I am tired of trying
To find the right words
In a lifetime spent
Suffering in silence

Most days
My energy is spent
Entirely
On putting one thought
In front of the other
So I don't stumble
Over my words
As much as I do
Choke on them

Started over again
Re-learned my sums
Until I could stand
Over the faucet
And count my blessings
Again

Children play with no shoes on
As locals drink coffee
At the daytime bar
They let me sit at their table
Eat their food

Fall passive and glum
Amongst their easy conversation

I learned to be clean again
It started with the dishes
My clothes
Then at a snail's pace
***** and cigarettes followed

Soon sleep was no enemy
I greeted it like a friend
With the aid of her weight
Across the mattress
Her breath

That filled the silence
Of the room
Started over again
Rolled away the stone
To let the light back in

Sometimes I go into the city at night
alone.
Let the pavement trace the way without breaks,
get lost under the blue lights.
I go to the places we used to
and sometimes get a little drunk –
I don’t want to remember
but I have gravitated to these places
so maybe I should just honour
my cravings for you –
the sickly-sweet syrup
of your spit,
the saffron, sticky honey of your eyes.
We used to
do the same
together
as I am now doing alone –
let the concrete slabs
pave the way
without breaks;
going nowhere
and everywhere
all at once.

I took the easy way out
Over and over
Again

She used to sell
Counterfeit t-shirts
By the roadside
To all the tourists
Pulling up in Tuk Tuks
And motorbike taxis

In the evening
She would cook
Pork rib soup
With a side of
Fresh vegetables
And fried rice

We would take it in turns
To pick songs
And fill each other's drinks
As I washed the dishes
She would close the curtains
And turn the lights off

She always found me
In the dark
She felt new everyday
She could make me hard
Or break me into pieces
Just as easy

She was a nightmare
To live with
And so was I
Countless nights
Staring at opposite walls
In a violent silence

Only to wake
In a bed of hot ***
And no regret
She taught me how to live
She never said
What I should do

Once she's gone

These country songs aren't enough
Neither are these hopeless drags of the cigarette
All these dreams of impassioned meaningless ***
Ribboned with the beauty of desire
With none of the fragility

These TV shows aren't enough
To distract from the ******* sinkhole
Of divisionary politics
And the hit and miss attempt
At barely living

These neon lights aren't enough
To guide me anywhere
But they are all I see in the dark
All these shadows to explore
In the absence of light feeling

These promises aren't enough
To keep me anchored in the world
I don't want to be anything
I don't want to get paid
I don't want to save up

Or settle down
These offerings aren't enough
To keep me keeping on
They are the sign-posts, the sirens
That speak only of scarcity

Who only settle their hunger
When I am lost.