with tears in my eyes

pillow Soaked

in all the lies
of the dreams we once smoked

years of a life that will live on
unknown
in a world once shared
by 2 no mans

plagued by memories of mistakes
i cant Own
plagued by memories of a Lost place
we called home

Seconds lasted
And now they're plastered
Across my mind like my brain was blasted
To a whole new world
To a whole new state
Where energy won't matter
Just our human state

While the world was living
Our world was a prison
But life was a garden
Lit by fluorescent stars
In days spent in cards
My heart had arisen

My mind was empty
But my thoughts were stampeding
The nasty things my body was needing
The dreams my heart kept on bleeding
The acids I saw that my eyes kept on eating
I'd stop them until my soul started leaving
My mouth quoted a bible misleading
The ones who I loved and for I they were breathing
Keeping my cell locked in the garden of eden

I'd known you for life and they pushed me right out
(To be birthed in the world and make a new ground)
just one short touch
Like god coming down my heart began to rush
Your blood flow right thru me

I stuck to old rules so the old didn't rule me
Made a new life
Tailored something to suit me

I'd followed a heretic who painted on walls
Cause babe in the end I'd ruin my life
If you'd be my all

I'm stuck in a heart wood box
I just wish my heart would stop
I got a cute little house
But all the bedrooms are locked

And when the doorbell rang
I always had to explain
The huge ******* flames
That tore the walls from their frames

The housewarming party was popping
Seemed like a good time to stop it
Before the floors all caved in
To the caves below
that were a bit more lived-in

Every night when I go home
Get in bed all alone
Laying down staring up
Wanting to atone
For all my sins
To win again
And begin again
A new life
A new friend

Lights out
Searching for a meaning
Hearts open
But barely beating
Mouths open
Filled with smoke and tongues
Breezes drifting from all our lungs
Lost in those winds
Lost in my mind
Losing everything I once called mine

It's just one bad desicion and a realization to the right, you can't miss it

I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be
Life was great
Well not exceptionally
I could be me
Except it wasnt me
I just refused to see i was bleeding
When it hurt i just stole some ****
And light it up
The fill a cup
With the lie you fed to me
Till I lit it up found the truth
And smoked up all my dreams
I went up in flames
Now I'm searching fame
Want to hear crowds chanting my names
But first I gotta make a name
Cause without it he'll come back
Blame you for all I did
When it wasnt your fault,
I acted like a kid,
A kid grown up
On insane dreams and amphetamines
Cause it gave me ambition
Enough to rule the world
But it left me there wishing
That I knew why
So I could answer my cries
But I knew all along
I would just rather die
Cause the sober dreams were always a lie
But these coked out nights always settled the fights
That I had with me
When I flipped
Changed over
To a whole new guy
Because you got me ****** up
And I feel the need to fly
Cause I already feel like I'm up in the sky
Blacked out so I can spend some time with god
Up in the light
But just for tonight
And let my body flow
Cause now he can vibe
Through life
Through pain
The only one he needs is that sweet *******
Never caring where he goes
But that ****'s not quite right
It's my own **** hide
My *** on the line
Always ready to **** myself
Bent over some dumb ****
So I wont ne smart enough to know I'm not fine
So I'll stretch myself far and wide
So I can blame him for everything I do before I die

I said I'd always care and I meant that, it's the truth even if I ain't right there I've done this all for you, I hate it as I sleep like a bed of nails but instead it's my head resting in a bed of lies cause I said we were done and I stopped feeling your pain but I lied to you so I wouldn't actually see our love wane

******* **** I can't do this anymore this makes me more depressed than I've ever known before but I keep doing it because its mature it demonstrates my ability as a thoughtful lil **** but now I just want to be happy, but not to be happy but feel happy as I let people stab my heart, like reaching for roses through the thorns so maybe I won't, ill back pedal a bit, go back to being a child, then try dumb youthful **** like ***** drugs and dirtier **** because being mature meant growing up, so I skipped a few steps and it makes it feel like **** so lets go back to a time before time became something to go back about, because growing up only makes you mature if you've taken the time to mature as you grow up

Hi im Joe but you don't know what that means
Names seem to fit types, but friendships fit yours and those are the names that stick
And I think we'll be friends but you don't know what that means because its hard to find someone who cares about you not what you do
I miss you and neither of us knows what that means because we just want the opposite of what we have and we haven't had it
And I love you without knowing what my heart means because I just don't want to lose this chance to be yours
Now im in love with you and the way our hearts play but I don't know what that is because I never figured how to make it talk and walk all together
As we fall apart I don't know what it means because even when I was angry I just threw it out to be with you
These fists fly and we don't know what they mean because you only see half of them and we can never feel the others
Goodbye but you don't know what that means because we were friends forever and life is different now, and without us we're missing everything we knew

Our breakup song is long and sweet,
I began writing it before I knew we would ever meet
You say we'll be together forever
But I think we both know that's somehow wrong
I keep myself up wondering how long
You said it yourself,
Its not long till one of us will be gone
And you say I'd get over you
While the world goes on
You've said it so much,
I almost believed it
But when youre gone for the night
I can't believe it
My heart aches for you
And I can't just leave it
So when you say you want to kiss the train
Or taste a bullet going through your brain
I guess we would be together
Because I would die forever

There are two types of suicide
Kinds that nobody sees
A coward's way out
Or a hero's last ride

Like one last high
That feels like the first time
Fixing all their struggles and blights
As they float off into the eternal night

Because the cowards wanted to die all along
Some just picked up a gun right then
Others picked up a ****
And others decided to run

They're told it makes them happy
Because they are fundamentally weak
When they always knew its a poison
That might not work this week

Or those breaking in on lightning
Because there was never reason
For those who begged to please
But were forced up to a heavenly prison

Saving lives gives a meaning
With the moral set on repeat
And you never stop to think
You can't when your always on your feet

So they all give meaning to an empty dull life
Deciding their different methods
Of walking down the scenic route
To a long suicide

When I knew her
She always did too much
she took the time to touch
Whoever's life needed it much
When she was dating him
He never did enough
Until

Don't you               think
     maybe                I could be
  perfectly                 fine
        with                  out
     you                 there
         for            me
            all the  time
              when you
        weren't    there
         before       but
          maybe you're
        trying to
          make          
               up FOR ALL THE SMALL
                     THINGS YOU FORGOT

If you take the time to get inside someone else's mind its hard to mistake what you find with these mistakes because what you did was not ok,
but you are perfect like we all are

If 6 months at red lights means 6 months without you, I'd splinter this car to a thousand pieces, but then it would be no better and I'd still lose you

Someday maybe my heart will be free and these words will float for everyone to see, like smoke from these pine trees

No I'm fine I rarely get sick,
but I'm just a little motion sick from this ride called life around the sun

I wish I could go back and just have fun a little longer,
sit and listen to that song before it felt so somber.
I wish I could go back in and make more friends,
because those good grades don't feel good and don't give these nights ends.

I wish I could go back and talk more,
I enjoyed those nights in the car,
blasting weezer,
with my sister,
but those never really the nights when I needed it,
I just wanted what she had,
but now I'm here and they're calling me mister,
ive grown up just like my sister
but now I know why she liked those sad songs and night time drives

I wish my tongue worked as hard as my heart,
then maybe I'd be there,
living the dream,
maybe I'd still be in his dreams,
but now we don't talk
and we never really did

I laugh instead of crying
because it doesn't hurt again
and again
and if it did I couldn't stand it,
id leave my family and be abandoned,
so I just try live past it,
but its easier said than done
when everyone you know expects a joke,
and youre stuck inside your head,
when you realize your the joke
because you made your friends who don't hate it
but youre locked in tight to a happy little joke
because none of them want to play with a broken boy
who will never quite make it

I'm deep but no one knows
they never stay the night,
when darkness surrounds
to dissolve the shrouds
I put up so my mom could be proud to have a
happy normal kid
because its no fun to be with someone who's
dragging you down

5 million different people all with the same name,
we all want to be different,
but how can we when we're fundamentally the same,
and everyone tries to stand out,
but its seen as insane
all our lives are still in vain, because there's 7 billion more,
and to come up in first
you'd have to do something real insane

I had a book
Full of all my tears and fears,
but she got up
leaving the tears but
she took the filling from my heart

Sometimes im writing lines
To get her out of my head
Other times
Im doing lines
Instead

If I was a snowman built round and tall
I hope you'd play with me
There's not much I could do all in all
Would I know myself?
Or would I care?
In the end I just hope you can be there
But beware
My love is cold and never really there
So when we warm up and I disappear
I hope you still care to keep my hat and my charcoal
And save it to do it again next year
But not to resurrect me, but to build something better in my memory

A life is meaningful
whether or not it has meaning
But does it really have an effect,
Or are our weapons just competing
With bows or barretts to carry on your tour
These days life is easy to live
Living is easy to enjoy
We send our thoughts across connections that used to be torn
But now you type in dotcom and you can get free ****
you could give money to a kid with leukemia to help his family mourn
you could find that perfect gift for your mom
If you take the time you can home make bombs
All found on BuyItDotCom
But back in BC you just had your bow
you might be able to eat, you never knew for sure
there wasn't a world to see
you were living in yours
and if you ever got sick, you better be ready die off and pass on quick

Nowadays it would never even click how some people died without knowing other *****
You could go out on your own and ditch the passers-by
And never feel bad because they have a car
Its harder to die, we have penicillin
Its easier to live ever since we got better at killing
And everyone's better at killing
Because now online anyone can take the time to make a bomb and cross the world in their car to hand deliver a nasty scar to people's lives and humanity

Drugs change levels and amounts of neurotransmitters giving an altered mental state.
Sometimes the brain evens out the drug induced imbalances.
This simple imbalance can lead to addiction so overall levels stay normal.


Drugs will ******* up.

But maybe we were just ****** up to start with.
Life is ****,
that's why we need a change
a different backdrop that's not so mundane
because it feels like im trapped inside a pit
being teased and tormented by overlooking ******
and this pit is more like a rut
(im stuck now,
but i shouldn't give up)
or i could get high
up past those seen in the large pit's small sky

into a different world
Where i can  laugh  and  sing  and  eat  and  still cling to the broken love and heart

My Faith makes me try to get by
Even when I wish I could die
Because I love her

I have Faith that she loves me
It seems I found life's great key
In things she hardly knew were

She hates the things that I do
Even though they taught me too
And that's the reason I am

The things I've done are stupid
But they made me wise
The drugs are seen as an escape
But they're their own disguise
And when the darkness stuck like tape
I survived because of cupid's
Faith and Faith told me to

These feelings were interchangeable
For guy after girl who came
Like some old Faith, legend, or fable
But I write her in with my love
Because she taught me more than the drugs
She taught me to love and care and laugh and swear
She gave me hope and reason,
For the first time from a person
And she gave me
Faith in myself,
Faith in another person,
Faith in a long happy life,
And most of all
I have Faith herself
She's in my arms and on my lips
I love her art, and her hips
I know she filled my broken heart
So yeah I guess you're right
Faith really is the most important part

You somehow make me deeper than I ever intended, turning my puddle of a mind into a trench that could never be mended, but when you're gone, my heart turns to lead, and you drag me down instead

Maybe we're all just god putting ourself through hells to find something better and new, and I guess I found you

In that moment I didn't feel
I knew I was an arms length from death
I never feared or drew it near
No closer to my breath
But now it seems so sweet
Sometimes wishing that the gun had rubbed my teeth

Hi im Joe but you don't know what that means
Names seem to fit types, but friendships fit yours and those are the names that stick
I think we'll be friends but you don't know what that means because you never knew someone who cares about you not what you do
I miss you and neither of us knows what that means because we just want the opposite of what we have but we haven't had it
And I love you without knowing what my heart means because I just don't want to lose this chance to be yours
Now im in love with you and the way our hearts play but I don't know what that is because I never figured how to make it talk and walk all at the same time
As we fall apart I don't know what it means because even when I was angry I just threw it out to be with you
These fists fly and we don't know what they mean because you only see half of them and we'll never know the others
Goodbye but you don't know what that means because we were friends forever and life is different now, and without us we're missing everything we knew

Every day I need her more,
but she doesn't know because no-one ever told her so
So few appreciate all of her,
they hardly really need her,
though she's the nicotine and morphine I need,
ruining my heart from this constant racing,
and now in my life I'm fearless and strong
because she's getting me high,
telling me to go on,
but when she stops,
I'll need a jump start or
I'll jump down in my mind,
falling from her skies,
to the bottom of my mind,
landing like a saint to hell
(in a street) every morning,
with the ladder of smoke
on the fire escape up,
promising a better life,
and I'll believe it because she used to do it for me,
and something so beautiful

could never be that wrong

Nothing perplexes my mind,
except the nighttime ceiling
that has nothing but darkness in the unknown,
and in my dreams it has my mind painted up there,
beautiful like the stars through all of time,
and I always wish my dreams would come true

but they never do,
and this would be the exception,
to have my brains coating the wall,
but I can't because they showed me the one thing I could never do is paint

Here I wait and hesitate,
maybe I should do something,
change something,
destroy something
Something everyone hates,

but its so ****** late
and nothing will quite compensate
for what I've done to **** me into this self hate
so here I wait,
and hesitate

When I think of you I see the stars,
But,
When I think of us,
I only see the spaces in between

When I was young, I said I'd do right, grow up, be a patriot and never let anyone die by my side.
I told myself I couldn't be there when the metals meet the bones, but the more i see, the less I become like that boy who always wanted home, but I still sit there, seeing my brothers die, just far enough to only be able to ask why, when half your friends are going through war and the others are enlisting, wishing to do more, but the ones who don't just ignore the issue behind their closed doors calling it weakness and fear because they never even had to taste that same painful tear that burns like acid and tears a heart apart

Maybe if you saw my brain,
you wouldn't love me as much,
because I know we've been in vain,
and it'll just end with more and more pain
because someday ill get bored and
I usually just begin to play with people's hearts,
never really caring how hard it is to go on living when
someone real close has rigged the cards

At night I dream of what could be.

So I try.
But it always goes over better in my head. Because I didn't try,

I never tried,
and so the dream is dead.

I cried at the end of life,
when the curtains all came

down,
it seemed as though that was the end of all their strife,
but the cast threw their party, but it was just a little off,
and they all left a little emptier inside,
not better off
because they were all just acting
even when the pain was real,
but the curtains are gone
and so were their hearts,
and that was finally something real