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Heidi Mason Mar 2015
I know why
I want to spend
the rest of my life
with you

its the night conversations
filled with our hearts
that mean something
that keeps me alive.

its the smile in your eyes
I want to see each night
but I can't
because im so far away

but distance won't stop me
you capture the most
beautiful pictures
of yourself at
the greatest of moments.

you're feeling a little sad
and I refuse to get mad
because you're human
and humans have feelings

but if I find out
that someone's making
you sad
things won't be
as pretty

I really love you
and I just want
you to have
happiness
because
happiness is key.
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
since the last time
I made ugly marks
on my beautiful skin

since I realized I was so much more
than trying to get the blood on my wrist to gush out of me

since I understood there are better ways to solving problems instead of slicing up my wrist

since I just knew that I wanted change for myself

now I use words to heal my sick mind when I'm feeling down

now I understand the healthy ways of getting rid of my sadness, instead of letting my sadness get rid of me

now I am a changed person just for me
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
my eyes
they are starting to get
drowsy

my mouth
it's starting to create  
a deep inhaling
of exhaustion

my body
starts to ache
as I lack
the sleep I think I deserve
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
if beauty sleep means anything
then I must be really ugly
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
my eyes are tired and my face is red
I'm craving the feeling of tiredness in my body
but the thought of you makes me too happy to want to sleep
my brain is a race track
its never stopping
its keeping awake
so let me wait till the race is over.
but the race is just starting
and I think I may be awake for a while
my eyes are getting droopy and my mind is getting lost
I don't know how to feel or what to think but
I think I'm lost in the thought of you
dreamy eyes
beautiful face
great taste
I love race you cause my brain
so when you ask me why I'm tired in the morning, it's because I couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful you really are.
Heidi Mason Jun 2016
I love the taste of plain coffee
as I sip I can feel energy kick in

I love sitting in my white rocking chair
listening to the birds start their day

I see the ants running
and the ideas in their head flowing

I have mad respect for wild animals
it's every man for itself

I love staring off at the trees
and every day I still try to count all the leaves

insects are so cool
because they survive on their own

who do you know
that can use team work correctly?

the sun rising is my favorite
how cool is it to see what brightens our day rise from sleep

what's even better is as the sun is rising the sky is painting crazy beautiful colors

I feel the mosquitos flying, and biting me
but really shoo fly don't bother me

I hear cars starting and I suddenly am
thankful for everyone getting to work for my Sunday festivities

it's only 6:23
I'm already on my second cup of coffee

ideas are flowing
energy is starting

I flowed these words as I finished my second cup of coffee
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
I never understood
how someone could give up their friend
for a boyfriend
or how someone could
give up their best friend
because their friends with their ex boyfriend
are we lacking the true meaning of a friendship?
because if there was any value behind the meaning
of a friend then how can you give them up
like you're dropping trash
a friend is defined as
noun
1.
a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection
if we had such a true bond then how can you be okay without me?
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
I'll tell you anything
to make sure you think
that im just fine.

but honestly
im just wanting
to die.

I know
that its a really big
lie.

but I just want you
to be able to sleep
thinking that I am alright.
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
to the people
that want me
dead tonight,
what if your
words were
just enough
to push me over
my standing point?
Heidi Mason Sep 2015
words going back and forth
hateful words said for no reason
yelling coming from one
crying coming from another

words are so powerful
yet so cruel at the same time
words have so much power
that we take advantage of

the crisp dry words
that fly off of your partners tongue
come out so fast
you don't realize how much
you just hurt the one person you love

im so tired of pain in a world
that is suppose to be happy and pretty
its tiring to see so much sadness
in a place that is a pleasure to live in
Heidi Mason Feb 2015
with your big blue eyes
and that beautiful mind
I would like to call you mine

and baby
well this is crazy
but you aren't actually my baby
but I want you to be

do you see the way I look at you?
you're my grand prize
but I just can't claim you
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
WOW!
what a time to be alive
what a great place to live
being able to wake up
any morning at 6:30
and be at the beach to see
the beautiful colors God panted
in the sky
over the blue bodies of water
is such a great thing
it is such a great time to be alive!
Heidi Mason Sep 2015
no one else can feel things for you
only you can accept them
be yourself
any chance you get
because there will be a day
where your unsure of yourself
and you will need to rely on memories
to find yourself again
speaking from experience,
you always seem to lose yourself
trying to find the real you
hold on to yourself
and love the way you are
Heidi Mason Jun 2016
I know a girl
she's so pretty
and she could have it all

I'm envious of her beauty
everyone wishes to be seen like her
while deep down inside want to be her

she seemed like she had it all together
but in reality the blues took over her
faster than a bad case of poison Ivey

this sadness was poison Ivey
she saw herself as nothing
while everyone praised her and called her their 'everything'

you can have it all together
and still be so sad
because sadness can be poison to our beautiful life we treasure

I just hope for everyone to be themselves
love yourself the way you are
because you're so beautiful

every inch of flowing blood
that flows in your body
is continuing to flow for a reason

your eyes shine bright when you see that boy
because you deserve the happiness
that he can give you.

be the truest of true
to the youest of you
and do nothing but love yourself
the way i would love you.
Heidi Mason Dec 2014
I can't write a poem
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
my mind is blank
like a canvas brand new

writers block at its finest
who the hell knows what I can say

my mind is a blank slate
that is able to make beautiful work

I'm a firework that hasn't been lit
and there's no one around to light it.

I'm stuck.
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
as I breathe in
the non existance
of your presence

the more
my body wants to
shut down and
join you.
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
though it isn't really late
I have a lot of time to think
about the person I've been

change is great, yes it is
but there are different types
of changes you can make in your life

the two different types I have made were
believer and none believer
and man as a believer I feel great

I've always craved the attention of others
old me: I need everyone to love me
new me: I have God to love me

I never understood my purpose
old me: you really don't have one
new me: everyone has their own purpose on this earth, you just have to wait it out to find it

I always follow the wrong crowd
old me: it's okay as long as you are happy
new me: though you may seem like you're happy, the guilt from doing wrong cancels out happiness

a few of these scenarios explain
the depth of my faith
and I hope to continue to walk and grow in it
dad
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
dad
dad
such a emotion filled word for me
I never had one
all he was to my family was a ***** donor
and definitely not a care giver
if he gave us anything
it was tramatic memories
up until 2 years ago,
I thought everything my dad did to me was my fault
and I just wanted to **** myself
because I couldn't live with my filthy self
he touched me in innopropriate ways and I let it happen
I let him into my bed because he said I seemed sad
he slid his hands up and down my legs
in a not so pure way
the next thing I knew he was sliding up my dress
he took my pure innocence
and shattered it in 10 seconds
I've been raised in a world where if you're not a ******, you're a *****
I never had a change to find out what a virginity was
but my dad took mine
and all I want now is someone to hold me
but I'm too *****
and nobody even wants me
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
I sit in math class
thinking why y=mx+b
I start thinking about life
and how I could put it into this problem
y would be you
mx would be your and my ex
and the +b would stand for me

y stands for you because
when I decided to take you on
I knew it was gonna be me plus our ex
and I thought it could work

mx is our ex's because they both
just team up together to try to ruin
the happiness we built and so they
are multiplied together because they're
a team.

the +b has to stand for me because
I'm in this situation too and I stand alone in it. He wants me but he could go back to his ex.

I'm so confused why he can't just cancel out the mx and just keep b.
Is just the 1 of me not good enough for all of him?
I just got so far away from the math problem there's no going back
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
I use to crave your presence in my life

10 years later,
I crave the pain to go away that you've caused.
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
what the ****
I was 4 years old
and you betrayed me
you told me lies
and I loves to hear them
*******
for not caring about me
and I hate you.
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
hey you
I think you know
how to hurt me
and to creep
in between my skin
and I hate you
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
I treat myself
like a lunatic

but really
I'm just a girl
with too
much space
that is very lonely

I'm just a girl
with too much
thinking time
that kills off
my mind.

I'm just a girl
who listens
to those ****
sad songs
to make herself
feel sane
when really
she's anything but sane

and I really do
hate the me I am
Heidi Mason Mar 2015
my mental tiredness
is finally catching up
with the physical meaning of tired
and mom, no you aren't helping
stop letting my brother call me a ******* *****
i'm a ******
so I can't actually be a *****
mom you keep telling me
stop sitting in the darkness
well mom the darkness is me
and I can't escape
you say
go with your friends
go party, be like normal teens
mom the only friends i have
are the ones mentally here
the party is in me
and I wasn't invited
i dont know where this is going
but all i know is im sad and i want to cry
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
what the ****
I never thought I'd be losing you
but I didn't  actually lose you

you walked away from my life
like it was so easy for you

I think I didn't mean anything to you
I was the spam in your email
and im worthless to you
I'm sorry
but I still am missing you
Heidi Mason Apr 2015
I know where your resting place is.
But you left me with so many questions,
and I just want to know why.
Why did you have to go?
Or is it better left unsaid?
Are you okay?
I didn’t hear from you for a while
before you permanently left me.
What’s it like in Heaven?
I hope you’re having a great holiday
with everyone who left this earth before you.
Do you hear me when I try to talk to you?
I talk to you when I miss you the most,
and I just want to be selfish and know if you hear my voice.
Is life up there easy like everyone says?
I know you struggled so much,
and I’m glad you’re in a place where no suffering is a promise.
Can you send me a card signed by you and your dogs?
I love traditions, and that one was my favorite on Christmas eve.
But just so you know, I miss you every single day.
This month marks month 4 without your talks.
I never dreamed to go a birthday without you.
You may not be physically here with me,
but you will never leave my mind.
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
Tom,
it's been about
6 and a half months
since I heard your voice
felt your joy
and got a tight hug
I miss the way your face
would lean into the hug
you would give
I miss hearing all of your stories
about all the places you've traveled
I miss planning my future
but all of those times we planned
did you know you were dying?
I miss your voice
I miss sitting down
and talking about food with you
I would do anything to
feel your presence again

**** I need you with me.
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
I don't think
we are meant to be
but still
you are choosing me
and although
its killing me
I will
let it be
because
you think we are meant to be.
Heidi Mason Feb 2015
hello, my dear
i want to make something clear
that I'm not drinking
but your words
are what i'm swallowing
to make my body numb
your lies
are toxic to my body
and what's clear now is
not only the alcoholics die
of diseases on the inside
but so do the broken hearted.
-H.M.
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
I love you so much
but I can't be with you.
say the love of my life.

he said "the drugs are
taking me over."
"im sorry"
he said

"my nose is only
red because I'm cold."
said my love.

I said
"please stop ******* up"
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
today I beat the sun
in our little race on
who wakes up first
it was still a little dark
when I felt ready to go today
I love early mornings
because life goes
at such high speed
we don't get time
to appreciate the small things
such as watching the sun rise
while you have a nice cup of joe
we are wasting our life
on trying to grow up so fast
that we are missing out
on the things that could last
Heidi Mason Mar 2015
im tired
my brain is telling me
my best friend hates me
but living without someone
who you put half of your life into
isn't fun
im dying
the happiness "light" on my face
is dimming
you're probably planning a way
to say goodbye
because im nothing you need
**** im over thinking
and now
im nothing.
-H.M.
Heidi Mason Jul 2015
Help!
I've fallen and
I metaphorically can't get up
I've fallen in love
and I'm stuck on the ground

and no one is around
to pick me back up
or to give me the boost
that I desperately need

I've fallen for a guy that I can't have
I am not his type
and he's everything
that I want in a guy

I'm stuck
on the ground
waiting for the day
that someone picks me up again
and makes me feel worth it

I'm tired of going
down the same path
with every guy out there
Heidi Mason Feb 2015
how am i suppose
to feel most comfortable
around a man
who i call my brother
who fights with me
until im on the ground
and im at no return
and still hits me one last time
while im already
not able to move
because of all the pain
he causes me
and then when he breaks my
little "emotion" system
and then tears roll down my eyes
and they cut like a knife
he looks at me and laughs
then freaks
when he knows
there is no way
i want to live through another day
My brother and i just got into a fist fight it wasnt even that bad its just im weak and cant take pain
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
I always feel scared when my family tell others that I enjoy to write because all my life, I've always heard writers go no where.

I've always felt scared to share my witting, because every word I've put in has an emotional connection to my thoughts.

I'm scared to share my thoughts with others, because it seems to be that everything I say is stupid and I turn out to be the duff.

It scares me to think about losing my mom, because my mom has been my everything to me since the day I was born.

The thought of having to face my dad scares me, because he was nothing but evil in my life and I don't want that back.

I'm scared of the dark, because lies and deception don't happen in the day light and it makes me think bad happens in the dark.

I'm scared of getting very depressed (again), because when life gets to the point of all you wanna do is cry, nothing is right.

life scares me, because you can't turn on the news without hearing that someone was killed and I don't wanna raise kids in this world.

life is scary and I can't do it on my own.
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
My greatest fear is being forgotten
lately I've had to face this fear
because I am nothing.

My greatest fear is being forgotten
and last Christmas,
my grandma forgot to get me anything.

My greatest fear is being forgotten
ironically I have forgotten all
of my self value.

My greatest fear is being forgotten,
it just so happens to be that every time
my family does something I seem to be not included.

I'm living in a world where everywhere I turn I am facing my fear, but instead of me getting over it, I'm getting worse. I spend late nights with a lot of thought that makes me face the fact that I have become the forgotten one.
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
10 months and 25 days passed
or
35 days away
till it marks the day
that I finally realized
my life needs to stop involing  
a blade trembling my skin

its a day that
I refused to get hurt
by a boy
who was my everything.
but was causing
the blade across my skin.

blades
the pain it caused
emotionally and physically
I was addicted
I craved a little more
everytime
the wound started to heal

boy
the hurt it did
became a way I thought
of myself
and I didn't want to loose myself
as I was loosing every
addition to my life

10 months and 25 days later
im free
from the boy
that caused the pain I liked
im free from the medal
that I craved
everytime I ****** up
and life has never been better
Heidi Mason Aug 2019
When she looks back,
A small teen believed
he was the happiest milestone
that's ever been marked
in her journey of life.  

She treated him like a dying man.
She cherished every second,
laughed at every word,
loved every part of him
entirely every moment she could.

Her brain would plant
beautiful flowers
and they became nourished by
a simple thought of him.

He did not show efforts
to create a new garden.
Malnutrition problems.
She was over blossoming
beautiful bouquets.
And gave them to the poison.

Time passes by,
she tried to be her again.

The thought of him always lingered
and it achieved all it needs.
Questioning herself, lack of confidence.
Day after day pass by,
She doesn’t know what she wants
lost in the ways of the world.

Her brain participates in ways to burry
the negative feelings to succeed
at only feeling good.
She’s stuck, the pain overbears her.

Fatigue, sadness, lack of motivation
all tag along, alone with nothing better to do. Weighing her down in the world while he is living like one normally does.

6 years later. She’s asked about her first love.

When she's thinking about him,
her brain shrivels up
like a flower would when it's cold.  
She try to protect herself, “Debatably a waste of time but also glad it happened.” She answers.

Growth is in pain, she acknowledges.
She thinks of her previous pain
only to find the root of sadness
to be able to change.

She lets go. She loves herself. She is beautiful. She feels like she is worth the world and deserving of a loving guy.

She notices that her maturity was key.
She lives life for her every day. Not for a boy, not for her school, grades, parents. SHE LIVES FOR HERSELF.

Her peace became important. She realized, feelings of hers are real. She is allowed to feel. Her emotions have power.
this is a very personal story on my growth over the last 6-7 years of my life
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
the thought of him brings so many ugly words to mind that I could turn into a beautiful write.
Heidi Mason Feb 2015
numbers are rising and lowering
im watching my life slip away
anxiety building up
so high where there is no way
to get down
and I am scared to come back down
my blood pressure
is sky high
and my oxygen level
is ground low
im ******* dying
and you don't even know.
-H.M.
Heidi Mason Feb 2015
would it be bad to say
after sitting through a funeral
I want to be dead?
because they all talk like
heaven is a great place
why the ****
do I have to struggle here
when there is a place filled with
happiness and no more tears
I want to go
so im going to say goodbye
to all of the rest of my
teenage years.
Heidi Mason Jul 2019
As science advances, an option of eternal life on earth has still yet to come. We live knowing that we will die.
Is there a timeline of our life that we can't see?
Is there a limit to life experiences that we can take?
How come it is still so hard to accept the death of others?
You live everyday like it could be the last but only because you're told to not waste your days. You've seen many lives come to an end before they had the opportunity to realize the beauty of life.

Twenty-Four hours minus the time it takes for your body to rejuvenate. What can be accomplished?
There is no correct answer. Anything.
Many hours are dedicated to sad thoughts. Weeks fly by.
Unhealthy habits created, trembling fears followed.
The only person who understood you is gone. He's dead.

Eventually, a light shines through all darkness.
A realization of no one can live life for you, except you appears.
You find joy in the little things. The trees overwhelm you with joy cause they are so green and you've never taken time to observe.
Days following are filled with routines and productive thoughts and behaviors.

A year later, the pain is reminisced on. You notice growth.
From not wanting to live through the week to waking up joyful for the opportunities that day holds. Joy is easy to come by without trying. Sad days are limited and happiness is plentiful. The days past were not wasted but a lesson learned.
This is about me overcoming the death of my brother.
guy
Heidi Mason Mar 2015
guy
how dare you be able to tell me
that my everything wasn't good
enough for the life inside of you
I showed you any part of me
that you wanted to see
I just wanted you to be happy
and now you want me to be dead
life hurts
and I ****
im sorry
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
you
remind me of a
sunflower

and
sunflowers actually are my
favorite.
Heidi Mason Jan 2015
my friend
welcomes me
with a nice
tight hug
using his hands against
my neck
the closer we get
the tighter those
hugs are
and honestly
we're so close
I can't breathe.
and my friend is
sadness but
it already killed me.
Heidi Mason Jun 2016
he was the happiest milestone
that's ever been marked
in her journey of life

She looked at him like a woman would look at a dying man
She cherished every second
She laughed at every word
She loved every part of him

her brain would plant
beautiful roses
and they would become nourished
when he was in her thoughts

life quickly began to change

3 months after
she tried to collect herself again

She saw and thought of him
since he took all the good
flowers away from her
and never tried to replant them

it's been such a long time
since she thought about him

when she's thinking about him
her brain shrivels up
like a flower would when it's cold  
She try to protect herself
but he's everywhere

when she saw him
her walls appeared so high
the only thing she could see
was the beautiful blue sky

she said, "it gets lonely
when all you can see is blue
and not being able to think
about what happen between us two"

she knows he's  fine
because he told her
guys are 'so tough
and have no emotion'

did she quote him right?
Heidi Mason Nov 2015
I knew we wouldn't last when our hands no longer clicked in the same way

I knew we wouldn't last when they way you said you loved me was a way you would say it to a mocking jay

I knew we wouldn't last when the minutes we were separated started to feel like the rain when it gets evaporated

I knew we wouldn't last when I realized my eyes looked at you like just another street walking stranger

I knew we wouldn't work when I concluded that I became a flower but you were the rotting roots.

-H.M.M
Heidi Mason Apr 2015
I'm clinging to the past
God please tell me this is all fake
so many words that are said
sound so broken
I'm going back to sleep
because at least I can think of you
in my dreams
Heidi Mason Mar 2015
I let your life take control of
my actions and thoughts
because you were all I could
think about

the drugs you made me
consume were making me
not the same me that
I really wanted to be

every time you kissed me
it was like poison being
injected inside of me
and I was addicted

the words you spoke
made me feel like
I was something

but now im nothing
and you are my everything.
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