even with oceans between us,

       I’ll swim against the tide
            to lie
               against
                 your heartbeat

once again.

We wander,
beneath the dotted sky,
  the moon illuminates the forest
   of grandfather trees
    beneath our bare feet;
     soft, dewy grass
      and various dampened, scattered leaves.
      
        The still holds, warming spring moisture
          with a faint reminder of this brutal past winter
            with hungry eyes, streets with old, ashy faces pry
              the fog floods all gutters and highways tonight
                it's like navigating through a black hole
                  you have given forth no light
                     &
                       tell
                          me
                          how
                           ­       am I
                                        supposed
                                                  to see
                                                      without­
                                                                ­ any
                                                             ­          insight?

I'm choking

                  Gasping

                                    ­I drown

For my lungs collapse in the water
Like my heart interprets your words
My adoration and lust for both
Leaves me breathless.

She shot him a look of promise and passion.
That baby girls got something up her sleeve.
Pulsing with anticipation he sits like a
good man.
Politely, delicately slips off her leather jacket.
Position patient,  
She
      Doesn't have time for games.
Except,
            The ones she plays of course.
She sits on his lap, works her magic touch.
Hold his hand to her lips, and as her tongue traces his fourth finger. What does she find but a

Ring shameless


Reaches behind him, kissing his neck.
Wallet in his back pocket.
Pulls out, to tease (he loves it) with bills in her full, glistening *******.
Teasing him

Until, she finds the picture of his three kids.

She contemplates her job:
Pleasure Queen or Homewrecker

Now, I don't know if I can say this fast enough cause this boiling hot anger is what makes it tough. Cause you know I hate your ******* guts and you shouldnt be surprised that if you ever crossed my mind again all I'd be wishin' is that you'd die.
Ya just a no good *******, cause I was still givin' you head while I was gettin' hit. I shoulda pulled a blade while you were gettin' it, shoulda been like fffft and cut off that little *****. Now I'm not sayin' you've got a tiny ****, ya just like ya mama A PSYCHOTIC LITTLE *****. I know I'm ******* right, y'all are the same ******* height and I ain't stayin' with someone whose 5'4 for life.
Somethin' that makes me real sick is the fact that I fed your *** while I put gas in that ****** civic. If I'da saved that cash I'd be ballin' & lit.
If's, And's & But's -I don't **** with that ****.
I can't believe I kissed lips that only had
purpose to spit. Cause all I heard outta them was "Oh, Baby!" & BitchBitchBitch.
So lemme cut to the chase- I think you mighta liked it when she spat your own *** in your face.
Now no ones gonna hate,
but I gotta give a *** props
That was a 10 pt head shot!

So listen once, listen now
I'm not bout what you about
Baby you never shoulda had a doubt
Or should I say little *****?
**** it,
I'm out.

In & out
Hearts collide and pound
You've opened my door
For things I never imagined
I could indulge in before
You play at my gates; as we let time escape
Just run away with me babe
Let's just get high & drive  
Into dawn, dusk or the night sky

We are but the typical teenage dream
Living life on the edge
Day by day
Sets our damaged hearts at ease
For I could never imagine living a life more blessed
And happier moments than these; for they are simply timeless.

There is but a small, blushing flower
blossomed under the shelter
of the evergreens

The joy, harbouring small life
amidst the shadows
of this nuclear winter

this way, can you tell me? why?
I am so terribly tangled inside
nothing to prove,
and everything to lose
surely, tis can't be I?

to have perhaps wandered up
the winding mountain top
too high
the foliage of thick branches
have always sheltered
my ****** eyes
and now- they water, and fall
from puddles into pools
in fear of finally seeing
the sky.

a skateboard rolling down the road
simple things, lovely- old.
reminds me
of you & I
times we've smile
and many we've cried.

A little piece of my heart,
of past,
present,
and future.

To my ears you are a song,
to my wounds, a suture.

I see a man, with the eyes of a child I'd once known
years doubled over, past
and look how we've grown.

bitter-sweet memories
written down for you to see

*but, I know you already know.

I don't want to talk about what school I go to, or what program I'm in. I don't want to talk about how I work in retail part-time or how busy I am. I don't want to discuss where I'd go on vacation, or what I hope for in the future. These conversations are just spoken in order to have a response, I say my piece and ask "what about you?". You'll take a deep breath and start on where you started in school and how you're stuck right now in this dead-end job but you swear- you swear that you'll know when the time in right to make a move in the right direction. You'll say you want to go to Thailand, and Dubai because of the cultural experience, but you'll never actually make it there. I don't want to talk about my family, what my mother or father does for a living. I don't need your compliments on how highly I was brought up, how perfect my life must've been. I don’t want to sit there and agree with you, and smile and giggle and say “I know, that’s why I’m different.” The funny part is you’ll think I am. When I get to know you, you’ll show me vulnerability- you’ll launch into some story of how even though you had friends and everything was completely fine you never fit in. On how your grandparent’s death affected you, or your parents divorce or moving cities. And you’ll look into my eyes, wanting sympathy, compassion and understanding. Because, you know its there, I give it freely to anyone who needs it. But after its over and through, once you’ve told me… that’s it. That’s who you are, that’s all there is to you and when I ask you what you’re thinking all you’ll say is nothing. Nothing. Even when you’re thinking something. I don’t want that anymore. I want someone to converse with me about what’s beyond our limited human level of understanding, I want someone to be honest about who they are and what they feel and I want someone to look at themselves as a work in progress instead of a completed artwork with chips in the paint, for once. I want someone who will look out onto the ocean and sky and see what I see. Someone who will explore what could happen if we simply, suddenly just lost gravity. If we all fell into the sky, if we all just suddenly choked in space and died. I want to explore if we’d see one another on the other side. I want to lay in a field and listen to the wind in the grass. I want to feel the earth beneath my back and smell the warm fragrance from nearby lilacs. I want to be purely myself and not harbour any judgement, I want to love freely and openly without any punishment. I just want some sapience and a soul connection. Maybe I’m just asking for too much, or the universe just wants to teach me a lesson.

pillows of wind, freezing the minuet dew drops on each blade of grass,
tiny ice goblets
dutifully every morning.

it whistles, slipping between
the barren trees,
curling around the crumbling houses
built in the '70s
a time when,
they may have kept us sheltered from Mother Nature's ghastly wrath.  

whispering against the window panes, creeping past the glass frames.
icy hands claw their way across the floor, up the bed posts
beneath the sheets.  

gliding cold fingers up my legs,
down my spine. wrapping themselves around my neck,
the fire in my eyes has died.
sweet release, a gradual fading light.

my heartbeat slows,
though inches away,
warm & unaware you lie.
boney tendrils squeezing
as I drift to my glacial demise.

I don't care what you think
I never have
I never fit in
anyways
the more I try the more obvious it is I don't belong.

I'm a lone wolf in my own forest and I like it that way
I like being
there for me
and not having to worry about
stupid peoples insecurities
I like having
those 6 degrees
of separation between you and me.

I envy those who crave touch,
for I know not until I am

I envy those who can spread their wings
and become the social butterfly in the room

that's not me

because,
not trying to keep up with these sheep

I'd rather starve in my abandoned forest
than dress in their stupid fleece

My heart physically aches with a raw, agonizing twinge so unlike any other I have felt before, when you show me how truly broken you are.
The intake of oxygen through your hollow frame gives you no ease, glass shards shred your windpipe each time you decide to breathe.
I wish I could take away your pain!
I would take it upon myself, although it sounds insane.
You are the sun poised in the sky above, covered by the clouds
You are the bluest sea whose expanse is limitless, yet only do what the winds allow.
Love,
It breaks my soul.
To watch your broken heart hobble home.
But one day,
I know you'll see love.
Perhaps even my own.

Porcelain powder
Amber bronzer
Fuicsha hues for the cheeks

Sandy brows
Black mascara
Red lip stain is what you seek.

I am not just a face

I'm a ******* human being.

I am not just a body.

I am soul ever feeling.

So many men, so ******
and tasteless

So many times
I want to remain
faceless.

Half awake, half past noon
grey light shines dutifully
just past my eggshell
window sill.

I try to clear my head,
collect my scattered
thoughts, straighten all
the heart strings that get
so inevitably tangled within
one another, and definitely in

the web of uncertainty you've
woven for me.

I've walked for centuries upon
a sand filled beach, a dozing meadow
mostly cement and concrete
I never thought I'd be more
concerned about someone other
than me.

You're slipping away, so ever
slow, day by day
you're getting tired,
and it's getting too late
for me to be saved.

He sweeps my tears up with his hands
My breath caught
Stomach knots
Heavy sighs
and all of your acoustic lullabies
But I wake up alone

I'm his *******,
                              
                                       he's my ******

we'll use each other
                                              
                                                all night long

so we'll never
                                              
                                              "not

                                                      feel

                                              high"

                                                                           again.

Baptizing her head
in a basin of ash
the stark white of her
angel hair
now smokes with cinder black
Her eyes
green once,
now lighten in dramatic contrast
piercing white, ice blue
that leave your heart to tremble when she laughs.
Angular and insecure
her body a mere wasteland
of what it was before
For when He banishes an angel
she will walk the streets
as a *****.

3:41 am
a late night cigarette
                         I'm coming down again
but lay your heavy head to rest

         I would wake you
but love, I realize
that sleep is the only place
where peace falls on your restless mind

Pull & drag
                     now it's 3:45
conscious take cover
allow my tired brain to hide

Chills & a dry cough
hallucinogenic view
baby medicate me,
                              for you're the only drug I choose.

through years and tears
  tiny arrows spinning round and
    round insignificant numbers on
       a flat face, staring back at me.  
         a field of wild grasses and flowers
           only followed by another single
              field, no rolling hillsides
             but only industrialism,  
         mindless materialism
      that numbs you so softly
   and slowly
you barely
notice
it

already

has
happened.

I remember you well,

                             in the Chelsea Hotel


               you were talkin'


                                    so brave & so sweet.


     Giving me head,


                       on the unmade bed


   While the limousines wait in the streets.

She smells of jasmine
And sea island cotton

Her haunting green eyes
And vivid ice blonde hair

Not even The Creator
Could believe

He had constructed something
So beautiful

Starting honey sweet, light as a feather
the first spring breeze
thats breaking the brittle cold
of past weathers.

Longing after what seems
but a distant memory, my heart is tethered.

I cannot stress enough, express such need
to feel warm earth against my bare feet;
dewy breeze down my exposed spine
all the mental sighs of summertime.

Laying hands and lips against
sun-kissed skin
feeling relief from the heat ridden beach,
as we suspend in the calm, endless ocean

To be out until pink, and lavander
bursts of fragmented light graze the sky
and watch the dozing sun
set in his espresso eyes

We'll lay upon the soft emerald grass
watching all the stars and satellites
hands naturally entertwined
on our beautiful August night.

I met you in September
When the leaves were just tempted to change
I met you in September
When the earth felt like autumn in the rain
I met you in September
3 months shy of my birthday
I met you in September
apart from headache or drama
I met you in September
listening to Frank, Kendrick and Lana.

I met you in September
and so I say it clear
I only met you in September
because it's my favourite month of the year.

Once again,
as I retread over
the fragments of your
literary beauty.

You write in the most potent essence of
our connection embodied.

I am so ever ensnared by the rhythm
that your words play on my heart strings.

Especially, now
In this time where I am so desperately in need;
of just
a small dose of affection

trace your fingers on my lips gently
for if you play my pulse
like you do that guitar

my soul will sing to yours
through my heart beats

the moon is cast, high in the sky and so far away
I long for the fields that span endlessly into
absolute nothingness.

I cannot bear the industrialized life,
dreaming, there are no gas filled automotives
or smoke stacks pouring their noxious fumes
into the sky.

I sit on the shoreline, and watch the clouds pass me by.
Waiting, I could wade in
and simply say goodbye.

Mind racing backwards,
Wrist bleeding against the wall
This is my story,
Scar tissue and all

(oh) I stumble wired and thin
You've pinned me under your thumb
To watch me come undone again

(don't) you know you're sewn into my head
Work of a thick, jagged needle
And a rusty, barbed wire thread

Chorus:
I feel her coming
I can hear her screaming
Yeah, I know she's just teasing
And I'm powerless to fight back

(Yeah) I sense her haunting
Engulfed in self-loathing
You know, she's only wanting
Her weary mind to falter back

I wake
To the iridescent cascade
Of pale light
Streaked across your face

I dance, sweet temptress in hand
As I stray out of my mind
And fix myself another line

Chorus (again)

Oh baby don't you see these scars?
Break my neck and spare my heart
Daddy can you spot my tracks?
Daddy when will you face the facts?

Your child has grown
Your baby's moved on
And now your little girl
Is dead and gone

With lights outside, around the houses and white snowy trees they are lined.
If we were out there we'd surely be cold
So, in here I'm grateful that it is you I hold...

But thats not how this story goes,

He:
Pushed me up against the wall
**** -forceful, yet gentle-
Please,
              Sir*,
                     I want it all

The urge to obey
Is so engrained

But baby I can't help myself today
I want you so bad I can barely breathe
I can feel my pulse all the way
through my shaking body
To the moisture down underneath

Brings me back
To the bed, I know he can't help himself
But strip me of my clothing
And pleasure me to high hell

My mouth can't help but oblige
              when I'm looking into your heavy
                        steeped, black espresso eyes.

A wicked, soulful grin
      tongue & cheek with ***** words
                 bite my lip & watch you grin.

Press my back up against the wooden door,
                            loosen the lock on my lips
                                     you'll definitely enjoy what I
                                                                   have in store

Run your hand under my waistband
            and touch me like a painted maid
                                                 soulful, melodic
                                                         passion breathes  
                                                           in the tongue riffs
                                                                           you play
                   the symphony of pleasure you produce
       is such a tease

Yet someone else has left lines in your sketchbook,
paint splatters on your notebooks,
memories in your songs hooks.

All the lines of lyrics, memorized
recited to me time after time
darling, open up your
water coloured veins to me
let me patten your psychedelic heart
and watch my paintings bleed.

But no matter how many books, or paragraphs
Sentences, words & letters I write to you
It never seems it is enough I do
Let me walk you through my life & show you one thing
The main reason I tend to excuse myself,
And leave your head wandering.

The first incidences happened when I was merely 8
But you see it didn't stop there,
It's only been 2 years since I've escaped.
Tear-stained cheeks & strange men
Now I'm sure you understand

But you can be my tomcat
If I can be your little kitty
Let's paint the world
Touch the sky
Find our souls
& run the city

We'll wake up every morning
Just before father sun finds his way about
Through sleep, I'll whisper gently across the pillow
*"it's too early
  to wake up
  to start figuring this out."

I remember your face, like it was yesterday
when the sea spirits & wood nymph's played
early sunsets, long resting days
the grass blown in a newly sewn bouquet

You were such a lovely soul to me
I knew in you, I could be free
Through your saccharine-blossoming songs to me
in a simply speaking voice, or poetry

Let a rainbow trail your wings,
when you take off and fly
Through mountains, and waterfalls
the center of the earth, or the moon so high

the Mourning Dove's, sweet
morning lullabies

maybe if we try,
we can travel this earth forever,

you and i

Disassociation
some turn to it for recreation
but I like to feel like me
I hate watching the world
play out like a movie on the big screen

The entire world
I can only see
I can't experience
the joy of life around me

I can't untie
untangle, unwind
all the strings tightly wrapped
around my poor little mind

I don't know what to do or say
I can't even bring myself to cry

Maybe I'm just the needy type
to feel a warm body
his heartbeat
against my spine