I really dont know: will be the title of this post poem will last words epitaph farewell whatever I can't be bothered

Because: I really don't.
Well, for one how, when, why... Or why not
I'm just tired, really really tired..

I don't know why I write
Or what I'd want to say
I can't decipher the feelings
My actions try to convey

I look towards the sky for answers
At night I silently pray
For love, for hope, for reassurances
For salvation...

Heal me, **** me
Wield me like the sword
That has yet to cut open
My overflowing veins
Pulsating to the rhythm
Of my pain
Or the rain
Pouring down my face
Knocking on my windowsill
Begging to be let in

No. Not now...
I can't be now.
Ivejuststtdtryin
Now this
Forreal...I'm not ready to quit
But I'm just too tired...

Lost in an ocean of oblivion
No punctuation
да, нет, что ебать
Sawdmkidroffglibwdble
Words are worms that crawl
Beneath my hands scrawl
Meaning found in places
Aces and empty spaces
You can't begin to envision
My illusions the manipulation
Built on intricate delusions
Could I be awake in sleep
Awake in my sweet
Hallucinations

You set are me up for failure
You made me cry in bed;
Loved me with your anger
Torn my heart to shreds.

Hiding away my broken pieces
They fell for the lies I said;
As I learnt of comfort in syringes
And illegal prescription pads.

I became a complete stranger
A vile monstrous object;
Lost in this strange creature
My mind no longer intact.

You've hurt me way deeper
Than I've ever slept;
Still struggling to trust people
Losing count of secrets I kept.

I'll crawl under the covers
When alone and scared.
Now I've seen the monster
Living inside my head.

Why am I missing
When I am here.
Who is this person I see
Standing in my place

finding I often ask myself,
or whoever you are...
who am I..?? where am I..??
what have I become..??

Can someone answer me,
Answer he, she, this entity.
my only constant question...
where have I gone?

How did this happen to me..??
What's that you said?
Wait, you, me, who
I could be you if you are me.

when will this end..??
What's happening now..
Whoever up there,
is there anyone...

for what sins I've done,
all that is wrong of me;
will you forgive me
answer my plea and...

Please let me go.
Let me know

The darkness behind our eyes
Malice within our souls
The rebellion our menace
The prison we locked ourselves in
A cage we built to trap our wild hearts
Treading the fine line between
Normalcy and psychopathy
Vengeance, violence and brutality
All that we've masked in our grace
Hiding beneath our placid demeanor
Gentle breaths tender caresses
Soft lips whispering sweet nothings
Our words carefully scripted
Depicting a picture of purity and perfection
False sincerity reaching out to others
Only to burn all that we lay our hands upon
Malingering through days
Sugar laced actions and innocent smiles
Life is but a masquerade
As we dance or days away

I have to get up, go out...
Get out, no more hiding,
Go back to your pretense of a life.
you have homework,
That project and school...
I'm too tired.. I can't keep going,
Can't keep up with this charade...
I'm so scared, sad or afraid...
All this is so much... too much...
Yet not enough, never enough.
Medical appointment on Wednesday...
I don't wanna go... Don't wanna move,
I don't ever wanna leave this room...
Lock me in here... Away from the world,
Hide me, imprison me, I'll be safe...
I don't need food... No water...
Just me and my demons, my friends..
I'll just lie here waiting...
They will be back to take me,
When I'm ready.. When I've wasted away.
I'll be okay, no, better than okay...
I'll sleep and wait and it'll be okay...
Everything will be okay... If you just,
Let me sleep in here Forever...

We never got to see the place they told us could be ours.
Till this very day, arms sore and feet calloused
I reap no harvest, no achievement, just a huge world, a insignificant wanderer
Even when I slip there's no choice for me but to stand once again
Not tall or proud,  nothing majestic, just barely balancing
Walking a tightrope with my heart on the line,  doubts crowding my mind and my sanity under
Well, they used to say the world could be ours
They said if we worked hard enough
"The reward would be nothing short of splendor and grandiose! Trust us! "
They doled out with those words and such confidence, our naivete led us to believe
Led us into our own labyrinth of madness
Darkness ascended without a warning,
Without a sound, no warnings, no sirens
We had no where to run, no where to hide
It was worst than hurricane Katrina
Worst than the ruins carved out by lava
A natural disaster doesn't even to begin to cover what this could be
Its a catastrophic apocalyptic tragedy that words couldn't begin to explain

Large orbs spinning around us
Doing triple and quadruple pirouettes
Withholding a power of such magnitude
We couldn't begin to envision
The dark clouds obscuring our vision
Preventing us from seeing through this mist
Past the rainy clouds and dark ages
Pieces of the past that were misplaced
Like a deck of shuffled tarot cards in my mind
Blocking us from looking towards the future
A place we didn't know existed
We sat uneasy and silent like lost ghosts
Beneath prison walls built by our very own hands
Curious lights hiding behind glass eyes
Glowing a painful sort of unseen ray
Spewing words unknown to man kind
Whispering secrets lost to our ears and humanity
Burning holes through my eyelids
Casting shadows on my battered heart
Cursing wailing begging for exile
From this physical form of fear and terror
Such are the things we look at
But not see for we dare not acknowledge
Despite their ever prominent presence

The thought of food alone
Sends a shiver through me
My inability to fathom
How such compost could be fuel
The sight of people eating
Makes my stomach grow weak
Filling me with nausea
A hollow sort of ache in my chest
My heart pounding in my ears
Cold sweat trickling down my back
Feeble bones aching for rest

****** child
It's time you grew up
Make that banal choice
You could be a *****
**** them wrinkled *****
Or be a ******* man
Welcome to the real world
Be it a fever be it cancer
No one gives a ****

This is life

The silence ringing in my ears
Pleas from my silicone heart
An empty shell acting as a machine
Holding too many responsibilities
Too much for her to bare
Resulting in countless errors
Systems malfunctioning
I just want to be loved
To be held in your arms
To have you ruffle my hair
Tell me everything will be better
What's wrong with being a child

They said that truth will set you free
It did indeed set free my fears
Set free my sorrows and my tears
The truth became my barricade
Set up a fort inside my head
Walls of Iron and Titanium
Pillars of secrets and ghastly creatures
Protecting my monsters from escape
A safehouse from the outside world

Worry not my friend,
I am fine, It's not a lie;

I know I don't look great.

I might have been
A little bruised.

But it is all superficial.

Just a few scratches here
And some scars there.

Nothing that cannot heal.

The puddle of tears
My wane smile.

Oh, that's just the allergies.

Tis the season to be dying
Not too jolly are the lines I'm writing
The hymns mimic my weeping soul
A tune strung with a broken bow

Frail lullabies drenched in sorrow
Wilting with the fading greens
We inhale clouds of dusty air
Cold and fragile as my spine

Tingling numbness in my heart
Like frost bites from within
The finale of an orchestra
An epilogue of sorts

Wintry hails in my disturbed mind
Raining like misfired bullets
From a shoddy gun
Burning letters into my hands

The poetry I craft not pretty
Lacking tales of sugarcoated reality
Mostly **** and somewhat edgy
Infused with truth and too much realitys

On nights that sleep won't come
Even when we call it's name
Singing it's praise in our prayers
Begging like basking street performers
Desperate as a drenched sparrow

Caught in a rain of my own
Trickling dark red drops of mildew
Down my weary shoulders
Cradling my sallow face
Clouding my blurred vision

These nights hang low like dampened skies
Hollow storms filled with empty thunders
Draughts wearing a wet cloak
Pretending to be an upcoming rain
Steered by gales of Arctic wind

Piercing through my decrepit bones
Dropping pins and needles under my skin
The pain coursing through my veins
As bright as the paint staining my fingertips
Dripping destitute and distraught

Devastating images drowned my mind
In visions of broken vessels
Sunken ships and battered corpses
Wearing broken sails like a second skin
Boiling blood that has turned cold
As waters of the Antarctic ocean

A sharp chill seeping into my bones
Awakening the energy and power
That have laid dormant for decades
A sign that I am beginning to change
Becoming something different
Something better than this
A higher being of a kind
Of those that rest above the rest
On uncharted territory
Those placid silent doorways
Opening up to hidden dimensions
Parallel universes where all is perfect
My passion spills into rays of hope
Like the sun's warm glow
Reaching out to touch each of it's children
The tormented cries in my head not theirs
But my souls desire to return to it's home
Not the place etched in my ID card
But the motherland and source of all life
A place so sacred we had to leave behind
Hiding away it's immense strength and power
From the destruction mankind bring
Slung over their shoulders like an arrow
Their shields made of hatred and anger
The energy surges through me
Like a blazing forest fire
Melting away globues of fats
Layers of charred skin and flesh
The whole nauseating charade of disguise
I am becoming immortal

Do you love me the way I am
Do you love me for me
Or do you only love me when I'm tamed
Like a beast in hibernation

Are we only ever going to live like this
The light in my eyes no longer shinning
Feelings becoming blunt
Diluted by all those medications

Do you not miss the times
When our love was a wildfire
We burned everything in our way
Our flames never faltered

Going to the beach unprepared
We still stripped off our clothes
Throwing ourselves out into the sea
Free as a eagle soaring through the skies

Holding hands and shivering
In wet clothes and soaking undergarments
We burnt stronger than the cold
As we board the train home together

That was the beauty in love
The true beauty of life
That pack of restraint
The freedom of insanity

I'm not trying to disappoint you
Just choosing to be freed
Like a bird can't fly with twigs in it's wings
I will burn as bright as yesterday

Waking up into the world
Foul words burn holes in my ears
Truths so raw they rot my young flesh
The instant they leave your lips
Kisses of death and decay
A power play that never ends
My personal hells undying fire
Pulverizing my mortal soul
Crazed thoughts meander in my head
I make my own meals
Milk and crunchy glass shards
Topped with freshly ground chillies
What a tantalizing trinity
The perfect homemade breakfast
To accompany our charming little pad
Savour our eclectic interior
Forget the artfully bloodied rooms
Someone's stiffened liver in our dining
Torn muscles stashed in a corner
A punctured heart in the kitchen sink
Some ground up bones in pepper shakers
Fractured ribs on my study desk
The brain sitting on the couch
Our latest wallpaper from centuries ago
News of our deaths on the headlines
Your acidic kindness
A raptured spleen in your bed
I belief that belongs to me
I'd give anything for your brutal love

The colors coating my eyes
Are monochromatic
Melancholic
Shades of black and white
The stark contrasts
A sharp glare in my bleak world
Vision filled with terror
Images of forgotten memories
Cast aside for fear of pain
Of the horrer it brings
Through days and nights
They tainted my sight
Haunting my ghost
Vengeful spirits lost in limbo

The sun is forever shining
Calling out to us
To listen to the secrets of the universe
Receive his all knowing light
Within an unforgiving glare
Blazing fire that burns to the touch
We remain adamant
That the truth is only what we know
Only the facts and numbers
But to know if anything at all
We need to understand
To banish the idea
That truth is just about numbers
Fractions facts and statements
Truth is what the universe has to offer
That we blatantly deny our next generations
The truth is creation and imagination
Intensity and insanity

Despite all we've been through
You still believe the lies
The figmented truth they sell us
In neatly folded towels
Ironed sheets and fresh linen
Tempting us with home
A seemingly harmless word
Dragging us under
Sinking us deep
Those words held memories
Drilled into our bones
Buried in the recesses of hearts
While we wander the streets
Clutching to our rags
Nursing broken dreams
Scampering like mice in the night
Tugging at loose ends
On the pieces of frayed cloth
For the unspoken promises
The light at the end of the tunnel
The reward from the journey
You didn't believe me
When I said survival is for the fittest
But you have seen for yourself
There are no such things as miracles

Crisp linen sheets
Like the Autumn leaves
Broken twigs
Like broken wings
Of a bird or a butterfly
Perhaps mine

We are all puppets
Manipulated by our minds
Caricatures of our true selves
We live
Like comic book characters
Actresses and actors

The words and pictures
Evidence of our existence
But mine is a child's diary
The unruly handwriting
Stick figures and paper planes
Fairy tales and day dreams

All too soon
They will be forgotten

A brewing storm
The chemicals in my kitchen
Overflowing from the ***
Emotions cascading into each other
Lapping against my skull
Washing me out
Sweeping me under
An urgent heart beating
Tugging on this frayed reality
Tearing down the walls
A silent cry for help
I suffocate in my own skin

The barren hall echoes
When my heavy feet falls
Knuckles stained white
From the dust on the walls
Silence was never louder
Than this endless void
Not a single strain of light
Running through the darkness
Only clouds of dirt
Swept up by my wake
My veins run green and blue
Below my battered skin
My limbs are black and blue
From my endless abuse
The misuse of power
Over my clueless ghost

The need of a feeling
The craving of peace

Silence.

A secret little world
Of your own creation,
Two silent doors
Clicking together
Locking you behind

A painful drop of red
Residue on your knife,
Ocean blue lines
Behind a too tight rope
Around your neck

In your head
The shrill cry of demons

Fooling around
Tearing down structures
That made up your world
Leaving you lost

Broken like the river
When you sunk beneath
In search of a little love
In search of a little peace

I keep trying,
Trying so hard only to fail.

I failed academics
I failed love
I failed life.

I keep trying,
Trying so hard only to break.

Breaking promises
Breaking hearts
Breaking us.

I keep trying,
Trying so hard to hold on.

Hold on to reality
Hold on to love
Hold on to life.

I keep Failing, Breaking, Falling
Holding onto broken pieces,
Cutting myself again and again.

Catchy phrases
Sketchy places
People passing through
The same tunnel
I sit in my bubble

Coursing through my veins
Not blood but sadness
An unknown substance
So bleak and strong
It cannot be tamed

I become less
Smoke in an empty shell
Down lower than sorrow
Embracing the pain
Weeping for tomorrow

I'm losing sight of the time,
Of the difference in life and fiction.
Losing days at my prime,
Nowhere near my prediction.
Confusing what I think
With the things I've been.
I can no longer see the shore,
No lights, a thick current, no oar.
I'm being swept away
Floating along with the forgotten.
You can feed me with food,
Smother me with love and attention.
But you can never find a teardrop
That has been lost in the ocean.

When I see your brooding face
A faint tint of sweat under your shirt
The hint of sleep lingering
Faking that I didn't remember you

Swearing I don't know you
Fingers crossed wishing it was true
Memories packed into forgotten boxes
Too dusty to unfold their rotting edges

Constant thoughts and dreams
Hidden truths of the past
Leaving a massacre in it's wake
A hurricane of forgotten things

For all that we have thrown away
A untended wound weeping pus
A river of red rubies
Coating the shiny linoleum floor

You can try to fix me,

I Dare you!

But there is nothing from the past
That you can undo,
There is nothing I can re-live
Or redo.

There is Nothing we can forget.

There are only the Flashbacks
Residual memories,
Fighting to get out despite
The torment.

Pain  ...   ...
                            
                            [fea­r]

  ||  A  ||  X  ||  I  ||  E  ||  T  ||  Y  ||



           ­                                     Loneliness...





¶¶¶ Depression

Replaying like a broken track
A warped Melody.

Once upon a time
When you were out drinking away,
Minutes of your life;
I was up in the horizon
In the skies where all hate disperses,
Dreaming of paradise
In the soft glow of candles,
Blown on a birthday.
Celebrated by one
When everyone is gone,
The cake half it's size
While I am too full and half gone.
I watched a girl
In the mirror,
Singing a birthday song for me.

Twinkle twinkle little glass
How fast can you make time pass
Soaring with us up so high
Tinting our lips red like fire
Twinkle twinkle little glass
Fall and you shall turn to dust

Carelessly sprinkled glass shards
Coating the ground like stardust,
Ablaze under the golden sun
Crisp as grass under bare feet,
Cutting through skin with ease
Like a crystal catching light.
Glowing in it's glory
A harvest of crimson.

Pain-

It isn't always a thorn in your feet,
Or the throbbing ache from an overused mind,
Nursing a starved heart.

Fear-

It isn't the Boogeyman in your closet,
Or the silence left behind by a slam of the door,
With his parting words.

Sadness-

It isn't crying into your pillow at night,
Or the broken pieces of a family photo,
Shattered on the floor.

Pain is invisible.
Fear is amiable,
Sadness is insatiable.

Things are getting messy...
He's upset
    I can't tell why
        He's losing sleep
            I start to question
Is it my fault
     I start feeling afraid
           Feeling so lost and alone
     What is happening
Why am I feeling this way
               When did he start to change
          Where did I go wrong
     What have I done
Why is this happening
          I                    feel
                     L O    s    T
        My mind is
                        FRa CtUR eD
bury me
buury me under
ten feet under the ground
SUFFOCATE ME
                                                         *let me die

They might hate me.

But I realized
Somethings they said,
It is true.

All my stories don't tally,
Nothing really adds up.

The lines have begin
Blurring themselves;
Burrowing themselves
Into one another.

I can't remember,
Can't seem to recall
What's false what's real.

I don't know why
Or what I'm trying to run from;
What deep dark things
Reside in my mind.

I do not understand,
Why do I have to feel this way
All the time.

I don't wanna live like this anymore
Constantly losing myself in fear
I am slowly becoming paranoid
That I'm losing someone else...

I say I still love you
Though I love you not

I wanted you to stay
Yet I hated every moment

I tried so hard to build beauty
Heeding all your flawed instructions

Trying too hard to be perfect
Not an inkling that I'm destroying it

Not seeing perfection
Even with it right in front of me

It's not the kind of sadness which makes you want to cry all the time,
But the kind of sadness that overwhelms your senses so much,
You began to question your sanity
You lost touch with all your emotions.

Venlafaxine in the day
A little white pill,
Promising you no more break downs.

Sertraline in the evening
Two little blue pills,
Selling you dopamine and fake smiles.

Quetiapine in the night
Three little pink pills,
Swearing that you'll be in control.

Those lies they feed you
False hope sold in crazy little pills,
I still clutch the bottle of gas
Dreaming of normalcy,
Cradling a razor blade on broken skin
I smile like a fool.

I left my body screaming,
Every time I fall
In and out of love.
Fear never really stopping me
Repeating my mistakes,
Like a broken medley..

I'm so confused
What is the truth
Why are people blinded by their scars
Why do we hide behind our past
Denying each situation
Hiding in the lies our past told
Leaving the pain to mark our present
Why does hatred run so deep
We can't find it to forgive
Even the dearest of kin
What is the meaning
Of life on the darkness
What is the reason to live on
When it's still yesterday

I thought coming here would magically change me
I always get it wrong
Sometimes what hurts isn't something you can remove
Sometimes I regret
Realizing nothing would ever change what's inside me
Reality got my tongue
We are fallen trees caught in a tornado wreaking havoc
We just want normalcy
Everyday becomes a living nightmare laced with pain
Every breathe a fight
Will I be locked up in this emotional turmoil eternally
Will I ever be free

There are no stars in the night sky today
On days like this u wonder if you are there
Maybe without that's why I can't find them
Were you like those hidden stars in the dark sky
Is that why we don't connect on days like this
Where have you gone when you hide away
When I look up and realise the sky's empty
I think maybe that's why you're not there too

The street lights were so bright
I couldn't find my star anymore
Under those artificial lights
I fell into the embrace of darkness
Dreaming of a time you found me
Dancing alone to the music
Those lyrics only heard in my ears
You walked away not looking back