When I woke up next to you
I refused to say, "I love you,"
Because no response when you're sleeping
Is no different from when you're awake

I know you can't feel this way anymore
Not "can't" because you're holding back
You can't because you're unable to
I can't because I'm holding back

At the moment when you realize you lost something
Your stomach drops, your eyes follow
Your head pounds, and your body falls
The pain is inevitable

This is to the girl
Whose voice shook me
When I heard you sing Somewhere Beyond the Sea
As if you literally took my breath away
As if I was drowning
This is to the girl
Whose laugh was contagious
And It lifted my spirit
I was desperate to find a good joke
Because I craved the sounds of your chuckles

The way you spoke
When you advised me to do the right thing
It was the combination of your words
Mixed with your confidence
And how you believed in me that convinced me

This is to the girl
Whose voice I've heard
But face I've never looked at
As if you were a stranger
But I've known you longer than I realized

When you whispered, "Goodbye,"
My heart shattered
And the damage was irreparable
I had no choice
But to clean up the pieces and throw them away

Your skin is so thick
I loved it
You didn't have a flat stomach
It was something I enjoyed

I wanted to squeeze
Preferred to hold you
Longed to grab you
You were so warm, and you still are

I wanted to kiss down your body
Tasting the imperfections
Licking your flaws
And loving it in all

I did not care
You just needed to be you
Let me do the loving
And I wanted you to sit back, let your eyes roll, and exhale my name with a sense of ****** and ****** satisfaction

Twenty-nine scars
Twenty-nine lessons I have learned
Twenty-nine reasons why I am now a warrior
Instead of a worrier

I craved the blade to ride across my skin
Slicing open that first layer
To let free the blood that cried for an escape

This was my way to deal with the pain
Because I thought it was the only answer
To deal with my fear, my worries, my loneliness, and my insecurities

These scars aren't just from kissing the blade
I had another love from the plastic cuticle pusher
With a metal end
And the lighter I ignited to heat it up

I was convinced that physical pain
Could fight off emotional pain
But if seen by those I love
Then those scars from the physical pain
Would only bring them emotional pain

I am sorry

This is not wanted
I do not deserve this
No one at all deserves this

Pain I sense
Will be pain I will approach
Pain I can find
Will be pain I will fight

These are twenty-nine scars
Twenty-nine reasons why I deserve to live
Twenty-nine causes of self-love

"Love is being caring. Caring about everything that is important to them. The little things, the big things, the things that they say don’t matter, but you get that inner feeling that they do. Caring about how your actions affect them. Caring about what they want. Caring for the fragile heart that is concealed within their frame of flesh.



Love is being faithful. Faithful to your word and to your promises. People make promises without knowing the extent of what they mean. Love keeps true to those promises no matter how hard it gets. Love is being faithful to them in an emotional sense. You have no eyes for anyone else. It means being faithful in a physical sense. You do not imagine committing promiscuous acts with anyone. Not even them. 



Because Love means respect. Respect for their wishes. Respect for what they need. Respect for their body and for their mind; you strive to keep them in the best condition. You respect their boundaries, again, both physical and emotional. 



Love is honest. It strives to keep dishonesty out of the relationship, knowing that it will tear it apart from the roots. Keeping lies away from the tongue, that could **** any blossoming concoction of emotions. It realizes that the object of the affection deserves the truth in all cases. Knowing that it’s best, no matter how it hurts.



Love is serving. It does anything possible to cater to the needs of the other. It recognizes that it wants to do anything it can to better the life of the other. 



Love is selfless. It puts off its own desires and wants for the other. It shares its thoughts, life, resources, and anything it can with the other. It gives them what they want at the mere expense of what it itself wants. It does so with complete happiness. 



Because Love is humble. It realizes that it has no authority or reason to be looked up at. It realizes that credit does not need to belong to it. It realizes that pride will split the branches of the partnership; it will create strife and dispute. Two of the things it strives so hard to demolish. 



Love is being patient. Understanding that human nature is hard to deal with. Understanding that patience is key to creating a solid foundation. It realizes that rushing with leave holes and unstable foundations that will leave everything to come crashing down upon itself, causing tears and heartbreak that could easily have been prevented. 



Love is understanding. It understands all of this. Whether it chooses to follow this depends on the degree in which it occurs. It understands that a human is nothing without love. Love makes the world go round. It understands that without this, it is nothing."

-Unknown

My eyes hurt
I'm losing breath
My body is weak
I can't move

This feels like walking through a rainstorm
As I'm trying to reach my favorite place
It is the cold temperature
The hard push from the fast raindrops
That make me doubt that I'll even get there

I just feel like dropping to the ground
Or reaching another place that won't be half as good as where I wanna be
How do I deal with this?
Who else is there to see?
What else is there to do?

I can only stand alone
Stand beside you
Stand behind you

I can only look at you
Look at your words
Look at your actions

I can only believe in you
Believe in your decisions
Believe in your efforts

I can only love you
Love who you are
Love who you're going to be

I can only have faith
Have faith in how you keep your head up for yourself
And have faith in how you keep your head up for your family

I can only accept
Accept that we're different
Accept that we both good

I can only learn
Learn from you
Learn from me

I can only stand
Stand and watch
Stand and smile

I know how I feel.
I'm just too lazy to describe all of it through text; since there is so much to put down.

Feelings are never complicated.
I don’t want to describe my feelings for you as complicated.
We can just use the term ‘sad.’
My feelings for you aren’t sad itself, but when you listen to it as a whole you would see how sad it seems.

My feelings display how scared, paranoid, and worried I am.
As if I know what to do, but I’m not fully sure of how much I can’t do it, or if I would even do it at all.
My feelings show how ambitious and optimistic I am.
They reassure myself of how much heart and peace I have.
My feelings express how hopeless I am.
A hopeless romantic is all that it means.
I only say “I don’t know,” because I’m either afraid of facing the outcome, or too lazy to put my time into something that requires so much analysis.
I have patience and empathy, but to actually identify this whole bunch that I deal with daily is just so overwhelming.

We have reasons why our feelings can be described as ‘complicated.’
Whether we have contradicting ideas (not everyone can be so sure of what they’re feeling, so they try to choose the middle side and make both ideas useful), or we just describe them in a way that others won’t be able to follow.

I just don’t know for my feelings right now.
I haven’t even given myself time to sort them out because when I do, my thoughts became scattered and I just lose my ability to handle them.
It’s not that I don’t care, but I just wish I had help when trying to figure them out.

I want to give up, but I don’t.
So I just end up putting them to the side, and just take a nap.
Now excuse me, I’m going to take a nap.

There are time where I want to leave, because the pain gets worse.
There are times when I feel the need to stay, because deep down you're worth it.
I'm only hurting because I care.

For the details of how you look. From the little crater's to your face, to the veins that pop out of your arms.

And the details of what you say.
From your smart remarks said to the class, to the sarcastic comments addressed to me.

I get mad because I'm jealous.
I get quiet when I'm discouraged.
I get happy because you're here.
I get loud when I know we're okay.

There are times when I want to hold you forever, because you're warm and I know it's legit.
There are times when I want to turn my back to you, because that's what you sometimes to do me.

It's not fair.
I want it to be equal, or at least know that it really is there.

Knowing that you're for me is different from when you show that you're for me.

Hold me in front of the world.
Am I worth it? Am I worth the risk?
Although our  love behind closed doors is true.
Is it not worthy of the first degree expression outside of those doors?

Let me know. Am I worth the simple acts that the most truest couples tend to express?

I know it's hard because we're different. But is such fear worth overtaking all instincts of showing feelings?

With a night like this:
I’ve never felt so strong.
I’ve never felt so content.
I’ve never felt so warm.
I’ve never felt so in love with myself.

With a night like this:
I really miss you.
I really love you.
I really accept you.
I really hope nothing but the best for you.

With a night like this:
I’m not tired.
I’m not sad.
I’m not stressed,
I’m not at the point where I’m gonna give up.

With a night like this:
I’m good.
I’m well assured.
I’m safe.
I’m someone who I never thought I can be.

With a night like this:
I understand.
I feel.
I breathe.
I take the time to appreciate a night like this because I know that there will not be another.

At least a long while before a night like this comes around again.

You can never fix or save someone
You can only love them
Your love will keep them company
Your love will give them a home

I wish, oh how I wish
I can provide you a home again
My advice won’t always help
My hands won’t always repair
For my heart can only love

You are a mystery I want to solve
A sense I want to feel
The book I want to read
A song I want to sing

Maybe one day you’ll let in me in further than the last time
I don’t mind looking through the darkness that lies inside of you
There’s no light switch, so let me build one.
I will feel my way through

I can show that my worry isn’t a worry
Easier said than done
But it’s better shown
I love me enough for the both of us

I normally don’t promise, but I do on this one
It’s hard because I don’t know everything
But then again it’s good not to know everything

The warmth of another human being
The love to and from another soul
The feeling from the heartbeat
The anticipation for their next breath

One day, one year
Maybe never again
Acceptance is the answer
It’s never easy, but it always helps

I work to take out the hate
I don't see the reason to hate myself
This is who I am
This is the blood and skin, the body I live in

I work to find the love
I have the reason to love myself
This is what I can achieve
This is the blood and skin, the body I live in

Not everything lasts forever.
I feel that our journey has ended.

I watched you climb mountains,
and I witnessed you swimming through the sea.

I cheered for you when fighting the demons,
and I got nervous when you argued with the voices.

I lost myself just by looking at you.
Once I found myself, you were twenty steps ahead.

We both know that you have a checkpoint to get to;
waiting for me would just throw you off,
and I wouldn't want to ruin your progress.

I know you're not as worried for me,
but I'm pretty concerned for you.

I know you're strong,
I know you're capable,
you'll get to it,
I believe in you.

Just please don't forget me.
I'll be settling down here.
And when you get the chance,
write to me.

Goodbye and good luck.

Good things come to those who wait.
You are more than a good thing,
and as long as I know you'll be there,
I will wait for as long as you need.

I anticipate you taking the next step;
giving me the signal that the coast is clear
and that I can come out.

I'm looking forward to holding your thin warm body.
Your arms over mine, as I grab on to your back,
feeling your neck on my face, and your chest on my neck.

I can't wait to look into your eyes.
Mine are brown, what are yours?

I anticipate kissing those soft thick lips of yours.
The same lips that stretch when you smile, and when you laugh.
The same lips that I want to feel against mine,
as well as my neck and forehead.

I'm looking forward to your breathe and your heartbeat;
to feel the expansion from every inhale,
and every contraction from every exhale.
To feel your living, to your existence.

I can't wait to be one of your reasons.
You inspire me to inspire you.
I want you to feel okay, I want you to feel confident.

I have four friends:

Sam

He’s always in a good mood

He excludes the thought of something or someone knocking him down

He is always optimistic

And he just can’t stop smiling about the things that make me “happy.”

Alice

She has Sam’s back

She wakes him out of complacency before something or something hurts him

She’s his forceful conscience 
She looks out for him, for as much as it is allowed

Brody

He’s always in despair by the hurtful truth, or the insecurities that he is too weak to brush off
Brody is broken because he doesn’t know how to handle the worse that has happened

He stays in bed for the whole day and night

He has these scars on his arms and bags under his eyes

Rebecca

She works as hard as he can to bring Brody back up

She is closely related to Alice because she also takes care of Sam after he actually gets hurt

She repeats optimistic songs, movies, and quotes

She looks in every direction and dimension to help Sam and Brody.

Just shut the **** up and look at your lover.

Appreciate all of who they are for putting up with you, because you aren’t going to find another.

Don’t question their feelings for you, otherwise they would be somewhere else doing something without you.

Stop worrying about the future, because it hasn’t happened yet; no expectations, no disappointment. It’s unnecessary.

Look at your lover, don’t say a word, and just examine every single aspect of 
them.

Study the hairs on their head, to the pupils on their eyes, the bridge of their nose, and the outline of their lips.

The length of their neck, the shape of their shoulders, the definition of their collar bones, and the skin on their chest.

Love their insides, as much as you love the out. Kiss your lover. Close your eyes, and hug your lover.

Don’t force yourself to understand what you don’t know, just accept and be grateful for the idea that you are loved back by someone whom you look up to.

If they love you, love yourself. For someone to appreciate you for all of who you are. Don’t question why, but see that you should appreciate yourself too; the feeling should reciprocate.

What is there to be jealous of? Who is there to be jealous of? Why is there even a reason to be jealous?

Intertwine your fingers with your lover. Take in this moment, for it can’t be taken back. Breathe, smile, but stay quiet. Hear their heartbeat, and feel their breathe; seeing that another life, another human being is connecting and living well with you. Feel each other’s body heat.

I lesson I have learned is to stop looking back and looking ahead. I have learned to **** the bad vibes that are a cause of worry, expectation, hope, and self-hate.

I have learned that the moment you have now is all that will matter from then on.

This is a lesson I have learned.

I’ve never had this happen
I’ve never forgotten a memory

And have it come back

Just because I decided to sit here

I’ve never thought of feeling like this again

All I needed was a place to rest

Then it all starts pouring in

I remember what we said

And how it ended

The moment was short

But it kind of meant something

As I come back to reality
I look at how it is now

Well, I am resting here alone
You can pretty much tell

I'm not really good at this
But I am willing to improve.
Other than the journals,
The drawings,
The music,
The venting,
And the crying.

I want to try something new.
I'm not aimed for profession,
Just a different way for expression.
Another set of vibes,
Another set of thinking,
Another set of creativity.
I'm just starting,
So what do I do?