Are you happy

I wish and I crave, I am only temporary
They say happiness is a season, is a band aid, is a
Small breeze not a winter's storm
I tell you it matters I feel that it does
But I don't even know what I want between us
I swear I'm not lying
I swear I want you
But.

There is always a but but never what follows
I come up short
There is empty where there should be reason,
Where there should be definitive knowledge
Wisps and smoke and empty thoughts that don't hold
Are you telling me to leave or are you telling me to settle
If I am a tree, if I settle my roots and crack through stone and I
Raise my arms up to the trembling sky
Am I crushing a mountain to hold myself aloft?
Do I deserve such opposition, such work to make us?
Is it right that you are stone, you are mountain and crushed beneath my razored toes?
If I tremble to the mighty mountain as I delve into its depths
Who is the giant and who is the ant

I ask you to change and morph
I ask you to be the dreams of a paper-bound girl
But my voice is a hum of electricity and crackles
And when I watch you and hiss
The only sound is that of your laugh, eyes trained on someone else
I ask and I ask inside and only that side
The out is too far for my thoughts to reach

Perhaps if you were rich soil and I a small sprout
You could grow richer and I taller
And no one is cracked and broken into pieces
No one is gnarled and no one is fading
We nourish each other and create a forest
And I never wish to crush you beneath my aching, exhausted toes.

Exhausted
Always
I do this to myself over and over
Maybe one day I'll have a brain
Maybe one day I will stop existing as myself.
Maybe one day I can tell her the truth, that this is who I am,
No, the truth is that this is who I am stuck as
She looks like me, and I want to be her, but she is better
She is always better
She tries, she cares, she remembers.
When she wishes, when she wants, she does it.
She never aches, she never stabs herself from the inside out
Because she says something
She speaks, she moves her mouth and says something
And it is always right
And it never hurts anyone
Her words are soft, and she never hurts anyone.
She never wishes her chest would hollow out
Then wishes it would fill when it hollows.
She never wishes that she never had to do anything
Then wish that she had something to solve, something to dream and wish and care about.
I was her for a little while, but I lost her along the way
I had just found her, and I lost her
Or maybe that's a lie
I had gotten so close I could almost touch her hand
I almost caught her, after such a long chase
But was it a chase?
Or did I just watch her from afar.
I don't know anymore.

I just wish I was her, so one day,
When I cease to exist
All that I will feel will be good, all that I want, I will try for.

She is only a dream
That is the hardest part to accept
She is only a dream, and when I tell you what I hate about you
She looks on and shows me what I could be
What I could accomplish
If only I cared like they said I should.
If only I cared.

Anger always makes me feel so empty, like
I'm pushing and pouring my insides out
into the air around me, hot
and sticky and humid and
the world shakes and groans at the sudden
change in atmospheric pressure.
When I'm all done, when the air
and my head are hot and my face
is wet and my ears ring,
I am empty. My face is stiff. My nose is running.
And nothing is better.