tonight, my heart is foundering
but i can't let you see me floundering
because god forbid i show weakness
or ever be any kind of vulnerable
so i isolate myself in silence
and try to become more artful
in the lies i tell to convince you i'm fine
while i try to drown my sorrows in whiskey or wine
and numb all this pain whose source i can't fathom
all the while holding out hope that i might become
someone who is worth it
all this

this fighting and struggling just to make it one more day
this going from doing just fine to aggressively not okay
without warning or reason or trigger
and i know the root cause must be something bigger
than just the **** in my head, but somehow i can't figure
out what it is that causes me
to be like this, i just can't seem to see
what it is that this hole in my heart needs
what would make me feel complete and stop this bleed
of emotions and tears and words onto tear-stained pages
while i write down what has become my lament for ages

why
the ****
am i like this

i can't fight this feeling anymore
you've pushed me down so hard, so low
never thought that in my life i would come to know
a pain so real it makes your whole entire life feel cold

you've been telling me
in ways roundabout or directly
that i'm not good enough
and that you're confident i never will be
but you still won't let me go

it's like you get some sick thrill
out of my suffering and pain
as if you live to further break my will
and tell me lies about who i am
but are they lies? i used to know
now i fear you might be right and i might be ******
useless, a husk, too old
not smart or capable enough to keep this going

so you're finally going to get what it seems like you want
i'm giving up, giving in, going down
no swinging, no whimper or bang
just a quiet, emotional suicide because i've found
as far as you're concerned, my only worth is in you
and if that's true
i'm not going to risk feeling this anymore

your fingertips across my skin
the palm trees swaying in the wind
memories

you told me you would never lie
the sweetest sadness in your eyes
you never did

i truly want to see you happy
and i know you want the same for me

but it's hard when all i want is
your hand holding mine
and to hear you whisper softly
i love you and i'm glad you're mine
and it's getting harder these days
to pretend i'm over you
should have known you'd bring me heartache
boys like you always do

we walked along a crowded street
i took your arm and you smoked with me
memories

and when i left you held me tight
and said that you would never ever forget
our many nights

i truly want to see you happy
and i know you want the same for me

but it's hard when all i want is
your body entwined in mine
and to hear you whisper softly
my darling i'm so glad you're mine
and it's getting harder these days
to pretend that i'm just fine
should have known you'd bring me heartache
boys like you always do

i cannot walk by the beachfront
i cannot smoke beneath the moon
i've abandoned so many records
because your ghost still haunts their tunes
so now you're gone and i'm broken
and i bet you are just fine

i wish i knew a way to live
without you by my side

but it's hard when all i want is
your arms around me tight
and to tell you just this once that
i love you and i'm glad you're mine
and it's getting harder these days
to live life without you
should have known you'd bring me heartache
boys like you always do

"I slept with you to see if I would feel something,
because I wanted to,
and I didn't."

twenty-two syllables
and eighteen words
that was all it took for you to enter the annals
of all of the *******
who have used and abused my deeply wounded heart
further compounding the damage that has been there from the start

how am i meant to get closure from that
when there's no reason, or in fact,
any black box to recover
or mistake from which to learn
all that there is is a breaker
of hearts and worse of trust given, not earned

the conclusion, therefore, is to simply give up
and stop wasting my time looking for love
because, truth be told, my worry is
should this happen again
i'll be unable to mend

and left to live out the rest of my days
stuck with permanent overlays
of mistrust and suspicion
of any romantic intention
because ******* you knew
you knew, full well, that i loved you

i've never been so grateful
to lack the courage to be honest
than when we spoke at long last
and you revealed you'd been deceitful

to find out that to you
i was purely an experiment
to see if you would feel something
when i was in it for the sentiment
and loved you without reservation
unaware of your motivation
was like a reinforcement, yet again
that all my struggles are in vain
and that i'll wind up, in the end,
trying to excise my feelings
and my shattered heart to mend

but if these things you say are true
and it's pointless for me to go on wanting you
when you don't want me, too,
why is it that every time
your blood-alcohol balance is tipped
you seem to find me sublime
more than merely a pasttime
and, time after time,
into my arms - my bed - you've slipped

because i know you know the phrase
in a dead language, nevertheless
if "in vino veritas"
then maybe you need to reassess

or maybe that old saying
contains less truth than i had hoped
and now that your words have stopped ricocheting
like a bullet cavernating in my ribcage
it would appear that i haven't coped
and how could i after that level of stun
but now that the damage is done
those wounds should eventually fade
evaporate off my skin
like dew in the face of the rising sun

you and i
we hate cliches
just another thing we have in common
another amongst the many, niche
shared interests that broaden
the connection
between us two

i fancy myself a writer
you used to teach english
so both of us cringe when hearing advice
like "love is blind" given to someone in relationship anguish
and that's why it pains me to be the inciter
asking for communication so precise
having to risk looking foolish
or even losing you completely
as i look in your eyes and say to you
"so... what are we?"

but as much as it pains me
uttering a phrase so trite
what would pain me moreso
would undoubtedly be suffering through another night
of trying to suss out what's going on in your head
or falling asleep alone, again, and thinking that i would be better off dead
set against the notion of losing sleep
over a heart that simply is not mine to keep
so i take a breath and i steel my nerves
to summon the courage to ask for the love i deserve

seventy days of ambiguity
with just enough put forth to confuse me
as to the nature of your intentions
so fleeting your shows of affection
and so vague your reactions to my own
that it left me no better off
even after i let you read that first poem
trying to figure out if i had a chance with you or not
might as well have been trying to read a long dead language without the benefit of a rosetta stone
and surprising absolutely no one
the result is that i am once again on my own
the victim of an opportunist who saw
that my heart's capacity for love is my fatal flaw
and chose to exploit it with no thought or regard
to how it might effect me, how it might raise my guard
because trusting does not come easy to me
and vulnerability scares me more than anything
so for you to just use and abuse me
has caused more damage to my heart than just a sting
and i will recover, of that i am sure
but you, to me, you will always be
it is this simple and pure
nothing more than another one who hurt me
and someday, maybe, you'll be able to see
exactly what it was you did to me
and render something more than some half-assed apology
but i won't hold my breath
because i have a feeling i'd be waiting til long after my death