How many times I cried
How many times I begged
Don’t take me there
Not ever
I’ll do anything I swear

She glared at me with unfeeling eyes
As she always has
But in that moment
I just didn’t care
And waited for her to spare

She dragged me to the pool without a thought or care
The place where I had drowned before
And no one had been aware
I shudder as I remember what happened on that day
The water all around me choking my life away

She pushed me in the deep and walking away she said
“Try to go for good this time, and don’t come back again”
Silent tears slid down my face
Even though I knew
How foolish it was of me
To think that she wouldn’t go

I swam and swam
But tired at last
I sank down to the ground
Ready to die and accepting
That it was to be this way

I saw you waiting there
At the other end
Even though it wasn’t true
I still believe you were there
And you said
“Stay”

And I believed
In a better life and hope
I pulled myself out and walked away
No longer wanting that rope

I remember seeing you
In the front of the class
Standing like it was second nature to you
In front of a mass

I thought you were good
But returned to my world
As I reminded myself that I am alone

Imagine my surprise when you walked BEHIND to see
In my tiny corner
All eyes on me

I stared at you for a while
Barely believing my eyes
Thinking you’d leave and then forget

You stayed and sat
For three straight days
Cracking your jokes and destroying my walls
Making me laugh like I had lost nothing at all

A few days later
It was back again
To haunt me
To tell me
Never again

But you saw right through me
Right then you knew
What was wrong and what to do

I was only a step away from
Becoming friends with you
You understand me like no one ever could
Yet there’s one thing that no one would
Think of
Believe
Or wonder about me
The child who is quiet
But happy and alone

I feel anger
Not because they don’t see
But because they never wanted to
You tried
My friend
And for that I’m glad
But I always knew it was too much to ask

I sit on my bed
With the gun to my head
Not crying nor weeping
But simply still
Thinking about you
The only thing
Giving purpose to my life
While I try to ****

I’m sorry that it had to be this way
I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye
But I warned you that day when you sat by my side

I am the one
The one who couldn’t be healed
Simply because no one wanted to try

I edge away from the darkness
Afraid of the unknown
I find myself in the moonlight
Lucid and lone

The stars shine bright
They show me I’m not alone
Instead they laugh and dance and sing
With no care at all in the world

After days they make me smile
Every day they remind me of life
Soon I laugh instead of cry
And now I stand tall in the night

The people watching me believe
That I was always strong and brave
And now I no longer hide

For though I may not see them here
I know that they are always there
Watching and waiting
To take me home
When I just don’t care
About what I am

You say you love me
You always will
Little do you know
That life isn’t still

I don’t dare to believe you
Too quick to think
That one day you’ll leave me
Alone and tricked

Even though I trust you
Know that I’m scared
And I am aware that
Other people don’t care

I’ve always looked out for myself in every way
But I won’t deny it got much easier that day
You walked into my life when I was afraid and alone
And I feel like you have made me completely whole

I love you my friend
So don’t condemn me when I say
I’ve packed a suitcase
For that inevitable day

I ask this first
To myself each day
When I open my eyes
Everyday I say
Would you like it?
If you were to sleep and never wake
Lying still with thoughts
Echoing in your brain
The verses come alive
With my feelings they rise
Mostly angry yet full of grief
Never to be heard and never to slake
The thirst for understanding
For someone to know
Exactly what I am going through

Is my life how I presume
Or for others to model
As something of no use
Do I have any loved ones
That stand around me
Shielding, protecting and calming me
Will their presence ever put me at ease?

Is the strength to speak
Too much to need?
People around me may see
A person happy innocent and free
Nobody knows that deep inside
The chains of oppression and woe
Will never set me free
Sometimes, no always, I wonder
What is to be treasured in life?
Why do we smile while we cry inside

At times of weakness
I admit
Happiness and bliss have clouded my mind
But as I grow
They fade and they go
And now the things that used to make me smile
Are the ones that come to mind when my eyes fill with tears
And I wish with all my might
That my soul would take flight

The world of colour
Now I cannot see
It is full of black
And white to me
However well I try to paint
The walls of my prison still remain
Deep inside my heart I know
That how hard I try
I cannot let go

My voice stays silent
My mouth stays shut
I break down inside
And completely give up
I will not move
I will not leave
But somehow I don’t wish to stay
My will is simply not enough
To let me leave
Till I have had much more than enough

Why does the world work this way
Offering a hopeless choice
To someone much too afraid to say
Someone good and kind
Who waits and hopes
Not knowing how dangerous it is to do so
Not knowing at all how easy it is
To take a sharp knife and slit your wrists
To finally let go

I dream of doing this
For days on end
But cowardice trumps reason
And at the end I remain
Broken by treason
My heart is crushed
Not by the world
But by the one who I thought
Loved me the most
Why am I not worth it?
Why am I alone?
I’ve learned to accept it
And exist on my own

I feel the force of the wind in my hair
And the cold winds blowing around me
The freezing calm and deadly storm
This sharp dagger of ice
That threatens to strike
My heart says no my soul says yes
But eventually my soul wins I guess

I let myself think of all the hurt I caused
The pain, the promises never kept
And let the emotions of loneliness and grief
Coupled with self loathing push me in deep

Ignoring the cold I walk inside
Not knowing or caring if I come out alive
Shivering a bit now, though my resolve doesn’t waver
I am enveloped by the storm
Now I become nothing at all