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AJ Jun 2013
It is one seventeen in the morning,
And I want a toasted bagel with cream cheese.
I want a swimming pool.
I want a hot pink LL Bean backpack
Filled with all of my happy memories,
An ample supply of band aids,
And some chocolate caramel cream savers.
I want to walk across the country in five minutes.
I want to find an empty treasure chest on a deserted island.
I want to freeze the world at one seventeen.
I want to blow out vanilla scented candles.
I want to want what I don't need to want.
AJ Sep 2014
1.) Out of the one thousand and ninety-nine days that you were mine, I only regret three of them. The day Brian ***** me on that pool table, the day your dad moved back to Italy and I didn't come over, and the day you put yourself into this hellish suicide coma.
2.) If truth or dare turned two little girls into temporary lesbians, than so be it. Honestly, nothing ever tasted sweeter than you on that night on the bathroom counter at Tim's.
3.) I will grow up to be incredibly cultured all because of you. I learned to look outside the social norm after our late night dates on the roof. Getting high in your lap as you read me poetry, and played me Damien Rice's The Professor & La Fille Danse on repeat was more than enough.
4.) I always thought you were tradition and I was your French Revolution. But now I'm seeing that I was the revolution, and you were the revelation.
5.) You could not sing a single god ****** note. But the only thing I want to hear is your squeaky voice serenading me with our song right now. I promise I won't be annoyed, just finish chorus with me one more  ******* time.
6.) I would have helped you get to your father. I would have helped you. I would have set your mother on fire to avoid this.
7.) I threw up when I got sams phone call about what you had done. And then I screamed at him for an hour.
8.) I won't ask how could you do this to me, because right now I want to do it to you.
9.) Thank you for punching Brian, and I'm sorry you got fired, and I'm sorry your dad left, and I'm sorry your mom hit you, and I'm sorry that I could not kidnap you and bring you to our own private island in the middle of no wear.
10.) You showed me what star you'd become when you died, and told me that if I wished on it you would do your best. I know absolutely nothing about astrology and constellations. But your star is the one thing I find faster than the moon in every night sky.
11.) The last sip of every bottle of ***** I will ever have, will always taste like the last kiss we shared.
I don't know.
I just found out that you died on Sunday.
You took the right combination
Of pills this time.
And that feels wrong,
Because your favorite day was Tuesday.
And your mother didn't even allow
An Obituary in the paper.
And sam and I will never forgive ourselves,
For destroying all you photos.
I have none left to remember you by.

But I found your star in the sky tonight.
AJ Oct 2016
1.) Out of the one thousand and ninety-nine days that you were mine, I only regret three of them. The day Brian ***** me on that pool table, the day your dad moved back to Italy and I didn't come over, and the day you put yourself into this hellish suicide coma.
2.) If truth or dare turned two little girls into temporary lesbians, than so be it. Honestly, nothing ever tasted sweeter than you on that night on the bathroom counter at Tim's.
3.) I will grow up to be incredibly cultured all because of you. I learned to look outside the social norm after our late night dates on the roof. Getting high in your lap as you read me poetry, and played me Damien Rice's The Professor & La Fille Danse on repeat was more than enough.
4.) I always thought you were tradition and I was your French Revolution. But now I'm seeing that I was the revolution, and you were the revelation.
5.) You could not sing a single god ****** note. But the only thing I want to hear is your squeaky voice serenading me with our song right now. I promise I won't be annoyed, just finish chorus with me one more  ******* time.
6.) I would have helped you get to your father. I would have helped you. I would have set your mother on fire to avoid this.
7.) I threw up when I got sams phone call about what you had done. And then I screamed at him for an hour.
8.) I won't ask how could you do this to me, because right now I want to do it to you.
9.) Thank you for punching Brian, and I'm sorry you got fired, and I'm sorry your dad left, and I'm sorry your mom hit you, and I'm sorry that I could not kidnap you and bring you to our own private island in the middle of no wear.
10.) You showed me what star you'd become when you died, and told me that if I wished on it you would do your best. I know absolutely nothing about astrology and constellations. But your star is the one thing I find faster than the moon in every night sky.
11.) The last sip of every bottle of ***** I will ever have, will always taste like the last kiss we shared.
It's been two years, since I wrote this poem.
Two years since you died.
But I find your star in the sky every night.
AJ Jul 2020
Was it chemistry or nuclear physics?

I’d rather be heard and not seen.

It’s a dream
It’s a dream
It’s a dream
It’s a dream I have not seen.
Where am I and where were you?
AJ Oct 2013
I lost it.
When did I lose it.
Months ago I thought
That I owned the ground I walked on,
And no one could touch me,
And people would fawn over me,
And I was perfect, and beautiful, and adored.

Not now.

Washed up
Unemployed
Fat
Alcoholic
Depressed
Basket case.

I peeked already.
And it wasn't even that good.
I was mostly just pretending I liked it.

Well that's just great.
AJ Jan 2016
My stomach is so tight
If there were any butterflies in there,
They're probably dead now.

The room is spinning
Spinning and bobbing and weaving,
Weaving webs and stories and lies.

Don't threaten me.
AAA
AJ May 2017
AAA
I'm trying
I think.

I'm not sure where I am,
Where I'm supposed to be,
Or how long I'll be here.

The GPS is still recalculating
The engine won't turn over.
I have not reached my destination.
I am not in a safe location.

There is not a story that I should be writing.
There is no writing on the walls.
There is not a forth wall to be broken.
And if it's not broken, then I can't fix it.
AJ Oct 2013
I was going to write this poem
On anxieties and procrastination.
But then I decided to write it later.
But that really freaked me out.
So here it is.
AJ Jan 2015
Did you not read the words  "FRAGILE"?
The letters where in all caps,
Stamped on my chest.
Not my heart.
Just my lungs.
Practically glass.

I'd say I'm holding my breath,
but....
AJ Oct 2013
Do you remember the time
Where you discovered that
You weren't absolutely magnificent?
I do.
I remember the exact moment.
I was six.
And when I was six I had this way
Of opening the car door from the inside.
I would pull the handle,
And kick it as hard as I could.
It was not very hard,
Barely enough to open the door.
I was only six,
If you recall.
And my mother saw me doing it one day on vacation.
And she told me
"If you kick that door one more time
I'm going to hit you so hard
You won't be able to breath for a week."
I wanted to be good.
I didn't want to be a child of Satan.
But two days later,
On the way home from the beach,
Eating a little bag of popcorn,
I kicked the car door open.
And I stared at my outstretched foot
In total disbelief.
Paralyzed.
And I realized I had failed.
And my heart flew out of my chest
And went into hiding in the tips of my toes.
And my eyes didn't well up with tears,
The welled up with the entire Atlantic Ocean.
And I just realized.
I had failed.
I did something very wrong.
I am not good.
I am a child of Satan.
I am not
I am not
I am not
Absolutely magnificent.
AJ May 2015
I am beautiful,
And I am life consuming.

I am a wild night,
With tequila
And **** strangers
And uncomfortable
Heels and Lingerie.
Loud music,
Sweat and kisses and mystery.

I am a lazy morning.
Cartoons and pancakes,
Large cup of coffee
And the front page of a newspaper.

I am ***.
I am chocolate.
I am electricity.
I am a weak pulse,
And strong urges.

I am a princess.
I am unstoppable.

Don't get comfortable.
I'll make you squirm.
AJ Jun 2013
You were cruel.
Your hands were cold,
Tearing open my legs.
You liked it when I screamed.
You liked it when  I cried.
Your laughter cut like diamonds.
You made me feel like trash.
You cancelled all my doubts,
With even worse doubts,
With nightmares come true.
You broke me.
You cut me.
You scarred me.
You scared me.
You ruined me.
You liked it when I plead.
You liked it when I begged.
Your laughter cut like diamonds.
A diamond in the rough way you treated me.
You broke me.
You smashed me.
You liked it when you destroyed me.
AJ Dec 2015
I'm sitting here in a club that's very
Well it's dark,
But it's not a place for women.
And who knows,
I think it might be the thirties.

I'm surrounded by men,
All in impeccably fine suites,
I'm drinking countless martinis,
I never have to light my own cigarette,
I know this is what I do every single night.
Everyone fawns over me.

I know that I'm very powerful.
I have the power of a man.
So I act like a man.
Not *****,
Just unashamed.


Maybe I have a rich father?
That sounds right for the time.
I can tell that I am very powerful,
I already know that I am
"Breathtakingly gorgeous".

Everyone eats out of the palm of my hand,
I am fun.
I am free.
I am the untamable soul.

You know?
The one they right novels about.
The one that "got away",
Because she was a song bird,
And one that wouldn't fit in her cage.

And I am to be a married woman.
Someone will disburse my power.
I will become a miserable housewife.
I will have four children.
I will bake apple pies,
I will let my husband
Please himself using my body.
I will help with church bake sales.
I will drink.
I will drink.
I will drink.....
AJ Aug 2015
It was false,
And you were false hope.

You were small bursts of attention,
With the nastiest of intentions.
You were late drunken nights,
With thoughts that sounded right.
Your words slid down my throat so smooth,
I didn't even realize it was poison.

Don't dangle the antidote darling,
I'm too proud.
I'd rather die than beg.
I'm not the weaker of the two of us.
Tick tock.
You know you won't let it end like this.
I'll watch the clock run out.
It will stop us both.
AJ Oct 2014
My self harm scars are fading and somehow I want more.

Sometimes when you touch me unexpectedly, my heart punches me and the flashbacks start.

I don't snort adderall for schoolwork, I do it so that the demons of sleep and bad dreams will shut the **** up.

When I was a little girl, I used to pinch myself on my rib cage when I got upset. I guess I started early.

I hate your ****** hair because it reminds me of my ******'s.

I'm turning into my mother.
AJ Jun 2016
Please help me iron out the irony.
It can't all be vinyl records, tea shops, and other hipster *******.
What are you even doing.
Tick tock golden boy.
Usually I name my poems after one liners in a song or random chunks of words from a tv show. But SNL ended for the season and I ran out of good TFB quotes.
AJ Mar 2015
I'm not sure how to explain this.
When I was younger,
I thought that when you died,
You were reincarnated
Into things that were part of nature.
But not organisms.
Wind, bodies of water, and rocks.

And the special souls were saved for storms.
The powerful and the passionate.
Hurricanes and snowstorms.
Sometimes colliding.
And I could always tell if they were fighting
Because of hatred and anger,
Or reconnecting with love and longing.
Or if it was a little of both.

I know that I am magnificent, powerful,and special
But I would love to just be waves
Constantly returning to the coast of Maine.
You and I crashing over each other
Constantly become one.
Stretching out to touch civilization,
And pulling back to our own world.
Filled with fish and boats,
And maybe someone will give us a message in a bottle to deliver.
AJ Dec 2018
It's definitely easier to be creative than constructive.
I can plant the seeds and draw the plans,
But nothing will ever come to fruition.
I'm not a woman of action,
I'm a woman of movement and superstition.

I would press fast forward right about now.
No need to see how this one plays out,
Just to see if it does actually play out.


Funny enough, I've pressed play too many times before I realized I cannot slow this back down.
I can't see what's right in front of me until I'm right in front of it.
AJ Oct 2017
I can't see my self in this head space.
I need the constant rhythm, I need to keep time
But this clock doesn't have a second hand.

My "living in the now" is everyone else's nostalgia.
I always feel like I'm living two years in the past.
I guess that's how long it takes to absorb the impact
When the collision is head on.

When I was younger I was always told I was mature for my age.
Thank you, it's the abuse.
Thank you, it's the ****.
Thank you thank you, it's the trauma.

I'm not being honest,
I'm being truthful.
AJ Sep 2013
Sometimes I wonder
If I take pride in being a tragedy.
And then I catch myself
Staring at the ceiling,
Too drained to even sit up.
And that's when I see
That I might have built this room,
And filled it to the brim with hell,
And entered it with my own free will,
But I wasn't the one who locked the door.
I hate
I hate
I hate
I hate
I hate.
I said I hate.
AJ Aug 2015
I feel like every time I talk about him,
I use the wrong word.
When I say "******",
I feel like I'm giving him a paper bag,
Under which he can hide,
And distance himself from what he's done.
It feels like a type of absolution.

His name is Bryan.
He is a six foot and two inches tall monster,
That I wish lived only in my dreams.
He rides a motorcycle,
Has a dog named Gilbert,
And smokes unfiltered camels.

And I was wrong.
He is not a monster,
He is a person.
And he is not just a stupid boy,
He is a man.
And he is not just the generic term "******".

He is a human being who is seriously ****** up and I'm not going to give him the privilege of having his name withheld from my story.
So yes, I'm ******* sure.
AJ Jul 2019
I am stuck in that moment right before a fall
Right before the glass shatters
Right before an impact hits
Right before jagged edges sink their teeth
Right before.

I am stuck.

It dawned on me that it's no where near dawn.
I'm trying to be realistic and holistic, but the logistics are dualistic.
AJ Jun 2015
I'll repeat your name over and over again,
After conquering at least a third
Of any large quantity of alcohol.

But you name is not a chaser,
And it burns worse than whatever I'm drinking.

I guess my intoxicated self and I,
Are just two different people.
And she just isn't over,
What you have done.

She gave you the exhilaration,
Of knowing you had complete control.
And you never paid her back.
I hope you have regrets,
Because I promise I won't forget.
AJ Aug 2013
We're all walking cliche's,
So what's the big deal?
I can  wear a beanie and a gay pride tee shirt and moccasins,
And listen to Neutral Milk Hotel,
And talk about feminism and politics.
Do not kiss me with your mustang convertible and your ****** piercings.
I am a taken woman.
But I will take your free drugs.
Thank you very much.
Stop mourning me,
My arrogance should never have been a turn on.
Pretzel crisps, tattoos, and student loans.
It's hard walking down the boulevard of broken dreams,
And bumping into all the other lonely souls.
AJ Jun 2013
Do you remember,
first day of last september?
We said goodbye,
you cried,
I wiped the tears from your eyes with my lips.
Can we go back?
When you were safe in my arms, and I was mesmerized by your charm.
 
I miss you, your silly laugh the way you walk, babe can we go back?
 
When we laughed till will cried,
then kissed till we were satisfied.
Lying in the sand,
will you hold my hand, again?
Oh darling it's not the same,
when you're not the one calling my name.
Can we go back?
Where the whole world stopped just for us, two stupid kids so it must have been something special.
 
Cause I miss your smile and running my fingers through your hair,
and your voice when you sang, and the clothes you wear. Babe can we go back?
 
Do you remember,
first day of last september?
Can we go back and make that day the rest of our lives? Babe can we go back?
AJ Apr 2014
I bleed and I purge,
Because when I do
More leeves my body and my soul
Than just blood and *****.
The white blood cells cannot
Fight off my self hatred
Your hatred
The lies
The insecurities
The words anyone ever said
Everything I've ever heard
Ever over heard.
The bruises I get from you all might vanish
But they poison my blood.
And every meal I eat with anyone,
And with myself
It is poison.
I bleed out thousands of pounds.
I regurgitate the words I heard
As you held me down on that pool table at the party
And as you showed up drunk to my basketball game when I was 13
And as all of you stood outside my door bashing me.

But it's all a virus.
I can't get rid of all of it,
And everything multiplies.
It grows.
It fills me up
And it's why I'm so big.
AJ May 2015
Breathing this air
Is like breathing in water.
It's so thick,
Yet I feel so light headed.
That last part was your fault.

You received a punch to the face,
And chalked it up
To your stubborn stupidity.
Now every dried up
Piece of advice
That you try to administer to me,
Through a ***** used needle
That you found on the street,
Tastes like copper.

I'm just hoping for the next gust of wind
To wash that taste right out
Of my mouth.

Fill my head with something more substantial.
You're not Superman,
You can't barely pull off Clark Kent.

Remember when you called
That old man's heart attack at the mall?
Back when we were just learning,
About our special skills?
I've got a lot better at sensing the physical pain,
But your still not as good with the emotional.
I never told you this, but later that day
A strange old lady came up to me and said,
"I know what both of you can do.
I'll pray for you to be saved,
But your friend here has abused his gift."

She knew about you.
AJ Sep 2014
Someone write a poem for me
Or about me.
Just stroke my ego or something.
I'm very tired and I need
Something more than coffee
And stale cigarettes
To get me through the rest of this week.
AJ Aug 2013
I'm currenty somewhere between
Emotionally void
And too emotional.
It's not just OCD, or depression, or anxiety.
Or what everyone else thinks I have.
Just, you know,
ASPD.
Ha.
It makes me laugh.
**** yourself.
I need therapy again,
And I'm so jealous of those who can afford it.
I need meds,
And I'm so angry at those who can get it.
I know I need help.
But when you act out or ask for help
And all you get is silenced
Because it means your parenting is week
Because you care how it affects someone else instead
Because it is too much for you too handle
Because you'd rather I fix you,
Then I'm not going to get better.
Do you know how I solve it alone?
Razors and safety pins to make it dull,
Nyquil and Tylenol PM to get some rest.
***** and **** to medicate the main problems,
And binging and vomitting to get the physique back.
Maybe I don't need help.
This seems to be working pretty.
Well, only if pretty well means not at all.
AJ Jun 2013
Cards down
Shields off till you're vulnerable.
Drink one more sip until your comfortable.
Conversations with the fascination of no shield. Never yielded to a point.
Innocence is the question, you revoked the answer.

Pool table nightmares for the girl who once had no fears. Your laughter is like
a diamond, the only thing that can cut the glass. Now she's the one that can't
wear white with class.

Big bad wolf stopped little red. "Would you rather be sad, or would you rather be dead?"
"I'd rather be nothing", the little girl said. Now sad on the outside, and inside she's dead.
AJ Jun 2013
There is a brown bin on my back porch.
It is filled with pool tarps and bad memories.
It is raining now
And the rain is pelting it,
And if the bin could feel pain,
I'm sure it would be screaming.
I am glad that I can count on the rain to fight my battles for me.
It is like my protective older brother,
Beating the **** out of desperate lovers and child abuse.
That brown bin that I cannot stand.
AJ Sep 2013
I cannot begin to describe
The thoughts that go through my mind
When  I think of you.
You make me think of things
I haven't thought about since I was six,
And it's like you know what
Thoughts I will think tomorrow.
AJ Jul 2020
Or else I'll ****** the clouds.
And I'll do it at night, so the suns not there to witness.
The moon is too tired, so she'll just look away.
Not that she'd care.

Did you know she's evil?
The moon I mean.

She's calm, and dark, and seductive,
But it's all just a trap.

You know, she leads the sun to suicide every night.
And she watches.
Can't you see her over there, lying faint in the evening sky as he slowly fades off?

But he comes back every morning.
Unable to escape his torturous immortal fate.
So she just hides and plots her next attempt to lead the sun to his destruction yet again,

And maybe you to yours for the first time.
“Kaye: You know what the sun looks like?
Janet: No, What?
Kaye: Like he slit his wrists in a bathtub and the blood is all over the water.
Janet: That's gross, Kaye.
Kaye: And the moon is just watching. She's just watching him die. She must have driven him to it.”
-Quote from Tithe by Holly Black


Blast from the past.
I wrote this over a decade ago when I was 15, after finding this quote. For some melodramatic reason, I felt like the words had shot straight to my soul.
AJ Dec 2014
Human anchors are far too disposable.
I got too greedy, and I sunk the boat.
And I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
I got so lonely.
I made friendship bracelets out of anyone who stood too close.
But I always manage to lose the good jewelry.
"Well,
I am the barely living son
Of woman and man who barely made it,
But were making it."
AJ Dec 2013
I'm so angry.
I really am.
You are college students.
You think you could tastefully
Complete a project on eating disorders.
I very well know that
Demi Lavato is a beautiful woman.
Is that honestly all you can say?
How could you possibly romanticize this issue.

My throat burns because of the acid.
My teeth are ****.
I brush them three to five times a day.
I lock myself in the guest bathroom in the building
So that I can ***** in private.
I can eat a whole loaf of bread in three minutes.
When I was in high school
My mother tried to force me to eat breakfast.
So I filled multiple gallon bags
Of cereal and rotting bagels and toast.
I don't eat meals with people.
I bring a take out container to my dorm
Once a day
Stuffed to the limit with food.
And I eat it in ten minutes.
And then I *****.
And sometimes I cut
And sometimes I sleep
But I don't even cry over it.
I itch my legs at family meals
Because taking another bite seems unbearable.
It's not something I care to discus.

To tell me that men can't have eating disorders
And that women are the only important ones.
I am a woman
But that makes me feel even sicker than my ED.
Ana and Mia are pansexual.
They don't care who you are
And they don't care if you hate them.
They will become your best friend
And they will stalk you
And destroy you
And they don't give two *****
If you're asian, white, male, or 300 pounds.
It's still a big deal.
I don't care if you have a BMI of 0 or 100.
It's still important.
It's still a big deal.
And you're offensive.
AJ Jan 2015
Drinking in the morning.
If I wake up for the morning.
Is the newest form of entertainment.
AJ Jun 2013
Today I burned three of my fingers.
I am being a very big baby about it.
When I was a baby I touched a lawn mower,
And burned the same exact fingers.
I did not complain or cry nearly as much back then.
Maybe I am Benjamin Button,
Only,
My body doesn't show it.
AJ Jun 2013
I am too hot.
All of my joints need to be reset.
All of my muscles need to be stretched,
It is too loud.
I need a cup of tea.
I need a different blanket.
The fan needs to be on high.
I need to sleep on my stomach.
I need two pillows.
I need to sleep on my side,
Now I am too cold.
AJ Feb 2014
My fingertips
Carry
A heavy weight.
AJ Jul 2013
I have decided I am mad at you.
And it does not even matter.
I do not even care.
Your words have repulsed me like raw onions.
No take backs.
Druken fools.
Druken tools.
Which ones are we?
AJ Jan 2015
I think you're great.
And your eyes seem
Like deep dark
Pools of wisdom and happiness.
And I feel so safe around you.
Your kisses feel right.

I think you're the only one.
You eyes seem
Like deep dark
Woods, that I will get lost in.
And I feel so protected by you.
Your hugs are so tight.

I think I'm yours
Your eyes seem
Like deep dark
Ocean floors, so mysterious.
I feel so sheltered by you.
Your grip is so tight.

I think you have me.
Your eyes seem
Like deep dark
Hallways, of an abandoned house
I feel so trapped by you.
Let me go.
AJ Jun 2015
It's not my worst nightmare,
But it is high up on the list.
Maybe the fifth?

And it's running in circles,
And you're running around,
Shouting about how
We're both dying alone,
But together.
And how that's not the same
As dying alone,
Or dying together with someone.

I go inside,
But we're out of the good liquor,
And I'm not drinking the ******* Fireball.
Some Steve Carell movie is playing in the backround.
Tim and Sam are ******* on the couch,
As usual.

And I'm just alone.
You're all moving around me,
And you live your own miserable lives.
And I've outgrown you.
AJ Aug 2013
I think one of the saddest feelings in the world,
Is when the house you spent your whole life in,
The house you took your first steps in,
The house you grew up in from age 0 to now,
No longer feels like yours.
Your room feels like a hotel room.
And you could never fall asleep in any other bed,
But this bed no longer feels like yours.
And you have to get out,
And you know when you're getting out,
And it doesn't seem fast enough,
But you don't want to leave.
You grew up and SOMEHOW
Became an adult while no one was watching,
But you weren't watching either.
And no one was recording it.
And you're not too certain when the exact moment was.
But suddenly you see the world isn't outside the walls of your town.
The world is your town,
And the rest of the world is actually the universe,
And the universe is actually just a town.
And that is terrifying.
"A girl with a bird she found in the snow
Then flew up her gown and that's how she knows
If God made her eyes for crying at birth
Then left the ground to circle the earth."
AJ Feb 2014
If I could figure out what to do
I probably wouldn't be over you.
I can't decide what stars I see
So I won't many anymore wishes.
Just in case I wish upon your star.
AJ Oct 2013
I thought I was going to be born
To be the sky.
But it turns out none of us can just
"Be the sky".
Some of us are the clouds,
And some of us are the airplanes,
And some of us are the stars,
And someone is the sun.

It's sad though,
Because I'm in love with a star,
And I'm not even an airplane.
I cannot even pretend I'm a star
When they turn out the lights.
I'm just a thin little cloud.
I can only get so close.
The best I will ever be able to do
Is get in it's way.
AJ Nov 2013
Tick tock on the clock.
I know that you're still in shock
But now you must have less
Time to actually process
"Why me?"
Because you see.
You are you and I am me.
I am the sun,
And I am the moon.
I am the rain,
I am everything.
You just have to sit back and watch.
I will destroy you.
AJ Aug 2013
There's more than one way to turn two bodies
Into one.
Instead,
**** my soul till it's raw.
Fill me to the brim with your broken ego.
I'll dance my catastrophic tongue along your weak spot,
Your achilles heel.
Which, of course,
Is me breaking your ego.
I'll let you penetrate me with a silent stare,
Oh god,
Yes there.
Dive into my insecurities,
Call my bluff,
Put me on a pedestal,
Rigged to collapse into ruins.
I like when you push me.
Don't break me,
Ecstasy comes when I break myself,
Smash myself into over analyzed bits and sociopathic pieces.
Faster.
Harder.
Make it harder for me to figure you out,
Give me a challenge.
**** yes,
I love a challenge.
Reading an open book is easy,
Picking up a locked journel off an abandoned bookshelf,
Now that pushes me over the edge.
Let's change into a more comfortable position,
Where you ramble an incoherent childhood stories,
And I retort loudly in my native language,
And you storm off because no one is right,
And no one is wrong.
And you get off on the point that there is no point.
Just build it up.
More.
****.
****.
More.
Touch my mind.
Don't touch my heart,
No stop.
Yes there.
A little more.



Dzięki.
AJ Oct 2014
My inner monologue says
Don't let them see you show
Defeat
Remorse
Regret
Sadness
Uncertainty.
You are a queen.

I trust you see it the same way.
AJ Dec 2015
Loud repetitive noises drive me crazy.
Also the feeling of dry sand between my toes.
That and the last sip of any bottle of alcohol
Are what remind me of you.
It's not my mind that catches on first.
It's my skin and my ears and the very back of my tongue.

You're somehow still hiding there.
AJ Jun 2015
I'm sorry I treated you like a project.
And I'm even more sorry,
That I didn't finish what I started.

I'm working on it.
Or I will at least.
I don't know.

That's what you want,
Right?
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