unrealistic
but I believe in my heart that those things are out there for me
I can't explain the feeling
I just know in my deepest heart it will happen
and when it does I will be so grateful for everything working out
in it's own time

Touch me
Don't say a single word
just touch me and I will prove to you
that you are made of stars
You were created by God
who happens to be the most amazing artist
because he made you
From the lines on your face to your pounding heart
he made you and I get the absolute pleasure
of looking at you anytime I want to
You are made of more than stars
You are made of wonder
and magic
and of love
A love so pure and incredible
I have to pinch myself to make sure
that I'm not dreaming
You are made up of magic
You hold inside of you the key to my heart
You were made for me
and I was made for you
Whenever we kiss I am more convinced
we were meant for each other
Just when the world had me convinced
you didn't exist you showed up
and proved them wrong
You proved me wrong
I thought the one for me was lost
but you found me at just the right time
You are the other half of me I have been searching for
So touch me
Put your hand to mine and I'll prove to you
that you are made of more than stars

There are fireworks high in the sky tonight
and out of 7.6 billion people in the world
I get to share them with you
While everyone is looking at the colors red, white and blue
I get the pleasure of looking into your hazel eyes
and smile as they sparkle while each firework goes off
With every expression you make
my heart gets bigger as my love and adoration for you grows
You could be sitting on this beach with any other man in the world
and you chose to spend the Fourth of July with me
As I kiss your cheek I can smell the sand in your hair
from when you were lying under the sun and you laughed
at some ridiculous joke I made
You asked me to hold you as the waves hugged our feet
and the ocean put on a show that I swear was made for
only us to see
I am so lucky to be sitting next to you right now
I wish this night never had to end

Someone once told me that God didn't create humans
to walk the earth alone
He made us to come together as one with someone else
to grow and walk through life with
I've been around human beings since I took my very first breath
and honestly I still struggle to see why human interaction
is way better than loneliness
Being around people drains me sometimes
to the point I wish I didn't exist at all
Sometimes I wish I had the ability to numb myself
so I couldn't feel anything
Feeling leads you to make choices that only hurt you
in the end
Maybe it's because I am the black sheep in my family
and it's the golden rule that the black sheep is the one
that should be **** on periodically
Maybe I am just a gullible idiot for believing that for once
in my ******* life I can trust someone who will never let me down
Maybe I am insane for hoping and praying to be different
to do things different so I don't end up miserable and hating
every second of my life when I'm old
Maybe it's not other people
Maybe I am the one incapable of handling other human beings
because my whole life has been disappointment after disappointment
Maybe I am the problem
Maybe my constant fear of being shoved away like garbage
once a person sees my true colors is what causes me
to self sabotage anything good that comes my way
Maybe I do self sabotage my happiness
but maybe I wasn't meant for it
Maybe when I was born the Lord forgot to write my happy ending
where everything works out and I don't have to worry about
being let down anymore
Maybe I am finally realizing that all of the good
I had once believed in were just fantasies I cooked up in my head
as a little girl to cope with another beating I got for breathing too loudly
Maybe my fantasies were so great I actually lost my mind
by believing I deserve all of the things most people don't ever
dare to dream about
Maybe I am always going to be the one
who wishes she could be better
yet continues to ruin everything she touches
Maybe it's not other people who are a disappointment
Maybe it's me

Looking into this mirror
picking out the things I hate about myself
when I should be loving myself
Feeling so tired of having no energy
when it's my negativity
stealing my joy from me
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another morning
thinking I'm not pretty
when in fact I'm pretty

Sitting next to a man
he's so gorgeous and those eyes I can stare into them for eternity
I'd like to kiss him and ask him out for a coffee
but I worry I'm not good enough to be with a man like him
I complain that I'm lonely
but I don't take the chance to let someone in
and let them love me unconditionally
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I'm not good enough for anyone
when in fact I'm more than good enough

Lying in my bed at night
thinking of the scars I made on my skin
feeling ashamed for some choices that I made in my past
At the same time though those choices I made
paved the way for me to become a better me
I never give myself credit
for overcoming demons I thought would one day **** me
I'm so quick to bash myself
but I never love myself and that's gotta change
because I can't love anyone else unless I can love myself too
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I'm some mistake
when I'm here for a reason

I don't want to waste away my life
giving into negativity and self hate
when I deserve way more than that
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter

Don't you dare spend another day
thinking you don't matter
because you matter
You more than matter
You are loved

He sat down in front of me with shaky hands and said

"There's this girl I know
she is unbelievably beautiful
Whenever I look at her I forget how to breathe
and when she smiles
Oh my God when she smiles
my world gets a little brighter
She always knows the right thing to say
whenever I'm feeling down
It's like she can read my thoughts
I can tell her anything
and it doesn't matter how crazy I sound
she just listens and reassures me everything will be okay
and I believe her when she says that
because she doesn't make me feel ashamed of myself
She sees both the good and bad in me
yet she doesn't run away
She has seen me angry and she does all she can to calm me down
Whenever I am with her I want to hold her
Every time she calls my name I want to kiss her
and ask her to say it again
I dream about her and it's always the same dream
she is lying in bed next to me just looking at me
and I just look back at her breathless and when I wake up
I want so badly to fall back to sleep so I can feel her next to me
one more time
She is everything I ever dreamed of
and I fear I missed out on my chance to be with her
I need to tell her how I feel but if she doesn't feel the same way
although it will crush me but I won't be angry
I would rather have her as my friend than nothing at all
I just don't know how she will respond to all of this"

I took in a deep breath and processed what I just heard
With the best wisdom I can come up with I told him
"You need to tell her that you feel this way
word for word
everything
no holding back
She deserves to know how you feel
so tell her"

With innocent fear in his eyes he looked me straight in the eye
and said "I already did"

Imagining a life without love
is like opening the door to depression
and asking depression to spend the
rest of it's life with you
I went through a period in my life
where I gave up on loving anyone or anything
I was so fed up with getting my heart broken,
not just by men but friends and relatives too,
that I became this emotionally, empty,
unhappy person
I was so miserable and angry that  without realizing it
I began to build up walls around myself
and my heart because I thought I was safer that way
I may have been safe but I was lonely
I was so lonely I became suicidal
and I had no one to blame but myself
I've learned that if I spend so much time
worrying about the "what could go wrong" situations
that I am missing out on potential happiness
waiting to enter my life and bring me
the best joy I could ever know
I've also learned that heartbreak of any kind,
although it can be agonizing,
can open doors to people and adventures
I never knew I needed in my life
I have a deeper respect for relationships of any kind
I am more willing now to put aside my stubborness
and compromise more because I have a deeper appreciation
for people and their differences
I've felt the pain one can experience with love
and I've also felt the joy
The joy outweighs the pain every single time
I will never make the mistake to push love away ever again
Love is something no human being
can live without

Seeing you for the first time
was like walking on air
after years of struggling just to take one single step
Touching you was like waking up from a nightmare
I had been trapped in
for what felt like an eternity
Hearing your laugh
was like listening to my favorite band for the first time
through headphones and feeling my heart
beat so fast I thought it would explode
Seeing your smile
was like falling off of a cliff
and landing on a bed of roses in a field made of stars
Hugging you was like taking a breath
after suffocating for so long
Kissing you was like fireworks on the fourth of July
with the warmth of Christmas
and the anxiousness of Halloween
Hearing you say "I love you"
was like coming home
and all of the pain I endured in my past
finally made sense
It all led me to you
Wonderful,
complex,
lovely,
handsome,
beautiful,
breathtaking­,
strong,
a dream come true
It all led me to you

Can this be the moment
that I finally realize what I want in my life?
Can this be the moment
that I finally get the chance at happiness?
I may be just a person
with no superhero abilities
like the ones you see on TV
I may be a nobody
but I got dreams as big as the sky
that no one can see
I may be 5.4 physically
but my soul has no limit
to what I can achieve
I may struggle on the daily
but I still wake up thinking something great will happen to me
I can't live without hope
I can't live without faith
I can't live my life thinking that this is it for me
I can't hate myself and expect to be the best for someone
out there who can potentially love me unconditionally
I'm not perfect
but I'm human
and that's all I want to be
I want to feel everything intensely
and not care who is laughing at me
I am strong in ways
I never give myself credit for
and it's not right that I treat myself like I'm not as important
as all of the people in my life that I would die for in an instant
Who will die for me?
I'm going to be somebody one day
I'm going to have my own fairy tale
and it will be messy
and it will be everything I dreamed of
and I won't want to change a thing about it
I gotta believe in what I want
it's hard but I'm learning to trust in life each day
If I can believe in everyone else then I sure as hell can believe in me
I will get my moment
I will get my hearts desire when I least expect it
I just gotta believe in it
I do believe in it
and I believe in myself

I thought about overdosing on some pills today
it's been awhile since I've wanted to do something like that
I feel so guilty for allowing myself to go to such a dark place
but lately it's all I think about
I'm just so sad all of the time
I struggle everyday to keep myself afloat
and I don't think anyone understands how lonely
and terrifying that is
I feel like such a hypocrite for pretending to be happy
when in actuality I am miserable
I just don't see the point of anything anymore
and I don't understand why
I am so young
I am so talented in ways I never give myself credit for
I have family and friends who love me
I have been lucky to grow close to a man
who would take a bullet for me without hesitation
and still it's not enough
Something is missing and I can't figure out what it is
I don't want to die
but I don't want to be sad either
It seems so impossible yet it's true
I am caught between wanting to live so badly it hurts
and wanting to die
I can't understand it
I don't know how I got here
I don't know how to fix the way that I feel
What I do know is doing this by myself is not the best choice anymore
I can't do this on my own
and I don't want to

I used to think the world was a scary place
until I imagined myself not being a part of it
When I was a teenager all I wanted to do was die
I never realized how selfish I was being
until I found something worth living for
I fell in love with writing at age 14
and its been a love affair I wouldn't give up for anything
Through my love for writing I have been able to face demons
and suffer through heartbreaks I never thought I would overcome
Writing is a gift I always feared to share with the world
and I still have no idea why
I regret that now
and I've learned that the only way to let go of regret
is to finally face what has me so scared
I've always wanted to die knowing I made some kind of difference
However I can't make a difference
if I don't do the one thing no one else can do
and that's be me in every way possible
The thing about writing is you can't hide who you really are
The parts of you that you try to hide
always find their way to the surface
and it's those things you try to hide
that make up the most beautiful parts of you
All of the things you think have broken you
have made you stronger
All of the people who have hurt you
have only taught you the meaning of true love
All of the mistakes you made that you can't let go of
they don't hold you back
They make you wiser, tougher and able to make better decisions
I've learned that life is made up of some awful ****
and I have stories that will probably never be put on paper
because they still break me into pieces if I allow them to
Life is also full of so many beautiful things
There is so much to experience
There is so much to see
There is so much to feel
If I had a child and I could give them one piece of advice
it would be to live life to the absolute fullest
and don't worry about falling because if you do fall
you will always have someone there to help you up
The best people walk into your life when you least expect it
Everything has a way of working out
and some of the most beautiful memories are made
through the darkest moments when you thought nothing good
could possibly come out of whatever is currently causing you
to go to bed with tears in your eyes
If I could tell my younger suicidal self one thing
it would be to choose life because you have no idea
when it's going to be taken from you
I used to wish I had the answers to everything
I used to wish I could see into the future because I thought knowing certain things would calm my present anxiety
Trust me when I say it doesn't
If something is meant to be it will be
If not then something better will turn up and surprise you
Until then do one thing for me and live
Take time to appreciate the beautiful colors nature has to offer
Take time to hug those you love the most
Make time to visit places you have always wanted to go to
but you always came up with excuses as to why you could never go
Tell the one you love how you really feel
and don't worry about looking stupid if they don't feel the same way
What matters is that they know and you were brave enough
to tell another soul how much they mean to you
Don't hide from the rain
Don't get angry when time moves too slow because whether you see it or not it goes so fast and you can't take back the moments you spent being angry
Promise me despite your fears you will live
Do that for me
Please
That is all I ask

Dear Santa
I don't ever ask you for anything
not because I don't believe in you
I just don't like to ask for things
I feel selfish when I do
Out of all of the things a woman my age could possibly want
this is all I truly desire this year
All I want for Christmas is true love
the kind of love people obsess over in songs and books
I want kisses that feel like electricity exploding
that feeling of someones hand in mine causing more goosebumps on my skin better than any snowfall ever could
I want deep conversations that prolong into the early morning and breakfast at 12pm because we slept in late
after being up all night
I want passion so real it scares the **** out of me but it's okay because I have someone to share that he passion with
I want care rides full of laughter over things most people are too uptight to laugh about
I want a connection to someone so intense I can't describe it with words
I want the good, the bad and the ugly that comes with true love
I know true love isn't perfect but that's what makes it real
It's messy, complicated and scary
but I'm brave enough to want it
Without love life is empty
whether it be a romantic love,
platonic love,
love for your family or pets
Love is magical
I just want someone to share the magic with
I know what I'm asking for is impossible and a little weird
but it's all I would love to have for Christmas this year

When I first met you
you took my breath away
When you first said my name
my walls all broke away
When you first smiled at me
my heart just went insane
When you first grabbed my hand
my life was never the same
We are colors crashing in the sky
We are stars colliding in the night
We are storms dancing to the sound of our souls
We are lovers dying to love

So kiss me as long as you want to
Don't worry about stopping I don't want you to
Just take me as I am flaws and all
We are colors crashing in the sky

When you first told me I was you rock
I said you are are mine too
When we had our first fight
you yelled I can't live without you
And we danced and we danced and we danced
until neither one of us was angry
With my head on your shoulder I heard you whisper
you are my soul mate
And I said

Kiss me as long as you want to
Don't worry about stopping I don't want you to
Let me take you as you are scars and all
We are colors crashing in the sky

And we danced and we danced and we danced
until the world around us disappeared
And we laughed and we laughed and we laughed
until happiness was all we could hear
The kaleidoscope of our colors
getting stronger and stronger and stronger
And we entered a world where neither of us
could ever lose each other

And we kissed as long as we wanted to
Stopping was never an option
because we never wanted to
And we took each other as we are
scars, flaws and all
We are colors crashing in the sky
We are stars colliding in the night
We are storms dancing to the sound of our souls
We are lovers dying to love
As the kaleidoscope of our colors
gets stronger and stronger and stronger

Breakfast on the balcony
the weather is 56°
I am wearing a hoodie and leggings
as my cat lies near my feet
It's supposed to be chilly all day long
and I plan to stay in and read
I'm going to open up all of my windows
and let the autumn air take hold of me
I've been waiting for this all year
a perfect day such as this one
Where I can sip my coffee and enjoy the gray clouds
instead of the yellow sun
As I dip my French toast into my syrup
I feel a leaf fall onto me
My face lights up as I welcome Autumn
to have breakfast with me on the balcony

I am sitting next to a window on an airplane
It's 2:05 in the morning
I am watching the lights of the city I love
shine brightly below me
The higher I get in the sky
the smaller the world looks
yet for me I feel so big
and I am not scared of anything
When I am on the ground
I feel like anything can harm me
However in the sky
I feel like I can do the impossible
I don't mean perform miracles like Jesus
I mean my dreams
Everything my heart desires that I think will never happen
seems possible now that I am high in the air
Those hours on the plane are unlike anything I have ever felt
Most of the people around me are irritated
and can't wait to get back on the ground
but not me
I could stay here all day if it means I get to feel this way the entire time
I don't mind at all

It's 6:05 in the morning now
I can see the tiny world below me waking up to a new day
The plane is about to land and I feel an ache in my chest
As I feel the wheels hit the ground I feel myself start to cry
I don't mind being on the ground
as long as I maintain the same feeling I had when I was in the sky

She was always a rose kind of girl
She adored roses
It didn't matter what color they were
A rose was a flower that always took her breath away
yet whenever she dreamed of a field of flowers
she always dreamt of sunflowers
Her dream was always the same
Her hair long and black with a crown of red roses
She wore a long white dress that danced in perfect harmony
Her nails were red as blood as well as the lipstick on her lips
She smelled of Japanese blossom and passion
She was barefoot which was strange because she hates having her feet uncovered
In a field of sunflowers she twirled in non stop circles
With the sun on her skin she could never get enough of the beauty that surrounded her as she spun to the music only she could hear in her heart
As the sun set she would lie down and put her arms on her chest
It was in that field of sunflowers
she felt her very best

I feel like such a burden 99% of the time
I think about what life would be like with me out of the equation
and sadly I feel like everyone I love would be better off
My parents won't have to deal with the embarrassment of their daughter being a high school drop out
with no ambition in life other than to write poetry about how sad she is
My brothers and sisters won't have to deal with the annoyance of their sister being so sad she can't get out of bed some days because sometimes being around people for too long drains her
My nieces won't have to grow up having an aunt who is bat **** crazy and they won't ever have to deal with the embarrassment  and annoyance my family suffers
My friends won't have to worry about their friend who can never stay happy for too long
My boyfriend wont have to deal with the stress of having a girlfriend who cries everytime she looks at her reflection
God won't have to waste his time blessing me with this life I take for granted because I am a lazy waste of space
My body wont have to work just to keep me alive when all I do is punish it for not looking the way I think it should
I feel like I waste people's time
I feel like I make everyone's lives stressful just by breathing and I don't want that
I want to make the ones I love happy
I just can't seem to do that