I'm done...
Worrying about what time I need to leave, how long it takes to get there, being a few minutes late
I'm done...
Wishing for things I can't control, wishing for you, wishing for us
I'm done...
Seeking the past, chasing a future that doesn't exist, watching you throw me away

God! I am sick and tired
of the grueling energy
it takes to be "ok"

I'm not fine. I'm not good.
I'm burned to the quick
I'm hopeless
I'm lost and abandoned

I'm jagged edges
And the pools of blue
In my head are soulless.
An abyss of self-loathing

I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to feel
I don't want to be here right now
I want to be anywhere but here

But I hide behind an
Ingenuous façade of
Pleases and thank yous
And positive affirmations about
How strong I am.

And I'm sick and tired
Of being OK

Your ghosts came to visit me today
The sweet words
The ****** encounters
The romance
Her

I tried to turn them away
The images
The pain
The betrayal
The darkness

But my demons welcomed them
They sat and talked a while
Reminiscing
Piercing conversations
Burrowing deeper
Into my subconscious

Taking root
In the darkest crevices
Of my wounded soul
Playing tricks
Causing doubt

Are you lying to me
Am I lying to myself
Can I recover enough
To love you
To leave you

Your ghosts stopped by today
I hope they don't stay long.

Have you not heard
the sound that my heart makes
When you're breaking it?
The cold decaying sound
No end to the emptiness
Just the frenzied whispers of despair

Your icy blue stare
Void of compassion
Empathy does not live there
I was once the queen
Now just a pawn in
Your calculating hands
A throw away piece for your gain

My heart is battered
There is a chasm in my soul
And there is deliverance
For loving--
and losing you
I am bent, not broken
When you left---
You let the light in