Apple juice

Apple juice Nov 2020

The pains in my belly
Are almost comforting.
Something’s inside down there and you’re creating it.
can you feel her?
She’s in there
Waiting for me,
Waiting for mommy to make up her mind, Waiting for me to use my sense, Waiting for me by handing me the opportunity not to be useless.
Oh baby..
I’m sorry daddy just isn’t happy..
I want you to know that
Mommy just isn’t ready
And mommy would never place a lifetime of harm upon you.
You are the design combined of everything I’ve wanted
and everything I’ve loved.
You’re what I always wanted.
I just can’t bare to give you up...
Mommy will be with you in another life...
a safe place for us to play.
a safe place for you to grow.
I’ll be ready then.
I love you my all
Until we meet again my bean
~ sincerely, a pregnant teen

Such a decision no not based on pride but empathy and reason for another number in our horrid foster system.

#guilt #ridden #avoidable #tragedy

Apple juice May 2020

Bony Knees

Withering skin shrivels onto hugging ribs,
Tighter and tighter,
the flesh grows.
No meat between the bones,
Nor weeping upon this humble abode,
Just a silence that continues to grow.

They don’t get how hard it is for me to eat. At times it almost makes me sick to the point where if I take a bite and try to chew I gag. Something I’ve struggled with for a long time..eating something so simple controls such a big part of my life..something people don’t seem to understand

#struggle #eating #habits #sickly #icky

Apple juice Feb 2020

Vanilla

𝖯lain, generic, and, sweet.
𝖲omething that just can’t be beat.
𝖳he irony of so many.
𝖵anilla is not of any.
Godly silk of milky white and an Understatement of unrequited affection.
𝖲he lies supine waiting for vanilla to pick a side.
𝖩ust above the rim of the cup,
vanilla built all the way to the top, with No mix-ins, an overscoop just for you, and a smile on the side too.
𝖲even o’three is what is going to be.
𝖲even o’three and a firm grip on me.
𝖸es the irony of choosing originality when its the exact opposite of what you preach
𝖤specially in between the sheets.
𝖨ndeed nothing to write home about
just a medium cup of soupy iced cream.
𝖠 flavor so **** sweet that’s sadly not for me.
𝖲weet memories in time.
𝖨’ll continue on
with vanilla on my mind.

Medium vanilla with no toppings.
How ordinary yet you aren’t like of any.
vanilla is you but vanilla isn’t what you are. Vanilla isn’t how you play vanilla is what you taste.

#vanilla #ice #cream #frighting #memories #plain #ordinary #irony #sexuality

Apple juice Feb 2020

Weary eyes

Listen to me you’re better than
I so who am I to decide
what happens in life
who am I to say you’re to blame
who am I to know what you’ll never show
who are we to decide
what fait has in mind
for these weary eyes
honey what a prize to have by your side but you’re too arrogant to realize
Sigh those
Beautiful eyes
truthful lies
Hesitant cries
Deceitful ties
Tummy butterflies
Tasteful disguise
patronizing romanticism all for our god given life of prison

I’ve hurt many By my hand without purpose but it was never of spite it was never of rage
I am literally insane and I’m sorry for what I’ve done to all who’ve come my way in my path and stood by even tho It wasn’t right

#regret #pains #aches #insanity #humanity #loyalty #prison

Apple juice Feb 2020

Apple Pie

No matter the heat of boiling blood I have for you,
There's this look we give at truth.
See when you look at me
sand paper scuffs alongside my Memory.
A blank slate of just aesthetically pleasing that just…
fades away.
Staring at every trace of feature upon your obdurate disguise as well as into your eyes,
we still both smile
We both know we’re supposed to be on fire
so why are we smiling?
My heart awakening and
yours contemplating
I look at you and gain some like tranquility.
Just Floats away like it’s all going to be okay.
All in the matter of seconds
And then we’re mad again
Despite what just happened.
You’re a habit that’s impossible to break, so let’s make it a strength
drop the waste and come take a taste
of the best mistake you’ll ever make

Like banging two stones together the stubbornness lays within his eyes his name his face someone I couldn’t dare to 'love' but love finds it way and we can’t change the way we feel ..no matter how hard we try...

#hard #head #forbidden #emotions #guilt #rock #feels #truth #youth

Apple juice Feb 2020

Time

It’s time to let go
So why can’t I do so?
You’re bad for me
So why do I want you so badly..
Time and time again
You’re in my head
Why can’t I accept the fact that you’re dead
Long gone wasted time
What I would do to go back and rewind
All the times I ******* up your life.

Written what seems like so long ago in last April written towards someone I used to call my home accepting the fact that you were never coming back.

#dead #acceptance #character #development #short #meaning #letting #go