I think about him a lot

when I'm sad
and when I'm happy

And I think about those moments when we look at each other and suddenly we're the only two people in the room

and I wonder if those moments mean anything to him

Does he feel the way I do
when he holds me in his arms as the sun rises

Does it mean something to him, when he holds my hand and brushes my hair out of my face

Do you think he ever wonders if we have a future together
or gets butterflies when people say my name

Does he ever look for me in the crowds of people
or get excited when my name flashes across his phone screen

Has he ever hoped that we would run into each other in the produce aisle at the grocery store
Or that we'll go home to watch movies by the fire together after a long day

Has he replayed my smile in his head over and over again hoping he can recreate it

Does he speak highly of me when his friends ask
does he think I could be something special, maybe we could be something special


Do you think he thinks about me?

Do you think he feels the same way?

Every once in a while I return to my thoughts here,
I re-read them, re-say them, re-feel them.
I revisit the darkest moments and I relive the pain.
It hurts me to recall the excruciating pain I was in....the pain I was in over a boy.
It hurts me to remember lying in my room night after night, clenching my chest to see if I was still breathing.
It hurts me to know how much I gave of myself, how much I lost of myself, and how much pain I allowed myself to be in, over someone who did not love me the way I deserved.

But I needed to learn, and I did.
I needed to feel pain, to know proper love, and I did.
I needed to see your flaws to stop loving you, and I did.
I needed to get out, and I did.
I needed to see I deserved more,

and I do.

It hurts to know how much he hurt me
It makes me sick to know how much of myself I lost


But it gives me a chance to grow
He's given me the chance to fall in love with myself
And learn how to better myself
Showed me I never want to be as weak as I was when I was with him
He's given me the ability to know there is better love , better life
A love that does not cheat, or neglect

Because of him I know I am worth more than he gave me
I can find happiness within myself
I am strong, and I am beautiful
I will find someone who respects me,
find someone who loves me as I should be loved

I deserve better. He showed me that.

I don't know how to love myself
I've loved a million but it's always someone else
I see beauty in every stranger I meet,
It might be time for me to admit defeat
There are a thousand flaws in every mirror
Nothing to love it can't be clearer
I'll give until my blood runs dry, but never take
Every night I only wish I'd die before I wake

For three years, I have loved you effortlessly
With every bone and every nerve in my body.
You may have been scruffy and broke, but you were mine, and we were in love.
You kissed me hello, you kissed me goodbye, you squeezed me every time I was near and held me when I was hurt.
But over time, you saw how in love I was,
and you saw that I would do anything for you, and you took that.
You stopped loving and started taking.
Your love became a falsely reassuring "nothing has changed"
I became your last priority
and then you cheated, and you lied and yet I was still loving you, still letting you hurt me. I wanted to believe you loved me, I wanted to believe it was a rough patch...because we were forever.
And to this day, you still reassure me that one day I'll be yours again, and so I still fought for you. I told people I knew you and this was just a phase in your life. I told people one day you'd be back, one day we'd find love again. But after everything I did for you, you only continued to lie and cheat. So maybe I did know you, maybe we did have a powerful love, one that maybe could have lasted forever... but I don't know you anymore, and I don't want to, and this is my last goodbye.

My heart yearns for your sadistic, egotistical mind
Every day you say you love me and every night you leave me alone to cry once more over that sick fetish you have of watching me fall apart
And yet the morning comes and once more I'll rise for you
I'll live for you, I'll die for you
My lungs breathe for you, my heart beats for you
You make my blood boil and my hands shake
You say jump, I say how high
You say leave, I say I'm sorry.


And I don't deserve this
I deserve someone to love me
to show me what it's like to be cared about
I deserve to not sit here writing on my tear-stained laptop about how you've ruined everything that I once had and everything that I once was
You've taken over who I am and created a mindless creature
I am not myself, I have lost myself
because of you
You are the most toxic being I have ever encountered
And finally,

**I will get out

I've spent two years of my life clinging to your chest
Listening to your beating heart
and smiling into your icy blue eyes
I fall harder everyday

but I feel my heart sink further every second
I want to throw up
I want to rip out my hair
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
You've taken over every piece of me
You've turned me into a slave

You've forgotten what it means to love,
You let me follow your every move and breathe your every breath
You etch out your thoughts with my blood
You've taken my innocence and beaten me to the floor

I want to be loved again
let me find love again...