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Your beautiful heart has a tiny little hole
Goin’ b’bap-bim-boom boom-bap...b’bap
The mitral-valve-prolapsed leaky little hole
It goes ba-***-bap, bitty-bap, rat-ta tat tat

Instead of the traditional ba-dum, ba-dum
And aside from the fact that I like the beat
There’s another reason, baby, I like you, (yum)
Why I lay myself down at your ivory feet

It’s not because your heart sound like a drum
Or the fact your soul shines bright and true
It’s not just the *** tuh-tum tum tum
...It’s because I have a hole in my heart too

Maybe you’re mistaken
       when you think about what’s out there,
You attribute ev’ry stimulus
       to winged things from books,

Mistaking accidental circumstances
       for essential causes,
There isn’t really anything
       that God conveys with looks.

Perhaps it is hard to face the truth:
       we’re just meat bags with will,
Which slowly rot away until
       the day when we’re forgotten

Needlessly dissecting
       every move and every inner thought,
Attempting to discover
       what makes us all so very rotten.

Take a deep breath
And hold it in
Until you feel it all
...Fading away

Slowly toward death
All of us fall
Someday we’ll feel it all
...Fading away

Through my goat mouth, it’s true,
       you can hear me bleating,
Like a little lamb who’s lambier
       than lamby-lambs can be,

But yes in fact it’s bike tires,
       and tin cans that I’m eating,
And I feel my goat heart beating
       and... I want to flee.

At times I’ve believed it

And at other times, scoffed,

One of the oldest of pivotal fears,

Mentioned in scripture and stories and hymns,

The execration is stinging my ears.

And throbbing, echoing, clashing rhythms,

With no beat ...such tension… Distortion’s risings,


A march over mazurka decelerating,

Curious uses for curious things,

Intestinal-pullings, intestinal strings,


Every warping conceived by my kind,

Like tearing of flesh and torture of mind,

Nothing that’s wholesome, nothing that’s good,

The truth bent, the opening crude,

The too-thin passageway out, understood

And my own rotting flesh is my food.

~

Vast...
Nigh unknowable
Quilt stretching out over incalculable
  intervals and distances…
Pulling. Churning.
Alternating between different frames
  of reference
Spinning me nauseas


Look at our local surroundings
Such activity above!
Mere minutes before the untrained eye
Takes notice of
The movers,
Slowly wandering across the speckled expanse


The fire has receded into its undulating
  orange-gray hideout
The satellites are so numerous now…
And the red-orange glow illumines
  your cheek, your neck, and your
  flyaway hair.
A distant owl
A dog’s hollow cry rings out echoing
  off of the hill
Sending this gang into high alert

And there is nothing
More to say about it
But I could go on all day

I hold a picture
With your face upon it
And that's my means to get away

I can't offer you
The things that he can offer
There is no tranquility

But there is one thing
That you can be sure of
You can always come to me

And we can fly around the sun  
And we can...
And we can travel to the other galaxies
A supernova passes by
And we can...
And we can stop and see the
Sun
     ...flowers
The sun
     ...flowers
The sunflowers that we see


You bet your life
I would not trade one night
Or day we had together, you and I

And when it seems
As though we're in for nasty weather
We'll take shelter from the sky

But I can't offer you
The things that he can offer
There is no tranquility

But there is one thing
That you can be sure of
You can fly away with me

And we can fly around the sun
And we can...
And we can travel to the other galaxies
A supernova passes by
And we can...
And we can stop and see the
Sun
     ...flowers
The sun
     ...flowers
The sunflowers that we see

Spinning and spinning
Six little circles
Flushing a life down the drain

Naught but a smidgen of straining, my pidgeon,
A blurr to the vision, euphoric, no pain    

My brain,
Will just shut down
I’ll get
Out of this town
The rain
Gonna pour down and wash me away

Whirling and twirling
My heart in the middle
Graphing the pathway to get the right spin
Crisp calculation, the subtle equation
Causing elation, at last cashing-in

Your brain,
Will just shut down
You'll get
Out of this town
The rain
Gonna pour down and wash you away
  
You must be THIS tall to ride this ride
It’s your human RIGHT to a nice
     suicide
This celestial plane, ...and all of it’s
     strife
We can help you jump past it,
It’s YOUR ******* life!
It’s all in your hands.
You know what to do.
Now is the time
To become the late YOU

Your brain
Will just shut down
You'll get
Out of this town
The rain
Gonna pour down and wash you away
  

My paradigm’s shifting
The veil is lifting
What was I thinking
My heart rate is sinking
And something is stinking
My consciousness shrinking
And what is that ringing
Do I hear choirs singing?
-
Julijonas
Fancy yourself the angel-reaper?
Julijonas Urbonas
Aren't you your brother’s keeper?

Is this just a "what-if", ...for fun?

O Julijonas
Julijonas Urbonas

…What have you done?

Oh ache I ache
Look at my aim
My ache is the answer
Block that shame

Father that baby
Baby that father
Shame your brother
Blubber and bother

Bother that blubber
Sober, I slobber
Clobber that slobber
Aim to smother my lover

With harangues to the beat
That will bloom in this box
I harangue till the end
Blooms ends with tick tocks

My sweet lady, I’m off kilter,
Wooed by all your lovely charms,
Here’s some maca for your philter,
Need to have you in my arms

Want your loving legs around me,
Want your loving arms as well,
Have to say your curves astound me,
Got to make your sailor swell,

Want to voyage through your straits,
Lovely portal made of jade,
Let my tongue throw wide the gates,
And let the choicest love be made

Let me sing you lovely music,
Let me try to make you swoon,
Here’s my flesh (O please abuse it!),
While my eyes reflect the moon

Lover laughing lovely there,
Behind your smiling eyes so deep,
In my mental pictures fair,
Close my eyes to try to keep,

Each new moment we’re entwined,
For each one seems to top the last,
Hold me close and expand my mind,
Draw me near, and hold me fast

We're never
    happy
        with what
            we’ve got

We can
    pretend
        that we are
            but we’re not

Our narcissism
    knows
        no
            bound

And Echo
    follows
        every
            sound
...        ...        ...        ...        ..­.       ...        ...
(The sound of  glass shattering...
followed by footsteps padding along the forest floor...)
[Narcissus is running with the fairest Echo giving chase. She catches him...]

"But you always did such good!"
        Only 'cause I knew I should

"But you always gaze so lovingly at me!"
         Because in you, myself I see

"But you give to the needy, twenty-four seven!"
        I'm simply storing up my
        treasures in heaven

"And all of those spiritual teachings you mention?"
        That's just so I am the center of
        attention
...        ...        ...        ...        ..­.        ...        ...

Someone slams your precious art
Remain Open
Callously pokes and prods your heart
Remain Open
The world wants you to close the door
Remain Open
Wants you curled up on the floor
*Remain Open

Nordri, Sudri, Austri and Vestri

Jumped right off of the castle tapestry

Lithely they run to the cardinals post haste

And cannot regroup or the dragons they’ve chased



Would hem in the map again, like long ago

When the world’s termination at mount, cliff, or snow

Would imprison folks fearful of fathoms in fright

And torture the thoughts of the children at night




Our heroes hold up the corners of sky

They've all said hello, and politely, goodbye

To a remnant who seek to look outside their square

Compelled by their heartbeats and chilled foreign air



There may be dragons outside of this dome,

But we shall slay them! And leave hearth and home

To illumine the darkness and know our own worth

To fulfill what's been destined for all since our birth.

You should create
Write something down
Sing something out
Paint something golden

Make a new thing
Take hold of your voice
Or unique way of seeing
Your impulses, bolden

Your ideas are butterflies
That want to be caught
Grab your idea net!
Do what you ought!

Share with the world
Before they fly away
(If you wait too long,
they may fly away)

So what, you think it's already been done?
"Nothing is new under the sun"...
That may (or may not?) be truly true,
But no one has done it EXACTLY like you

I fall gently and surely, like dandelion fluff,
Stuffing my face, lungs, and veins with that junk,
Funky, fat freak, I, want to transform,
Normalcy ***** so I'm packing my trunk.

That shear inevitability though,
Flow of time guarantees multiple falls,
Calls to mind fresh bright blood spilled on snow,
O who would know snow?  I'm up to my *****...!

The joints are beginning to sear and fry
My seasonal torpor is at its peak
Seeking now a warm word, and smiling eyes,
Sigh, for the sun sets, and smothers the meek.

She has chains
Around her chest
Slowly tightening
Give her rest

She’s in danger
Every day
She can’t continue to
Work this way

She’s saving lives
And skirting death
Ushers joy
Or one’s last breath

This blight has taken
A toll on her
On ALL of us
It has, for sure

But on the caregivers
So much worse
On every doctor
Every nurse

You, dear, my life, and my true love forever
Hold keys to bonds that none other can sever
You are: reason to wed, or even to die,
The laugh in my belly, the tear in my eye,
The one single being who knows me, all through.
And all of my love, dear, is due only you

When first I encountered your radiant charms,
I knew I must hold you, my love, in my arms
And never relinquish this perfect embrace!
‘Lest I should miss kissing your smile and your face,
And then could I give of my self nevermore.
All other loves lack, save the one I adore.

My foresight and function dulls daily, my bride,
And fails, for your beauty should oft’ be descried,
And my lips fail to offer the reverent speech
This lack, bind it up, Oh, my God, I beseech!
But there is the rub, for although I don’t say-
I still feel a thrill when we’re still; when we play…

This heart is still filled when you come home, my Love.
Each day, it’s made clear, I should praise God above
For granting me someone whose soul matches mine,
Whose embrace is holy, whose kiss is divine,
This Love we have found, all other loves seek! -
The lovers of old and the Poet’s mystique

And now that our love is begetting new souls,
I thrill at the thought!  And I cherish our roles!
The glint in your eyes, it unveils motherhood,
Your tenderness shows and your love’s understood,
Our future envisioned, joy fills my whole being!
Passion for you trumps my hearing or seeing!

So then, let it be known to our progeny:
That our love is true and there never could be
Another love lasting through future or past,
That’s truer or deeper than ours, or as vast!
Let none through the ages e’er have cause to doubt
My love for my dear one ‘till breath shall run out.

And when I lay dying, if you have gone first
Pray God will have mercy and make my heart burst
Or if it is I who has gone on ahead,
I pray that eternity makes, for the dead,
The time seem an instant, so when I arrive,
I’ll turn and behold you, forever alive!

You're so funny
Sunny little honey
Singing to the trees

You are charming
Your smile, disarming
And you charm them all with ease

Don't lose that thing
That invisible string
Which draws all others to you

Good's my intention
I should mention
So happy to have knew you

Don't you fear,
Sarah dear,
For it's never a bother

Peak-a-boo,
You know it's true:
I'm glad to be your father

I lay awake here trembling
In fear of what awaits
When I finally let go
And heave my final breath

I know that I have whispered words;
Things that ought to save me
But what of judgement?
What if there's nothing after death?

Ah, but this flesh that clings
Causes such searing pain

Thrashing, throbbing, and beating
Trying to leave me again

I will try to slip away...
Turn up the drip of morphine

But this will be the end of me
What does that mean?

It’s worse than a hunger

But we try to make it

Go away

In any way

We can think to slake it

Try to drown it

Or smoke it out

Try to fill it with food

Try to exercise every **** day

It’s still a nagging, hollow, unbearable need

I need to throw something at it!



I drank lots of water

I worked out hard

I ate some junk food

And toked in the car

I wish I could make myself

Try really hard

But I’m numb and complacent

And my flesh won’t face it



Gotta’ get back to work

Gotta’ get back to work

I am a machine
How 'bout that
I ought to run lean
But I am not clean

Ran over a cat
Made quite an impression
My passenger spat:
"That feline is flat"

Intake, compression
Ignition, exhaust
Here's my confession
(Oh what an obsession)

And what is the cost
For sweet release?
For toxins tossed?
Redeem what is lost

I ****, squeeze,
Bang, blow...
Forget to say please,
Run hot with ease

My fluids are low
I'm 'bout to run dry
A gasket might go
And oil won't flow

Oh why even try
This machine is obscene
My insides will fry
And soon I will die

Look for me in spite of what you see

Stop drifting leeward, keep an eye on the goal

Quicken all your senses and tune me in

I will do my best to soothe your soul



Despite this illusion that is now fooling you

I know you and love coming
   to the rescue

The things you’re seeing now
   aren’t quite the true

Each event is perfect
   from a certain point of view



Way past the spectrum range
   that’s audible

Block out the extraneous to get an inner vision

Tune in your ears, this frequency is laudable

My voice will make the fusion; my eyes will make the fission



So before you try to smell the flowers from underneath

Before you take that J. Urbonas rollercoaster ride

Visualize your picture of the spirit with the wreath

And try and try to follow
sans pomposity or pride



Illusion has within it, a glimmer of the real

An imperfect model of what’s there when we break through

Don’t be guided only by the feelings that you feel

Nor by the coldness of the calculating you

❁


What were you thinking you little fool?
Don't you know life on earth is cruel?
I looked into the mirror today
I don't know what to say

You look so dried up
Guts are all *******
Into those little knots your mind has made

And I just can't tell you
You'll go to hell too if you
Don't change your mind; don't change your ways.

What were you doing out there all alone?
Don't you think it's time that that was done?
Principalities watch from the walls
If I win will the demons fall?

Can't You just open up a door?
Push me out on the threshing floor...
Help me jump past...this transience, it's no good

If I could just open up my eyes
And have a look behind Your skies
At what's supposed to be out there, I would

Why can't I love You the way that I should?
Would it help even if I could?
There I go making excuses again
Help me; help me with this amen.

I need a new drug to take
I need a new brain I think
This is not something that I can fake

Won't You just show me something true
So that I can start anew?
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Is this that rock that You can't lift,
Just simply showing logic's rift?
Or is it just that I lack the gift?

Is it that this is what You planned?
Am I that vessel You can't stand?
Am I to be ...slighted by Your hand?

What was I thinking? I'm so misled…
I need to live life outside my head
If I was chosen to be destroyed
Then that's how I must be employed

I'm just so dried up
My guts are all *******
Into those little knots my mind has made

Let us go then
Back and back

To that place
Where we first met

Nineteen hundred and ninety-four

You in the bar,
I on the floor

I saw you and
Desire sprung

From toes to groin
To head and lung

I knew your face
From misty past

And fancied glances
Fancied fast

(And where, my Dear, is fancy bred?
In the heart or in the head?)

I never dreamed
That fateful day

That our paths led
The selfsame way

Flashback...




We'd spent all day
In "the fields"
Not twenty yards from the whitewashed cemetery fence posts
Floating and then burning
Paper boats on a muddy puddle in a depression in the dirt

Phillip and Chris scored some Skoal From Danny or Billy, I forget which...
It was "long-cut"

We try a bit...putting it in our cheek
Like the big kids did
The Skoal making a strange and potent tea from our spit

The smallest amount of this tingly elixer is swallowed- and it's over.

I lose my lunch.
I am yawning in technicolor.

Chris and Phillip laugh and laugh.  
Then Phillip follows suit barfing on his shoes
Chris gives him an arm punch, with a smile.
I think Phil and I were both done with chew.

There was never a shortage of things to do here

Under an old barnwood board, was a magazine with glorious pictures that made us feel strangely isolated
From one another

We would memorize each line, each curve
For later when each would be alone
With the Sears catalog and some tracing paper.

We made single line trails for our bikes
With banks and jumps
Chris was the daredevil of the bunch
He would take a new ramp at top speed

His little brother would too
Sometimes with drastic results
Concussions and broken bones.

There's a chain store now
in the spot we called  "the fields". 

It used to seem vast.  
And now it looks small.
But that is the past.
Memories. That's all.

We laugh
And dance
We take
A chance
The best choice
I ever made

This bright
Gold band
Upon
My hand
A symbol of
Love that stayed

That I
Could be
Made whole
And free
With you
Forever after

It makes
Me cry
So blessed
Am I
We have
Such love and laughter

You're still
My love
With eyes that shine
I, your servant,
Willingly indentured

Since Nineteen-
Hundred
Ninety-nine
We have had
Such adventures!

And so I fall again
Into the blackest cycles
The dark patterns
Of dreary steps
Running on auto
Not feeling like I ought to
Piloting the craft through
Though taking many hits to the hull

And perennial pardon ,
Sure as the sun will rise
With the impending dawn,
****** my plaintive passions
Sickening and splintering the dream
One from which I awake with a start
Bloodshot grogginess
My purest art

Propeller hat:

A poem about us-

     Exquisite equation
     So simple and classic
     Calm sea of frustration
     And new life Jurassic

     Shabbily dressed to the nines
     Your metal-band flute
     My tangles of straight lines
     The angles acute

     Never cross (without reason)
     My low-born sublime
     Through good and bad seasons
     Sans passage of time


Love,
Your jello-y rock

Whispered words

Don’t compare

To actions taken

Here and there

To let you know

How much I care…

I’ll never leave, my Love



Covenants

And pleasantries

These things are broken

Easily

But I want you

To stay with me

And so I’ll strive, my Love,



To fight the nature

Of our kind

I love your face

But love is blind

And so I search

Your soul for mine

I see it there

From time to time

Because, you see, we’re intertwined by things unseen, and God above.

A man left a so-called "good career" to follow his heart, to pursue work that he thought would be fulfilling...
And he bled-out into his art.
The old self, and fear, he set to killing.
Although he was paid far less,
And his finances became a mess...
But a hint of a smile emerged all on its own sometimes
He spent his days with pen in hand and verses in his mind...

The kingdom of heaven is like this:
A sower sowed some seeds,
But the ground looked too rocky,
And the ground appeared too thorny,
But the sower sowed there anyway

And the worries of the world and the lack of rootedness tried to choke out the green growth
But this life is not yet extinguished,
And there's a crack in the pavement through which the narrow chutes are peeking,
And the green apogees are pointing toward the sun.

He who has ears, let him hear.

I'm in it

Wandering

Your silence is deafening

And here I am, floundering.

Now my frequent exhaled "jeez" is the cheesiest

I'm generally meandering - on the path I see as the easiest

My vision is encumbered by the sand in my eyes

My judgement is impaired by my lack of supplies

This time in the desert should beget new perspectives

But instead, nothing's born but new harsh self-invectives

In the silence, tooling a song,

At least the shadows are now growing long,

And so, after years of tax and toil
I return my body to the earth
My shell to nourish the darkened soil
I’ve loved and lived upon since birth
 
I believe I am both matter and spirit
Not just dust returning to dust
There’s a deep music that, when you hear it
Awakens you to th’ eternal ******
 
Like husk of seed, is decomposed
To let the plant unfurl, renewed
Like seed to plant is juxtaposed
My ghost, from flesh becomes unglued

Blue
     is what is
     TRUE

Black, a heart-attack

But
The dog-eared pages of the prophets and proverbs,
Smudged with the black of the resin on my fingers,
Folded and torn
The frayed edges
The murky riddles
The puzzle, the underlying meanings,
It is more of a black than a blue

The bustle and the tedium
Are things I need escaping from
Yet time speeds by and still have I
Not planned a foray ‘neath the sky
To places that I know will put
My careworn brow back where it ought
To be.  And so my torpor worsens;
I begin to draw-back from random persons
I give up as I’ve done before
But freefall further.  What a bore
I have become...the quintessential
Flawed human… (how provincial)


It’s time to make the drive up north
To face my demons and burst forth
Upon the beautiful scenes I’ve seen
In years gone past, blue, brown, and green
Across sacred Adirondack waters
I must lead my son and daughters
Set up camp and sweat and think
Stoke the fire, pray, and drink
Climb and swim with nonchalance
This head and heart need renaissance
So I say, …and so I need to do
But I’m crippled from this moody blue

And then she said
It's time for bed
As up the stair she led me

And as time flew
I knew it true
'Twas fate that she should bed me

That bright young girl
With skirts that twirl
Was never meant to parry

And on that day
It's fair to say
I knew that we would marry