You said yes
And now I cannot wait
Until I see your smile
Feel your hands on my skin
Your breath on my face
What have you done to me?
Everything
What do you mean to me?
Everything
What do I want?
Everything.

I am sorry that I surprised you
But at the time I did not know
That you were one of them;
I did not know.

It may have been in my head,
This piece of information
But not yet in the right place
For dissemination.

This seems like a lame excuse;
It is not indeed to be,
My mind is struggling too,
Struggling to be free.

I am sorry that you were hurt
But glad you walked away.
It meant that in spite of it all,
You enjoyed a better day

It meant that you were further from me
But perhaps you did not care,
Perhaps it was a part of me
You were not eager to share.

I am sorry I surprised you,
I think I did not know
That you were one of them,
I did not know.

It is too late to ask me why,
It is too late to say I lied,
It is too late for me to run,
It is too late to blame my mum.

It is too early to say goodbye,
It is too early for me to die,
It is too early in the day,
It is too early for me to say.

It is too hard to explain,
It is too hard to take the blame,
It is too hard for me to cry,
It is too hard for me to try.

It is too easy to run away,
It is too easy for you to stay,
It is too easy to point at me,
It is too easy for me to see.

It is too late,
It is too early,
It is too hard,
It is too easy.

Two toos are two not four,
Four toos are four not eight,
You see, it’s not easy,
It’s just too late.

Follow me

Follow me across fields
Whistle through flat leaves
While I spread blankets and honey

Follow me into blindness
As we stumble in our search
For **** and *****

Follow the scratch of my pen
As it records stories of battles fought and forgiven

Follow me to the top of the tower
Laugh into the empty air
Of heaven

Follow me in your blue dress and leave it next to mine  
Folded in sin

Follow me into the smoke of cigarettes
And watch as coins bounce and spin

Follow me and dance with one hand on your side
As fingers click.

Follow me and all this you shall see and hear
As the seconds tick

Follow me

“Do not be afraid”,
The poet said.

“Come, follow me,
Take my hand” he urged,
As he stood on the burning bridge.
“I will guide you into places
Where you have never been,
To see sights that you have never seen”

And guide us he did,
This wonderful man,
With words and rhythms
And rhymes and reasons
That we had never heard,
The lines of which we had never learned

And when he took us home,
At the end of our long journey,
We felt refreshed and alive,
As if the sky had washed us
In a way it had never done
Whilst we sang a song we had never sung.

And this poet even put us to bed
And he watched as we dreamed
Of worlds we had never seen,
Of words we had never spoken,
In a way we shall never forget
And with a love that we shall never regret.

And the poet said,
“Do not be afraid”

Follow me across fields
Whistle through flat leaves
While I spread blankets and honey

Follow me into blindness
As we stumble in our search
For elastic money

Follow the scratch of my pen
As it records stories of battles fought and forgiven

Follow me to the top of the tower
Leap into the empty air
Of heaven

Follow me in your blue dress and leave it next to mine  
Folded in sin

Follow me into the smoke of cigarettes
And watch as coins bounce and spin

Follow me and dance with one hand on your side
As fingers click.


Follow me and all this you shall see and hear
As the seconds tick

Follow me

You sat in the bar,
Close to me
Too close for comfort
You left with me
Wearing the green jacket
You wore that day
When you took off your clothes
And joined me in the sea
You said goodbye
I said see you soon
When you asked
Soon I said
I want to see you soon
I want to lie next to you
Too close for comfort
Naked in bed
It cannot be
It cannot be
It will have to remain
A fantasy

I confess that I do not know
The way to get to where I am to go
But there will be light and darkness
And warriors and dancers
Who will know the music in my heart
That says that I love you.

I confess that I do not care
Which persons will be there
To mourn my final breath.
What is life but waiting for death?
What is life but a time to dare
To love you


I confess that I did not laugh
At the strange things that littered the path
Through the time which I have been given,
A time when all the answers were hidden
The answers to the question
Why do I love you?

I confess that I shall not cry
When I know that I am to die
Because then shall I know for sure
What lives in my deepest core;
It is the only thing that matters
The love I feel for you.

Go to sleep my darling
And let me wander through the night,
Looking for the answers,
Looking for what is right.

Allow me to stumble
Upon your dreams both dark and bright,
Then leave me on my own,
To wander through the night.

I have seen what is wrong,
As it changed me in your eyes,
I have seen all too clearly,
The sweet and bitter prize.

So when you awake
From your travels both far and near,
Call me, my darling,
Overcome your fear.

The fear of failing
To understand the black and the white,
The fear of looking,
And finding what is right.

Go to sleep my darling.
Fear not, I know now what is right.
It is you, my love,
You, you are my light.

There is a part of him in you,
There is a part of him in me;
One wanted to live,
The other to be free.

Tell them all about me he asked
But I could never understand
This man who loved her,
Until I had spoken to the hand.

He told you what he was to do,
But he did not understand,
This man who loved you,
What lay in his hand.

If only they had waited
For each of us to grow;
If only they had waited
For each of us to know.

Both died by his own hand,
One held a cigarette, the other a gun,
She said lift your cap,
If you ever meet a nun.

And here we are the children,
I never smoked, you never fired a shot
Yet there is a part of him in us,
Which part? The part we knew not.

You have revisited his past;
Where he has stood, you stand.
I have written words;
Now we understand.

The tale of two fathers,
A tale of a girl and a boy,
A tale of friendship,
A tale of loss and joy.

There is a part of me in you,
There is a part of you in me.
Our fathers who art in heaven,
Hallowed be.

What is death?
A doorway to another world,
Another existence?
No.
It is a command
To love my life;
Not for what it could be
Not for what it almost was
Not for what it used to be in the good old days.
No.
It is to ensure
That I love my life as it is
And, if I do not do so,
Then I must change
And recognise that
Each second, each minute,
Each moment
Is precious
And must not be wasted
On what life could be
Or on what life almost was
Or on what life used to be
In the good old days
Because these are the good days.
Now.

Come to my room tonight,
Whisper my name at the door,
I shall answer,
As I did before.

“Yes?” I shall say,
With a beating heart,
And the door will close
As I lie in the dark.

I shall hear the shuffle
Of your feet on the floor,
The rustle of sheets,
As I did before.

Without a word,
You will lie down by my side
I shall not move,
But I shall not hide.

And, in the morning,
As I awake,
Alone in my bed,
My heart shall ache.

Was it real or a dream?
I cannot be sure,
All I know is that I love you,
As I did before.

When next I see you,
I shall say nothing
Not that I have nothing to say.

When next I see you,
I shall feel nothing
Not that I have nothing to feel.

I shall not let words or feelings
Interrupt our communion

When you were young,
I played with you,
I read to you,
I tucked you in.

When you were older
I spoke words you enjoyed
I expressed feelings you understood

But, no, I shall say nothing,
I shall feel nothing,
It may only last a moment.

It will mean everything

yes,
he spoke of the language of flowers,
this man of Gaul,
he spoke and, as he spoke,
i looked out of his window,
i saw my thoughts trail across
a sky as blue as that in his first film.
i stood, naked, as he shined his light on me,
it picked out the old, the new,
it bathed me,
it made me feel beautiful again,
as any human, being, gone, to become.
he asked me to do what i wanted to do,
i laid on his floor,
i looked up,
into his eyes,
i saw that he knew
i was doing what i wanted to do,
i was speaking the language
of romance, poetry, of stories new and old,
my body twisted this way, that way,
the way it used to,
i was speaking la langue,
l'ancienne langue,
des fleures,
d'amour,
d'une vie,
une vie de la beauté,
oui.

"When shall we stop looking at women?"
Asked my friend.
As another came into view,
I hoped
That we had not stared
Too much, too long, too anything.
Educated, sincere, honest,
No-one should vilify his roving eye.
Later, as we sat eating,
The beauty parade continued;
We were polite, gracious, complimentary.
I walked through the tables,
The thin waitress caught my eye - the other one -
I returned her smile.
We left for home, my friend and I
To take to our beds,
Each of us alone,
Without enjoying the touch of another's flesh
Words of innocence,
A song of joy.
We had come into the world with nothing,
Only to lose everything.
"The day we die" I replied.

We talked for an hour,
She had a single tear below her eye
She wasn’t sad but astute
As she asked what and why

We were the pugilists,
She the referee,
It was no tear but a blemish,
An old injury.

I listened to you both,
Expressing your views,
And, in my silence,
I examined your shoes.

Then it was my turn;
I spoke what was true.
It was the truth I spoke
To her and to you.

Then our time was over,
No more debate,
No more apologizing in advance,
No more to relate.

So we stepped into tomorrow,
Now sure of what to do
And, look, I - I have fallen in love again
Unfortunately for you.

You cried.
I did not want to hurt you
But I wanted you to cry.
I left you alone to wipe away the tears.
Otherwise,
I would have kissed them away.

When you returned to the room,
You seemed lost,
Searching for the lost thing
Or a thing to replace the lost thing
Why?
You hugged me
I did not want to hurt anyone
But I wanted you to hug me
I felt your body in my arms
The strap of your bra
So many times I looked at your lips

But I am not the man I was -
I am me.
I had pull myself out of a deep pool
A pool of despondency
A pool of emptiness
A pool of Loneliness.
Have you been there?

I want to lie on my floor
With you.
I want to talk to you
About Kings and Queens,
The castles they live in
The places they have seen.
I want suddenly to see in your eyes
The love that disappeared long ago
The love we no longer know.
I want you to want me to kiss your hips
To lick your lips
To sing you a song from a famous musical
And to confuse it all
With happiness.
Where does love go after it has been lost?
Does it squeeze between the books on a shelf
Is it lifted into the branches of a tree
Where it waits by itself
To drop on to a passer-by
Or does it disappear for ever
Like the beggar you no longer meet.
No.
It stays in your heart,
Standing in line
Waiting for the time
When we shall love again
Please spare me the pain
Let me die before you commit ******
I would have preferred a
More peaceful end
My friend
The moon, a river
A feather,
A pillow,
You,
And me.

I want to watch you,
As if you were alone.
I want to feel your desire
As if you were with another,
Not like me
Someone strong enough
To take control.
I want to hear you
As if I was far away.
I want to see you touch
As if I had never existed.
I want you to have everything
I cannot give you.
And I want to watch, feel, hear, see and understand it all
And after, I want to run away and hide.

Softly now,
Wish as you whisper,
Wipe away the tears
That drizzle down my cheeks,
You paint in lavender today
Tomorrow in blue, the day after ,
Who knows?
Why I cry?
It is not the colour,
No, it is something else,
It is the pain,
Sudden, like a slap,
That then seeps into my heart,
Squeezing it with kisses.

I sit alone, watching the thin branches shudder
In the breeze,
I look again.
Still. No, they sway, I think,
The petals feed on the fog,
As it puffs and sinks and settles.
All life and death is here -
A blur, a smudge, a shadow, a lick.
I flick a switch and it has gone;
The pain remains,
That beautiful ache in my eyes,
Washed clean so than I can see
The reality of time
Expressed so eloquently
In a moment
That I love.

I WOKE TO THE SMELL OF ROSES
IT WAS SUNDAY
I WONDERED IF I WAS DEAD
AND THEN I BEGAN TO PRAY
NOT TO GOD OR ANY OTHER RELIGIOUS SYMBOL
BUT TO MYSELF    
FOR THAT IS WHERE THE TRUTH LIES
DEEP IN MY HEART
COVERED UP LIES, DECEIT AND ANGER
I PICK UP EACH ROTTING FRAGMENT
AND CAST IT TO ONE SIDE
SLOWLY AS I REVEAL MYSELF
THE VEIL LIFTS FROM MY EYES
I SEE A GLIMPSE, ONLY A GLIMPSE
OF THE TRUTH
NOW IT IS UP TO ME
TO DISCOVER
WHO I REALLY AM
ONLY THEN
WILL I DESERVE ANYONE’S LOVE
IT WOULD BE BEST IF IT WAS NEVER GIVEN OR SOUGHT
Because there are more worthwhile battles to be fought

The sun paints shapes of silver
On the water,
As it rushes over the pebbles,
Singing a melody,
Never heard before or since.
It is the end of life,
in its present form.
He goes now to a place
With neither past nor future,
He will feel exultant,
Vital and valiant.
You shall know this,
Because whenever you think of him,
He will be that way.
There will come a day
When you too will join him,
In that timeless state,
Where no wars are fought,
Where sunrise marks not a beginning,
Nor sunset an end.
Upon the sound of the gentle bell,
You shall go quietly,
To leave us to wonder,
Until we take our turn,
To roll out the blanket
To sit with you among “sweet forget-me-nots
That grow for happy lovers”,
While listening to the words,
Full of meaning,
That no-one understands,
No-one hears,
Until the bell chimes.

When next I see you,
I shall say nothing
Not that I have nothing to say.

When next I see you,
I shall feel nothing
Not that I have nothing to feel.

I shall not let words or feelings
Interrupt our communion

When you were young,
I played with you,
I read to you,
I tucked you in.

When you were older
I spoke words you enjoyed
I expressed feelings you understood

But, no, I shall say nothing,
I shall feel nothing,
It may only last a moment.

It will mean everything

Do you remember me?

The boy whom you loved
In that world where you walked
And clicked your heels?

The youth who had grown
Into manhood
Whilst you explored another land?

The young man from whom you recoiled
With anger and spite
When he moved you aside?

The brother who stood by your bed
And witnessed the beginning
And the end?

I am the keeper of the flame
In my heart which flickers
Still.
Until,
My beginning,
My end.

I remember you.
Do you remember me?

You showed me the words,
Which I did not ask to read,
Which I needed to read,
Which you needed to show me,
Which I wanted to hear.
Your poems were strangely beautiful,
Beautifully expressed,
Beautifully composed;
They told a story,
A story of hell.

I cannot remember the question,
But I do remember the answer I gave,
Without mercy,
That I had, we had,
Given my own daughter the happiest of childhoods.

Soon you and I shall dance together,
And after, you shall tell another story,
In words and pictures.
A story of a woman and a man;
It will not be strange or beautiful
But normal and safe.

Sometimes I just want to be normal
I want to stroll over to the pub
And chat to a guy I know
And when I want to leave
I shall go

I shall walk out into the sunlight
Stretch my back and get into my car
Put on my music loud
And drive as fast I can
As fast I’m allowed

It will take twenty minutes or so
To reach the station in time
I park and watch a disabled guy
Limp to the ticket machine
I thank my lucky stars
That it’s him
Instead of me

You see me as you leave the train
You smile in that familiar way
Demure and kind of formal
A smile that a wife
Would give to a husband    
If he was normal    

Yeah, normal is what I’d like to be
Nothing special, just as before
A man who could hold his head high
A man who could sing with The Beatles
Tell me why

We meet in the night
And we talk of this and that,
Of people’s voices in the street,
Of such things we talk when we meet.

How fortunate we are to meet like this;
How blessed to have the company
Of someone whom we hold so dear,
Of someone whose loss it would be hard to bear.

Perhaps that is the deal we have to make
When we find true love;
Someone to meet, to love, to talk to, to lose
That is me and that is you.

We met once in the night
And we talked of this and that.
We were the voices in the street
How lucky we are to talk and meet.

I am already dead,
I tell them what they want to hear
I’m fine, thank you.
I love you
They assume that I am gushing,
Overflowing with love
But, am i?
I frighten them away,
I know that I shall act honourably
They know too, don’t they?
That I am a spaz
A dead spaz
But why didn’t you say?
Are you feeling better now?
Yes, I’m fine thank you
Look, I’m naked again,  
I cannot speak,
I cannot walk
I cannot go
I cannot come
I am inspirational, unoperational,
Sensational, creational
And
I am already dead
What a relief.

When I saw you yesterday,
You smiled at me
And, in that moment,
I knew the secret of life.

You were saying in that smile,
It is my turn now,
I am going to carry on
What others before have done.

I saw in your eyes
The sight of ancient times;
People I did not know
As well as those whom I loved.

It was strange
To see such faces
In the eyes of one so young.
It was a thing of wonder,
Like a beautiful song.

Your mummy will sing to you
As I sang to her.
She will talk to you
As I talked to her.

She will impart tales of times gone by
And she will speak the names
Of people you will never know
But you will take these forward.

Then one day you will look
Into the eyes of your child
And you will see what I saw yesterday,
When you smiled at me.

Who am I doing all this for,
Now that I am reaching the end?
I just want it to be quick;
No Huckleberry Friend.

I took you in my arms,
They knew your shape so well,
But I am not the man I was,
I am an empty shell.

I want to make a move
But you pat a message on my back,
So I stand easy
And wait for the dial to turn black.

I see ahead the end of the path;
There is nowhere else to go,
No cosy spot in which to rest,
I hope that it is not too slow.

Birds wheel and clatter in the air,
Dark against the morning sky,
I want to hear the applause,
Not listen to them cry.

Now that it is almost over,
I ponder what has gone before.
No answer to the question,
Who am I doing all this for?

I stepped on the cobbles

leading to your garden gate.

you stood up

in a blue dress

I returned your wave.

home,

I felt I was coming home.

we arrived at the gate at the same time.

your open face,

full of smiles and wonder,

greeted me.

I entered your house made of wood.

I entered your soul.

the floorboards creaked

it was as if the house was sighing.

we talked in circles

you pulled the curtain aside.

your dog was asleep.

the floor was covered in grey

I took off my clothes

you photographed me.

you put on your slip,

stood behind me

and clicked

then it was over.

you invited me to walk with you and your dog.

I declined.

I left,

I did not look back

until now.

I understand

everything,

but me.

I lie here in the dark
The cool morning air dries my skin
Moist after the sweaty night
I want a body next to me
Preferably yours
Just someone else who accepts me as I am
Crippled and trembling
With fear and with rejection
I am apart from everyone else
Sure, they are very kind to me now that I am no longer normal
They mean well
But I want them to mean more
I no longer have the confidence
To flirt, to beguile, to make people laugh
Oh I can raise the odd eyebrow
I tell a story
Probably the same one again and again
And they indulge me
Yes this is a form of self-pity
Not very attractive I know
But I have only myself to relate to now
I am the outsider
That people welcome into their lives
And say how amazing I am
And then they go home to their normal family,
So I lie here in the dark
Naked with myself
I brush my hands over my skin
And sometimes it feels good
And sometimes it doesn’t
I’m ****** basically
I am waiting for the sea to warm up
So that I can envelope myself in its silky charms
But I am afraid that even the sea will say no to me
Sorry chum but you’re just not up to it any more
You are an outsider

A painful blow to the head
Brought me to my senses
About how I should write
These words and these verses.

Her voluminous purple skirt
Brushed gently over the grass,
Still crisp and dry in the night,
Still visible under its mask.

She looked through the window
And marvelled at the laughter
Then bent her head to the sky,
To consider the hereafter.

It sent a small shiver
Through that elegant frame;
Little did she suspect
That she would walk this way again.

Resurrection in name only;
Not so very odd.
She wrote the letter in pencil
And put her trust in God.

Not that our dear father
In heaven and all hallowed
Could have created such a man
With a soul so shallow.

Her sister said he had no heart
But when he broke down and cried
He showed some emotion
That she thought within him had died.

We are all found out,
Either by ourselves or by others;
Our minor misdemeanours
Or our secret lovers.

And when that hour arrives,
Either we shall be dying in bed
Or grateful that we suffered
A painful blow to the head.

What is love, my love?
The kiss in the morning, the last touch at the end of the day,
The liberation of our thoughts, the words we do not say.

What is love, our love?
Letting go and turning away head to the wall,
Confusion, anger, spite, laughter, that is all.

What is love. Their love?
Walking alone but thinking only of her,
Thinking only of him; the loneliness a blur.

What is love, my love?
You, you are my love, my isolation, my fear;
No longer a blink, a silence, a tear.

And when they ask us,
And they are certainly going to ask us,
Why did we love, my love, what shall we say?
That was before, this is today?
No, we shall walk each of us into the shadow of the band
And dance slowly, gloriously until we can no longer stand.
That is what is love, my love.

In my dreams
They skim across the turf,
Like white swans,
Weaving patterns with the ball of brown leather.
Mackay with chest puffed out, strong and hard
Blanchflower threading the ball through enemy lines
To the Welsh wizard, Jones
Who turns on a sixpence,
Leaving the defender flat on his back.
The ball floats into the box
The crowd lurches forward as one,
Willing the burly Smith to plant it into the net.
It groans as the ball is punched away by a desperate goalkeeper,
It spins high into the sky
And for a moment,
It is lost in the glare of the floodlights
But one man keeps his eye firmly on the ball
The tall, noble Norman leaps into the air
And we hear the thud as he heads the ball back
From whence it came,
Thousands cheer and then weep with wonder
As the Ghost, White, appears from nowhere
To cosset it with his right and flick it with his left
Into the path of Greaves who turns to acknowledge the roar
Even before it crosses the line.
He runs to the centre circle,
His hand outstretched, to thank
The mighty centre half
Who stands like a sentry at the castle gate
All in white – white shirt, white shorts, white socks –
Apart from the cockerel sewn in blue onto his heaving chest,
Which encases the throbbing heart
That now beats no more
Except,
In my dreams.

It was only a moment
No more
I mean, how long does a moment last?
She was standing in the kitchen
Near the sink
Next to me
Facing away
I took a step back
She turned on her heel
I happened to be holding my left hand about level with her waist
It was almost a dance step
We did not touch
And then it was over
I carried on past her
I don’t think she noticed
She had her back to me
It was only a moment

A rich carpet of blue silk
Stretches out before me.
It licks the shore like a lazy insistent lover.
I look down at my feet;
Their shape distorted by one ripple, then another.
I run my hand over my lumpen skull
Backwards, forwards, backwards, forwards
Until the thoughts settle and lie,
Until my heartbeat slows,
Until men in black pass by.
I look up into white clouds,
Kissed by the hidden sun.
A spider's web bounces in the breeze.
What madness we bring into this world!
What misguided passion!
Who cares? I do.
I smile whilst I can.
I am thinking,
Thinking, only of you.

Before midnight, I slept quite well.
This filthy disease kept away
It suited me to shake hands and smile
And occasionally roll in the hay.

Then the daylight disappeared
And slowly darkness fell
I grew tired but I was spared
The ****** descent into Hell.

I pulled the curtains across
I locked the doors
I lived life at a loss
What was it all for?

Because soon enough it was night
Deep dark black skies
I no longer slept
Could not close my eyes

Now they are open
And I can see
What it is like to be broken
What it is like to be me

What is it like to be free?
Trapped in a world of my own?
What is it like to be me
Broken and alone?

****
****
****
****

Hi there,
l went swimming today,
ln the sea,
It was a day you would have liked,
A strong current,
A single wave rushing forward, crashing down ,
And the sun, the sun was just saying hello
From behind the high sleepy buildings on the shore,
The sky was the prettiest blue,
Daubed with white cloud edged with grey.
l did not tarry long in the water,
Long enough to taste the salt,
Long enough.
l dried myself with a yellow towel
And climbed up the beach,
As l stepped onto the pavement,
l looked up the street
And there you were,
A small shadowy figure on your bicycle,
Freewheeling down the hill
With a dog at your side.
I laughed out loud,
I blinked as I wiped my eyes,
l looked again
But there was no figure, no bicycle, no dog.
They had gone.
You had gone.
l walked home alone
And pictured you across the sea
Pulling open the curtains
To reveal the same sun,
Hearing young chatter from one bed and older yawns from another,
A wagging tail and stretch from a basket,
The smell of coffee from its bubbling metal jug.
Hi there.

Oh fly me to thy bed,
Princess of the light.
Do not wait upon thy conscience
But love me there as I would wont to love thee.

And how would that be?
Soft and silent as a petal to the touch?
Or hard and rough,
Like the careless storms of winter?

No, it would be as thou desireth
So long as I am in the partnership of it.
I would accept thy every whim,
So to lie with thee upon thy grace.

‘Tis God’s truth
That I love the very core of thee;
Each movement of the clock
Hath marked this state.

Does it too, set the beat of my heart
In perfect harmony with thine,
Or is it discordant calamity
That falleth upon mine ear?

No, that clamour is
Born of the dancing of angels,
In joy in laughter in celebration
Of my love
And thine.

Words,
Whisper them into the half-light
Words that describe me, define me, identify me.
They are limiting;
They do not allow for anomaly, contradiction or freedom.
Or the depth of the water in the well
That seeps away slowly in the heat of the morning.
I am one person,
I repudiate the others;
They fill my head with thoughts that I rejected long ago.
I spurn them still
But they crowd in, they bill and coo and **** on my morality.
I am weak and defenceless
But I fight them with words,
Words whispered in the half-light.
I draw my silver sword,
I thrash it left and right,
Sinew and muscle jar as the blade hits its mark.
But the surgeon’s scalpel
Draws foreign blood;
It is mine that must be shed,
Mine that must paint the town red.
A sword? Why, I can hardly kick a football.

Just a whisper of remembrance,
A brief touch on my shoulder,
And there you are!
Smiling, enquiring
Listening, reacting,
I shall let you go now
To be with them,
Your family,
Who love you so.
Your blood is their communion
What joy, what warmth,
You gave them and give them still.
How fortunate are they and we
To hear your whisper,
To feel your touch,
To love and be loved.

Cold.
Wet.
We struggle a few yards.
We both want it to happen
And happen it does.
I cling to the grey rock
And arch my back
I turn around and grasp it again.
The wind blows
As you come in closer
You ask me to look around.
And then it is finished.
It is over.
But then the blue.
The simple, stately blue of my body and the rocks.
Arrives later, much later.
It has a majesty that is unsurpassed,

I look up at your window,
As I pass by.
The shutters are closed,
Blank and white against the western sky.

I look up at your window
But you are not there.
I long to hear your thoughts,
Watch you re-arrange your hair

I look up at your window;
I want it all.
But it is not to be;
We were never meant to fall.

I look up at your window;
Today I see the sky.
I want to stand beside you,
And watch others pass by.

I look out of your window.
You do not ask me why.
I look across the Irish sea.
Where others watch you dry.

I look up at the window;
I see someone in your place.
You have now gone,
Leaving not a trace

I turn away from the window;
The wind of time has blown.
I walk home in silence,
To eat porridge on my own.

The feast was over.
I struggled to my feet,
Feeling strangely satisfied
With how little I had said at the table.
I had watched my children
Represent me, not with my knowledge
But with their own,
Gleaned from their experiences, not mine.
It was comforting to realise
How well they shall cope without me.
I sunk into the armchair,
The leather one by the fire,
I dreamed of knights in armour,
Fighting in a foreign wood.
I awoke to silence in my house;
No warriors here -
Only a mute stillness
Which demanded to be broken.
Slowly, I made my way
Into every room in my heart
And discovered each of them in turn,
Concerned in some important trivia.
They smiled as they were disturbed
And yet still no sound.
As I asked the question,
A soft call from a distant point
Grew louder, gently, gently.
I felt a hand on my shoulder;
I opened my eyes.
You.
It was you.

Swim
and
Dream,
Swim and dream….
My eyes, they are open but cannot see;
Yours are open like the petals of a rose.
You see clearly but why not I ?
You guide me,
Through the rushes which bend
Like Russian dancers,
This way, that way,
Over the rocks which seem to move
In the shifting sand;
Up to the light where naked limbs kick and struggle.
I blink in the sun;
I glance left and right,
I twist and turn,
You are gone.
I swim,
I dream,
Swim and dream….
And there you are,
Asleep on the sea bed.
Through a stream of bubbles I dive down
And you wake,
You smile,
I lean forward,
You laugh,
As the sun ***** you to the surface.
Your toes brush my fingers
As you climb past;
I follow,
We swim,
We dream,
Swim and dream….
Dream of the sound of shadows
To come .
What is that sound ?
It is nothing,
Nothing at all.

Go to sleep my darling
And let me wander through the night,
Looking for the answers,
Looking for what is right.

Allow me to stumble
Upon your dreams both dark and bright,
Then leave me on my own,
To wander through the night.

I have seen what is wrong,
As it changed me in your eyes,
I have seen all too clearly,
The sweet and bitter prize.

So when you awake
From your travels both far and near,
Call me, my darling,
Overcome your fear.

The fear of failing
To understand the black and the white,
The fear of looking,
And finding what is right.

Go to sleep my darling.
Fear not, I know now what is right.
It is you, my love,
You, you are my light.

I am an old man
Who lost his way
Lost the capacity to understand
Built on the foundations of shifting sand

I thought I had won
The battle and the war
But it seemed I had lost
All that I lived for?

So why , why do I whisper
These words in your ear?
What do I expect to achieve
What do I know, what do I believe?

I believe that I know you
I know that I believe
That you will listen to your friend
That this not how it will end.

I thought I had lost
The battle and the war
But I had won
A friend.
And what are friends for?

We shall meet under a lamp post,
You and I,
As in the old movies of another time.
No-one else shall be there,
To witness our conversation,
We shall draw our overcoats around us,
Against the cold and we shall hasten to
A pub and find seats beside the open fire.
We shall drink whisky
And talk as we have never done before,
Looking deep into each other’s eyes,
Full of understanding and love,
Another whisky, a double maybe,
Followed by stories of our youth,
Tales full of laughter and joy.
One more whisky for the road
And then we shall help each other
With our coats
And with a dramatic bow
And a shout of “All for one and one for all!”
We shall stagger giggling into the night leaning against each other.
We shall stop under the light of the lamp post
Where you will take hold of my lapels,
Draw me towards you and kiss my lips.
You shall smile and I shall smile.
“Au revoir, mon ami”
You shall say as I watch as you walk away.
You don’t look back,
Why should you?
You know all the answers now.
You shall wait patiently for your family to follow
And, until those days arrive,
You will visit them in their dreams,
With words of comfort and wisdom and wit,
Causing them to wonder how they can dream of sadness
And yet awake with a smile and a light heart.
You know.
You know that your body no longer has life
But you, the essence of you, will live forever
Fuelled by something which shall never die,
Needs no explanation – love.

Oh, I want to **** her
Yes, I do,
I really do
Oh, I want to **** her
But I want to ******* too.

Oh, I want to kiss her,
Yes I do,
I really do
Oh, I want to kiss her
But I want to kiss you too.

Oh, I want to hold her hand
Yes, I do,
I really do.
Oh, I want to hold her hand
But I want to hold your hand too.

Oh, I want to speak to her,
Yes I do,
I really do
Oh, I want to speak to her
But I want to speak to you too.


Oh, I want to watch her walk by
Yes I do
I really do
Oh, I want to watch her walk by
But I want to watch you walk by too.

Oh.