High beat, low beat, fast beat -
Blood rushing in veins
And the beats continue
High, low - stable
It was him,
But he's dead -
High beat
But then
Low beat;
All memories rush within - fast beat
There are no memories, high beat.
He's gone, low beat.
She, too, stable.
Stable, but dead.
Calm - she thought, but no
Now hings have changed.
It was time,
It is time,
It is never time.
She never knew,
She still does not,
But He knows, so she is resting
Until it is stable, hoping:
Perhaps, eventually?
Stable.
High beat, low beat - no beat.

Fire burning cold under the sky of her thoughts

As wind grabs her fiercely, and closely, and slightly 

Lets her go - 

When things are left unattended, uncared for 

They tend to find a way to grow. 

The crack in the window, the hole in the wall,

The endless voices that occupy her thoughts:

Everything points in one direction, 

But the fears outweighed her seeming bravado. 

What lies ahead had already lied beneath 

And nothing could scratch the feelings she no longer bore. 

It was an act of bravery - or foolishness, 

To fight her demons alone, 

Not that she lost the battle - or the war;

but she lost so much more.

Fighting the mayhem could not be done with warmth, 

And for that she had become cold.

Cold was her soul, 

Harsh was her path - 

And as her feet bled, 

Her heart could no longer bounce.

In her eyes I see
A thousand smiles, I hear
A sad whisper.
When she talks,
She fakes
A few tones of grief.
She tries to make me think,
She is sad so I break
And tell her
Not to fear.
She wants me to be
Her knight when dawn
Is shining at its peak.
She thinks life is
One goodbye
And loads of hellos and come here.
I never cared,
And walked away,
And let sunlight be her escape.
Until one night,
I opened my eyes
And she was not there.
All the smiles were fake
And all the tears were true
But I was fool to think:
All she needs is a knight
To make her fairy tale real -
All it was that she was lost
And in need for a way
To put her pieces back to place.
She died of a disease
I did not think existed:
The disease of lonesome -
And insecurity.

I see it,
I jump,
I almost fall apart:
That is how life has been
For a couple of years past.
Something pulls me from the back,
And something pushes me so hard.
Lost in lack of equilibrium -
Incapable of moving an arm.
Trains rushing towards me
Phasing right through me
And I stand.
I take a breath.
I pant.
I whisper to myself
Because my lungs cannot function right:
It will end.
It will pass.
The train goes
And all my strength I catch
Until another breaks everything I touch.
From afar I see
Passengers getting in and out
But all this time
I never entered one.
I was always in the way
Of all the storms of winter
But not even once
I could admit out loud:
I am so cold tonight
And I just want to fall apart.

11:38
10/12/2018

Silence.
Shhh.
You hear silence a thousand times
And noise a bit.
When the world is so freaky,
Your heart is the safest bet.
Flickering stars tend to fade
When your eyes close:
Why would the eyes close?
For it would scare us
To actually see.
Ten
Nine
Eight
And not one two three -
Is not it easier to trace our steps back?
Time passes
So do our breaks
But time goes forward
And our memories keep us here.
One hurt the more,
One wish the less:
Until everything fits into place.
Silence.
Balance:
With each breath out,
A colder one gets in.

December 7, 2018.

At some point, one remembers all the people who were once part of his life (or in my case her). The circle of people we used to see for a long time. The faces that we no longer recognize, or the voices we no longer recall. The kind of people who were there, always, so you never had to make memories or think about those memories because you assumed they would last.
Ah!
The people who were once part of our lives.
Where did they go?
What do they do?
Who are they now?
Those questions will most probably never be answered.
But if it means much, I do remember some faces. I do recall some voices.
And the rest fade - like, to them, I faded. I am forgotten. My voice is not recalled. Where did I go? What did I do? Who am I? They will never know.

Some tears leave scars
Some wounds part
And some fears remain
When some hearts are long gone.