My lips are open but I cannot speak
My tongue is numb, my lips are weak
So in silence here I sit
Harassed by the ever present IT
He watches me as I walk by
I think I'm okay, but I know that's a lie
As long as he's watching, I  can't say a word
I wish I could fly away like a bird
They all had a sense to turn and flee
But my life has collapsed, I'm stuck in the debris
So stuck here in the rubble, I try to live
No kindness or understanding are they willing to give
So secluded in and alone in a closet off the hall
I hide as the lockers all slam, shaking the walls
I hope he won't find me, in a sanctuary here
Maybe someday my worries will just disappear
But for now...

Conversation
No Sensation
Things I've yet to say
Your words still sting
Just lingering
I hang my head in weak dismay
Thoughts of sorrow
Bar tomorrow
Keep my from the night
I walk the paths back to the past
And they all lead back to the same place

Why do I still call you name
After all this time has passed
Former feelings
Still have meaning
Voids I've yet to fill

There's moving on
It's been and gone
But I can't help but keep standing still
You affection
Stark reflection
Of how things used to be
Gotta bide my time
Gotta keep me mine
Gotta keep myself from thinking
Gotta keep myself from drinking

Life is a tornado
Spiraling out of control
This is an all time low
Falling into a black hole

This is not just a phase
Filled with so much sorrow
As I struggle through the days
Not something I will out grow

Everyone is so accusing
The faces get blurry
It's all so confusing
No new to worry

It is hard to pretend
Everything is okay
Maybe this is the end
All my eyes see is grey

The clock ticks
Seconds pass
Can I be fixed
Will this pain last

I am a wreck
This isn't what you expect
Life is heck
It just can't be perfect

Life is a tornado
Spiraling out of control
This is an all time low
Falling into a black hole

I seem like an amazing girl
Who is always so bubbly and happy
I seem like the girl who has a regular family
I seem like the girl that has no problems
Going on in her life
I seem like the girl who stays so strong
When something goes wrong
But honestly if you think
I'm that kind of girl
You don't know me at all
I make it seem that I have no problems
When that's all my life is anymore
I seem like the most happy girl
But that's just what I want you to think
I seem like a strong girl
But I'm actually weak
I wish I was that girl
That I play out to be
But wishing is all I get
To do these days
I wish, but I never recieve

Hiding in the dark corner crying on your knee
Tear stained skin gathers all around your face
Turn the lights back on and try to cover if with makeup
Hope no one calls you on your humiliating secret
You wish your life wouldn't be this way
You always tell yourself that you are going to change
Yet still you always end up back in that dark corners refuge
You know how you are supposed to feel
So you pretend that you're filled with joy
But you are the only one who knows what really lies inside your soul
Just keep away from the temptation of tears
And the dreams that gamble with death
Just lie in your mother's arms
Wrap yourself up tight knowing all the while
That tomorrow everything won't be alright.

I'm the girl who sits at the back
I'm the girl who always hides
I'm the girl that nobody speaks to
I'm the girl with no friend by her side
I'm the girl who doesn't care
I'm the girl who doesn't speak
I'm the girl who's pushed around
I'm the girl they all call weak
I'm the girl who gets no peace
I'm the girl who's all alone
I'm the girl who sits and weeps
I'm the girl who lives in fear
I'm the girl who has no use
I'm the girl that tries to smile
I'm the girl that they abuse
I'm the girl who has no life
I'm the girl who tries to run
I'm the girl whom you ignore
I'm the girl who has no fun
I'm the girl who tells no one
I'm the girl who hates my school
I'm the girl they love to hurt
I'm the girl who's so not cool
I'm the girl who wants to escape
I'm the girl who wants a friend
I'm the girl that no one sees
I'm the girl who wants the pain to end

What's up?
Only friends ask that.
What's wrong with you?
Only jerks ask that.
Where are you at now?
Only lovers ask that.

Don't want to give up
So you give in.
You've reached the ******.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Only ******* ask that.
Do you like me?
Only crushes ask that.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasabi?
Only dorks BFF's ask that.

I could pour my heart out to you
You say I can trust you
But people say that all the time
The never mean it
They tell your parents
Or whoever
Can you just keep this to yourself
I just pour my heart out
I don't know what it is
I just want to tell you everything
What would you say?
What would you do?
What could you say?
What could you do?
Maybe you can help
Or maybe you can't help me
Maybe you could give me hope
Or maybe I'm hopeless
I guess I'll never know
Unless I pour my heart out

I'm not hungry,
But I'm starving

I should eat,
But I can't bring myself to.

It smells so good,
yet sickening.

I know this isn't okay,
But I'm just fine.

I'm going down the drain,
But I don't mind.

It's horrid,
But it's meant to be.

Thank you,
But no thank you.

I know you want to help,
But I don't need help.

I'm not hungry,
But I'm starving

Worthless
Everyday I fight
But then, I realize that they are right
Everyday an endless strife
To get a somewhat "social life"
All the torment impales my heart
Seems there is nothing to set them apart
I come home crying everyday
I foresee no other way
Have the blade, ready in my hand
I'm ready to depart this land

For a moment I wonder where I am
All I can hear is a large door slam
Could this be revenge
Locking me up on this ledge

I don't know but I just want someone to be here with me
I don't even care if I am not set free
All I want is some interaction
I don't even need to see a fraction of the world outside
Because apparently this is where I now reside

In the shadows of the night
Which swallows all light
And no one cares where I am
All the want is to see my door slam

A bloom, a little piece of life
A rose so red it hurts your eyes
It grows until it's tall and high
But eventually it withers and dies

Hey
That one word
Those three letters
Can start a lovely friendship
A lifetime full of love
A fierce war
It all depends
On you
On me
It is up to us
This could be hate
This could be love

Love
that one word
Those four letters
It can set you free
It can lie
It can break your heart
It can change the rest of our lives
For the good
For the bad
It's up to us
It's up to you
It's up to me

What if
Those two words
Those six letters
They can change everything
For the good
For the bad
It can change a life
Your life
My life

Just one question
Only you can answer your question
Only I can answer my question

Hey
Sometimes that one word, those three letters can lead too...
Love
Sometimes that one word those four letters can lead to...
What if*
Sometimes those two words, those six letters can lead to...

Any number of things
It's up to you
It's up to me

I walk down the hall with you on my mind
You are one of a kind
One in a zillion
How did I get so lucky to find you
Can you see it in my eyes when I look at you
Then I run into HIM
My ex
I try to run because his eyes burn
I kick and go, yet the thought of you makes me smile
Your hugs make me want them more
Why do I feel this way
Am I supposed to
I always think of you, I try to fight the feelings
But I can't, they are too wonderful
Sometimes all you can do
Is love even if the person does not know it
Sometimes all it takes is just to say those words
Sometimes that's all you can do

I cannot finish
What I never started
And I can't feel anything
But broken hearted
I can't step forward
If my feet are on the ground
And I can't stop screaming
Though I make no sound
So who can help me
Can I be saved
Can I crawl out of this self made cave
I remember life
And I know of light
But all I want to feel is numb tonight
How can I go on
When it hurts to smile
Real and true happiness
It's been a while
It won't come easy
If it's worth anything
No one can help me
I must spread my wings
I say I'm a survivor
I say that I'm strong
But who knows that I am hurting
When I pretend nothing is wrong

You have so much pain
That you hide
How do you do it
Keeping it all inside

I can only wish
That I could be as strong
I guess I've just
Been holding on too long

But I won't be
Holding on much longer
I just wish
I could be stronger

But instead today
I'm giving up
Bye
I hope you have more luck

If I left,
Who would dare follow?
If I asked,
Who would dare answer?

If I spoke,
Who would dare listen?
If I laughed,
Who would dare laugh with me?

If I cried,
Who would dare wipe the tears?
It I died,
Who would dare shed the tears?

If I said "I'm fine"
Who would dare disagree?
If I finally asked for help,
Who would dare be there for me?

I know it wouldn't be you darling,
You don't dare to care.

Sometimes
I feel
As if the walls are caving in
Or maybe the world is caving in
It's all my fault
I destroy everything
Everything goof
I am worthless
People regret talking to me
They know that I'm trash
And so do I
Once they realize it
They just toss me around until I'm in the trash
I just wish it would stop
Everything needs to stop caving in
I know how to fix it
Maybe I should just leave
Everything would be better

Good riddance to you
Your immoral and cruel jokes
Will harm me no more

Your callousness, cruel
Transgressed the bounds of cruelty
You are inhumane

You called me a game
You knew not of compassion
You slayed empathy

You call me a book
Then tore out every last page
I was just garbage to you

First I thought you sweet
Now I know you sour
You call me poison

Good riddance to you
I know that I must go now
You can not linger

With your arms around me
All my worries melt away
It is as if you will never let go
And I know that you won't

When you whisper into my ear
All my pain floats away
It is as if you will never leave me
And I know that you won't

I look into your eyes
Everyone else disappears
You are all that I need
I know it's meant to be

You look into my eyes
No one else matters
I am all you need
I know it's meant to be

It is as if you will never let me go
It is as if you will never leave me
And I know you won't
I know it's meant to be

My heart beats faster when I talk to him
I smile at his every text message
He makes me laugh when I am down
He makes me feel loved when no one else does
He makes me feel so beautiful
He has my heart no doubt

My body longs for him
My lips want his
My fingers want to connect with his
And never let go
I want to feel protected
In the strong arms he has

It's crazy how strongly I feel for him
In so little of time
I never would have known that someone
Can make you feel so loved, special, and wanted
Just over a text or call
I want him like I have never wanted anyone else

I have always wanted someone to be crazy with
Someone who can make me fall in love everyday
Someone who loves me despite my flaws
Someone who understands me and all I go through
Someone who isn't afraid to shout his love from the rooftops
That someone is you

You crossed the water
Left me ashore
It killed me enough but you wanted more
You blew up the bridge, a mad terrorist
Waved from your side, threw me a kiss
I started to follow but realized to late
There was nothing but air underneath my feet

I see you standing there
Acting all innocent
I see you giving me glares
You are full of ****

You said that you loved me back
But that was a lie
Do you know how many times
You've made me cry

With your gorgeous blue eyes shining like the sun
You always told me that I was the one
You always tucked me in at night
And love you know that you're not as bright as you think you are

You broke my heart
Tore it into pieces
You told everything
Even shared your "Secrets"

But that was all a lie
You don't even care
You just wanted accessories
You didn't even care

I gave you every ******* thing
I would have even bought you a ring
But since you tore my ******* heart
We are now split apart
And now you say "Lets go back to the start"
But love I know I've cried
And I know you lied

When the moon rises
My body sinks
It goes to the bottom of the sea
Where the monsters hide and wait
For their escape
But my barrier is not a cage, it is the darkness

When does the light come to knock on my cell of despair
You ask if it will all come
Is it my turn? Does this end? Can I get help?

No! My cage is darkness
Where the light never shines

I wait in my deep slumber for times and times I don't know
But when it is time, the sun finally shines on me
The cage wasn't inescapable
They were only my demons

Dreams come and go
The darkness was only my immense imagination
The monsters were only my covers soon I crawled away from them
I was free, time to live the fear of days and days to come
I'm waiting for it's worst

In the bliss we sang our song
Under the fading sunlight
Against the tree we stood holding hands as words left our lips
Words killed the silence, lyrics spoke our heart out
Strings of the guitar that you plucked with your fingers
Did spread love all around you and I

We walked under the light of the stars
In the Coloradian winters you and I held onto hope
Even when eyes couldn't see what was ahead
A creek or the edge of a cliff on which we walked
It was only trust that let us see the sunshine

If only you are to wait and standby
As I find the courage to say a few words that I have been meaning to say
A heart beats those words as I take a breath looking at your face
But only if you could hear my heart beating
And the silence that surrounds me in the dead of the night

She'll stand strong
She won't fall down
Though heaven cries their song
And hell weeps along
Though she wears the tattered gown
And the shattered crown
Her story won't be told
A forgotten history left to grow old
Though her heart will be cold
Her eyes will be dry
She won't cry
She'll learn to fly
Her head held high
She'll move on
In the light of breaking dawn
She's a born survivor
She'll spread her wings of light
And take flight

I'm done making myself believe
Every lie you tell me
I know I forgive
But I was too blind to see
And I was wrong to ever trust you
But I'm glad that we are through
Now that we're done
I can't believe it
All this time
You kept her as a secret
I hope she was worth it
Yeah I'm done
I AM DONE
You stare at me with glaring eyes
Cause I am not deceived by your lies
I finally saw
Through your disguise
You cut and burn our favorite picture
But cry and learn when I am with him
I caught you kissing HER
Exactly the way you used to kiss me

Why am I this way
Why was I made
I'm confused everyday
I should just fade
They say they don't care
Well ******* too
I shouldn't even share
These stories that are true
They all hate me
I guarantee they do
I should just leave to see
What they do and who
I'll just go
They won't even see
I'll just go
So I can be me

I smell something in the air
It feels like a superstition
For I cannot prepare
For the pounding reminisce
It tosses through the longest nights
And I can'r put up a fight
At least not anymore
Because you're gone

Since you've been gone
I can only find the wind
It blows through me like a hollow shell
Nothing is here, it used to be within
But when there's nothing inside
If I never love
Will I ever cry?

Where is the difference of light and dark?
Why do you fear whats lurking in the shadows?
When will you tell what's really in your heart?

Read this and let your mind open a window
Into the damning realm of hell
No one here will answer your cries
Nor will they ever hear your yells

There won't be a tear shed if you die
Your soul doesn't stand a chance to survive
Deprived of all unworldly pleasure
With every minute you're growing colder inside

Nothing left in the world to treasure
Blackness is what's left all around
Lightning strikes, leaving glimpses of crimson red
Do you even know if you're standing on the ground
Is there anything left for you to dread

Feelings of suffering, sorrow, and pain surround you
Which of any of this is reality
Everything trying to suffocate you
When are you going to see things clearly

Look into a mirror, and tell me what do you see
Are you surprised that you see me
The one who you try to deny

In the darkest depth of light
You can still find a fright
There is no possible way to describe
The offerings the shadows bribe

Somehow I always imagine fear
To be grinning ear to ear
Because it lurks in the shadows of the night
And can consume even the brightest of light

Thought this phenomenon is rather strange
It is only our brains
You see, fear is only in our minds
But it seems to swallow us all the time

The night sky crowded by clouds
The moon shone blood red
The smell of lightning filled the air
The presence of death is near

Chills went up and down my spine
The rain starts to pour
Like little needle at my skin
Yet I feel no pain, I shed no tears

Standing in front of me, I see myself
The person I once was and will be
I have become a stranger to myself
The person in front of me disappears

Something hard was in my hands
There was something warm and wet on my arms
I look down and saw a puddle of red blood
When did this knife get here

As I lay to die, I do not cry
Instead I think of all the pain that I have caused
I was a failure to those who I love the most
This is what is feels like to die.

I think it's more the current of your being
That pulls you into my embrace
The ink is permanent and seeing
Beyond your eyes and smile like a race
Against the teachings offered then
When I could taste the bittersweet guilt
When I remembered how to count to ten
God's words were fabric in my family quilt

And now I'm being lured away
By yearning kisses and your cashmere love
It means enough that I just with you'd stay
I've given up a lot, too much, above
From where this scene is crystal clear
The angels cry, ashamed of me
Or laugh and whisper words of comfort in my ear
I guess the truth, I'll always fail to see

These moments so awaited accidentally
Of pressing my heart up against your chest
Eliminating arid sorrow gently
Just giving, taking, and forgetting all the rest
And touches, lighting love on fire
I let you drink it off my tongue
Our firm embrace composing infinite desire
Ephemeral reality leaves aspirations hung

And where could I inquest salvation
For both of us, and keep it all
Avoiding lies and slick temptation
Recovering after the fall
Past midnight, stirred by dreams of wishes
A teardrop slips off eyelash tips
My soul just murmurs, breathes, and swishes
Awaits to brush against your lips

You want to know my thoughts
To unmask me
This is what you sought
Try as I might, I could not flee

Are you satisfied with what you find
To know that my soul is hollow
When you look into my mind
You see that I am shallow

I use what I can to get what I please
Is this what you want
Or do you want me to leave
Know this is not some stunt

I'm a faceless face
You have broken my mask, my shield
In this endless space
So let's make a deal

Let me mend my mask
Keep these thoughts hidden well
Learn there are things better left unmasked
And you will do well

Got me doing the wrong things
Got me hating and loving life
Got me on my knees begging for mercy
Wanting you to take me once again
Bring me to a whole

With the light to guide me from your eyes
Your smile made the sun rise
Your touch melts the coldness away
You were my lover, my protector
You brought me out of darkness
Gave me hope and a will to survive

The love you gave me made the world alive
You my king and I your queen
Taught me how to love once more
Not knowing the price
I was to be your wife
Our lives and bodies intertwine

Only to wake to find it was a dream
The look in your eyes went from lust to hate
You wounded me in way words can't describe
You left me without uttering a single goodbye

Drowning in my own misery
Stranded on an island
Surrounded by the empty sea
Been waiting for the sun to rise
Engulfed by the flames of darkness
Searching for a friendly face
In a crowd of lonely strangers
Straggling between lines of reality and fantasy
What is real and what is fake

Who is to judge in this place
The rain pours every night
Filling the sea with tears
Searching for that someone
To take away my fears
Put the past behind, and end this insanity
Take back the love that has been stolen
To replace the hatred that had befallen
And lift me off this forsaken island

What is life
Give me a knife
To end my life
End the emptiness inside
This can't be what life is really like

How blind I must have been
Not to see my life flash before my eyes
This life is not meant for me
Leave me alone and let me be
I don't need the pity you have given me
Look at what your sheltering has done to me

If I had known what it was like
Would I still be the same
Am I the one to blame
Your trickery was cruel and evil
To believe there could be everlasting love
To make life seem to be a gift from up above
To make me want something that won't ever be
So tell me now, is this what life is meant to be?

Don't know which right choice to make
Wish that everyone would wake
Open their eyes and see life
Not the "Society's" lie

Everything isn't black or white
So how do you judge what is right
Taught to think by the people before us
What's the deal with all the fuss

Where's this thing we call trust
Hidden beneath all the rust
Weathered away like our innocent
Taught that it's just another incident

To walk away from it blindly
Giving it up gladly
In exchange for a mask
That doesn't let you look back

And invisible chains
That bind you to the society

In time of the lords
The fruit was ripening
Reaping their rewards
Time was left crying

Their children sent to die
For an unreachable dream
They looked to the dark sky
Spirits protested with screams

The darkness fell
Lasting glory they seek
Where the lovers well
The glorious gods weep

On mortal hands
Where the fate lays
With unwritten plans
They fought and slay

Turning the dream into desire
Everything was torn asunder
They gather by the deadly fire
Sky pleaded with breaking thunder

Time is but nigh spent
Victories being won in wars
This is what heaven has sent
In the time of the lords

You think talking is the cure
Somehow I remain unsure
That speaking is the way to light
To cast away the gloom
My throat scratches from the tears
Seems I've been silent for years
Now my endless talking will surely be my doom
You say I can get better
Though I am scarred by the scarlet letter
The darkness is my friend
And will always have its way
My voice is gone as I lay crying
On the floor I bleed here dying
Stubborn enough to say
"There's nothing left to say"

It's more than thoughts
On paper
It's my life, my soul
My lifeline
The rope I cling to when life gets
To tough
For me to handle
Can't breathe
It's more than a melody in
My head
It's the reserve
I breathe

My oxygen fuel in the form
Of ink
Tracing black ribbons across
White paper
The most beautiful image in the world
With this pen I can create
An entire universe in a single stroke
My hand, my mind, my love
My essence

It's more than just a paintbrush
It's proof to show you I care
And I just sit here doodling
Wallowing in the depths of my despair
You must know that I am sorry
You must know that I do care
It's just when the world is spinning
My sorrow I often share
I never meant to ruin your life
And when you turn to your despair
Just remember it's a battle
Just remember I am scared...

Nothing stops for life
Even when you dearly need it to
The earth keeps spinning
Yet all I can think of is you

I'm done with ****** up reality
And apparently it's done with me
I keep getting stabbed
And the pain is trapped in me

The numbness is hollow
And hollow prevails
I was told he died for me
With wood and rusty nails

Is this a story
Did he ever exist
The savior I've learned to love
Has fallen to abyss

The blood keeps flowing
Down and over my hand
Why does hurt have a habit
Of being washed up on the sand

You can try to help
But I'm too numb to feel
I've been consumed
I don't know what's real

So I'll paint my nails once more
And hope you forgive me as well
I promise that this nothingness
Will go and burn in hell

All I want is to feel pretty
All I want is to feel loved
All I want is to be skinny
Not the obese pig that I am right now
If I could fall into a man's arms
If I could look into a mirror without crying
If I could just once
Step into the world with
A genuine smile
Maybe I'd realize
Maybe I'm worth it

Come make her bleed
Fill her deepest need
See into her eyes
See the darkness inside
Watch the wicked smile
She's burning for a while
Fueling her to be free
Free from the sin that won't let her be
The screams strike as thunder clash-inside the broken glass
Fist pounding as cuts lash
Glass shattering until she's free at last
Until there's nothing inside
Nothing but the silent screams
The ones of broken dreams
Of the girl that sees nothing but black
Of the life that she can't get back
So come see her bleed
Fill her darkest need
See into her eyes
See the darkness inside
The screams strike as thunder clash-inside the broken glass
Fist pounding as cuts lash
Glass shattering until she's free at last
She won't come to those who call
She won't come to any at all
The girl that sees nothing but black
Of the life she can't get back.

I wondered why I started ,
How I started,
It used to make my cry when I did it,
But not anymore,
I go deeper and no longer care if my legs scar,
My heart and soul are scared enough yet nobody sees that so maybe I should show the world my mind and mentality,
Yet I hide it from the world,
My parents don't want to believe it so they ignore what they see,
If they don't care why should I?
I want to die,
I have absolutely nothing left to live for anymore,
The cutting is maybe the reason that I am still alive,
It's the only think that keeps me from jumping off the precipice,
And ending my pathetic existence.

Everything is nighttime now,
My heart and soul are pitch black,
My pain and my inability to handle it scare me,
I no longer have a sun to guild me,
When you cut,
It gives you a momentary relief then you feel worse than before,
But like and addiction that you can't stop,
You won't stop until you reach your eternal sleep or damnation in Hell

Beauty is in every single thing

Even in the parted skin as the blood flows from within
Like a new born stream it takes shape
As it drips down my stomach and flows beyond
I see my own version of beauty everyday
When I look hard and slit away
Beauty is in every single thing
In all my scars and every wound being created

All it takes is my urge to grow, and I'll be impossible to care for

"Let me ******* die!!" I scream
They drug me to make me happy, but on the inside I'm just ****** up

Once I had a chance to escape, I found a knife and slammed it into my heart

I was broken
This was my life
Now it's over
My urge grew I was impossible to stop

This was my breaking point

People joke about suicide
Think it's just a game
Think people cut for attention
Starve themselves for fame

Little did they know
The girl behind them was bipolar
Wondering why they thought it funny
To feel a complete loner

Would they finally get it
When she starved herself to death
Or hanging off the ceiling
Having taken her last breath

Then would they see
Would they actually stop to think
That a girl took her life
Cuz her daddy liked to drink

If they saw her body
Crumpled, bleeding, lying on the floor
After jumping 20 stories
Out her balcony door

If they saw her head blown in
If she took to big a fall
A rope around her neck
Her blood on the walls

Now she's gone because of you
Her spirits in the clouds
Her parents utterly confused

IS IT STILL A JOKE NOW???????