My bones shake at the slightest noise
This flesh feel so rent, that houses my soul
And due to the numbness and pain inside,
my mind's stuck on the ground, lost my bird's eye

Lately I've been living on feeling
Trying to feel good, but I'm not healing
Only revenge, I want to see
the consequences of what they did to me

And I know it's none of my business
I need to focus on myself, but the stress!
I failed each test, though I tried my best
I lay all this at God's feet, and rest

Wake up
Drink coffee
Smoke half a pack
Try to process the dreams

I don't get hungry
till half way through the day
Then I gorge
And then get sick

Such is my retirement
A life without a job
Without anyone
I struggle to find purpose

Everyone has their place
I walk a path I paved myself
Back and forth I go
Circling the same places

Who can change the course of their life
at any given instant?
Who can forgive and let go?
Forget and be perfect?

I have schizophrenia
I falsely feel people are targeting me
One foot in the grave
But one hand on my heart

For I understand those who suffer
Thus I gravitate to such people
I would never hurt you
Your pain is my pain

In all my life
I haven't found life or liberty here
Only veiled threats and manipulation
Yet I hang on by the hope of a better afterlife

There is something
that the young and old
have in common
which those in mid-life
do not seem to grasp
or acknowledge
The fragile know it
The strong abhor it
It is so simple
yet it's an insult to ego
Ask your elder
how they survived
Ask your child
why they hide
It is to see evil
and not engage it
even though deep inside
you want to destroy it
If someone hurts you
and makes an attack
against your peace of mind
or against your will
do not dwell
Do not strike back
or curse them to hell
I have done the former
more times than I can tell
It is quite easy
The latter is harder
to just let things be
The more I thought of these people
the harder I fell
I struggled to understand
that endless vexation
the desire for vengeance
and the agitation
If they appear in your mind
look away
at something else
Anything else
Think of the future
If someone upsets you
and hurts you for no reason
Know they might not last till
the next season
Pray for your enemies
Hope they cease wickedness
for the good of those around them
who come in contact with them
If someone is haunting you
or their presence is daunting
Find peace at any cost
Let the relationship cease
and if the memory rots
and you can't stop the thoughts
know that revenge is best served
cold not hot

The sky so blue, the earth so green
These eyes bear witness to what they've seen
My mind with the moon, I dream for fun
I love the moon and stars and sun
They don't care what I have done
I want to be useful before I'm gone
I need to wean myself off what I lean on
and stand on my own two feet for once
but they always take me back to where I've been
Eternal cycle that I'm in
It always goes back to a life of sin
Of gin and tonic, of tobacco and chronic
I never win, it's gotten late
My routine has become a fate which I hate,
but cannot break, is it too late?
My inner voice is crying now
I did not listen, didn't know how
I bow to the past, I prostrate low
To my routine, it's all I know

I put my hand on her shoulder
say thanks for being there
I feel her revolting, she moves away
as countless voices numb my ears
They squeal their accusations
I can only laugh, I've been here before
I tried to repent of my iniquities
Every night I say I won't do it again
I'm used to being embarrassed
Live the life of a pariah
People spitting as I pass
but what I experienced is downright humiliation
I expect betrayal from friends
No one has been faithful
Loyalty is nowhere to be found
ever since I became a laughingstock
people have avoided me
My name used to be meaningless
now it's utterly soiled
I just sit alone in a corner
and smoke and drink my problems away
hoping this too shall pass
and some day mourning will turn to joy

Rising slowly
after a night of turning
tears on my shirt
Learning how to live again
Loving the small things
Coming to terms with reality
Sipping coffee

I'm desperate
Trying to be at ease
but the thoughts keep coming
Robbing me of peace
I keep releasing them but they keep coming
I wanted to please you
I lived for you, and you despised me

I'm waking up slowly
to the fact that I don't belong
I go for a long walk
but the loneliness and emptiness
I drag along
I listen to a sad song
and sing along

Now I'm meditating
on where I went wrong
The people I tried to save
have pushed me to my grave
Endless rain of the soul is driving me insane
everything around me is alive with pain
while the walls of my heart echo your name

There will come a time
when you ask for forgiveness
and I will accept your apology
but then I will tell you
if you are around me
keep your nakedness to yourself
It's appalling to me

My roots are shallow, not so deep
I do not sow, nor do I reap
I'm skin and bone, not earth and stone
I do not own the world alone
There is some insecurity in me
I am free but to a degree
Waiting for the next panic to arrive
for flexing manic men to rise
to drag us to another place
where they will tag the human race
on the forehead, on the hand
or you can't buy bread, understand?

He lost his roar, they suppressed his soul
He's starting to ****, like a black hole
He has no hope in hearing good news
even if he heard some, he'd still have the blues
He thinks he's no good, a freak and a creep
He asks the Lord to take him away in his sleep
The Lord answers his prayer, but not how he'd expect
instead of killing him, he honours him with respect
then takes him away in his nightly slumber
to show him a place where he roars like thunder

My unwitting heart
has gone astray
thinking of you
every day
obsessed with you
Feels like you can do anything
You bear no shame
in all you do

I go to work
I think of you
I'm watching tv
I think of you
I'm in a bind
You're playing games
inside my mind
I'm going insane

There are no studies
about what you do
What's there to learn
Other than the fact
that you will burn
Get out you worm
I will make room
for someone who earned my respect

Take what is fruitless
and cut off the branch.
Find the good fruits,
and add to the bunch.
Let the scent please you;
savour each bite;
I want to be the apple
of your precious sight.
And if I should fall
like red autumn leaves,
gather me up
and burn me like weeds.
But take my seeds
and scatter them abroad
so another may rise
and praise you, my God.

I want to go back
to simpler times
when the grass was greener
and people were more innocent

I don't want what's new
I miss the ignorance of childhood
When I felt a zeal for life
before I knew evil

I don't believe in evolution
I don't want amendments
The more you add, the more you take away
Some things are above humans

I want to be more pure
but this irks some people
so I shut myself away
to await better times

And I know it will get worse
before it gets better
People are angry
but I will protest quietly

Poetry
is heaven sent
Not easy to write
something magnificent
It's pretty late
into the night
I close my eyes
to acquire sight
I want to write
my mind is still
I have to fight
the forlorn will
to end the night
and simply say
opportunity will knock
some other day
but I'm past the age
where opportunity knocks
I need to think
outside the box
and be myself
write something that rocks
or at least
something that doesn't ****
I need to break
this writer's block
I look at the ceiling
Look down at the clock
Stare into nothingness
as boredom mocks
the writer in me
Just my luck
This poem is about nothing
who gives a ****

Mortals...
So susceptible to demons
Go ahead, place your trust in one
Pour your love and faith into a human
As soon as you turn they show their claws
Once they take off their mask you'll be horrified
at how a person can have many faces
Your reward will be knives in your back
and the mockery will come to no end

No, do not trust people
Their religions will fail you
Their sciences will drive you to madness
Their products will intoxicate you
Nothing they say is a fact
Arguing over truth is pointless
What is a human, might I ask
A temporary life form, nothing more

The sons of God know who they are
The daughters of God best be on guard
The world will do all in its power to steal their crowns
and leave them flailing about in their own blood and *****
There are those who say they are chosen
whilst gnawing and clawing the righteous
Hypocrites and evildoers show no fear
They steal and **** without remorse
while the righteous try not to judge

When you feel nothing has any meaning
Let everything fall and set the way it must
Mortals are not to live forever
The ones that do will no longer be people
but Gods
And the LORD will smash the gods on earth
all in one day
And the king will separate the two types of people
for this I hope and pray

I don't need much
Your touch would be nice
But I always think twice
and can't break the ice

One day I approached you
and broached you to stay
you said I must go
without delay

I thought it was done
but then you turned to say
what drugs are you on
and how much for some you ***

It's probably best to not start,
you'll feel better if you just sit your **** down
they say
but to me,
that's when the demons come
and that's when you have to start again

The closest thing I know to heaven is inside me
But I can't open my heart to just anyone
They'll betray me
I dance and sing in my mind
On the outside a cold demeanour
I'm happy but it never shows

And they tell me to quit
But my fate has been written
There is no deviation
I go where the wind takes me
For I have no say in what's true
I see what I see, and that's that

The passion was palpable
And so unforgettable
Too bad it ended
So regrettably
Lust's unpredictable
You're not always able
To know someone fully
Soul mates improbable
The start indescribable
The end so despicable
Leaving me so unstable
What I did was laughable
Falling in love so deceivable
But what you did was evil
Playing games like the devil
One day so huggable
The next unloveable
Now I feel so uncomfortable
My life so unliveable
Yet I gained a new level
I feel more untouchable
I will do what is viable
And be indestructible
We will both find a new place
It is undeniable
We will close the file
And not live in denial

Oh forgetfulness!
When I taste of your nectar so sweet
I feel a loving embrace that numbs my anguish
I am afflicted by bruises that never heal
Made victim of people I can't openly accuse
My sober mind has become a den of horror
My loved ones do not feel any sympathy for me
Out in the cold streets is where I belong
Living in a tent surrounded by trees and the elements
For I could not manage my own house
Reality is a blur for the addict
It's hard to tell what's real or imaginary
Small acts of disrespect I blow out of proportion
Small agitations make me inclined to violence
I fear myself more than anything
If I were to be honest with God
I would tell him I am no longer useful
My words slump to the ground
There is no vigour or persuasiveness in them
My relationships have all ended in failure
Too many burned bridges lead to dead ends
I wander aimlessly without direction
Like an abandoned and ***** dog am I
I hope to find any scrap of belonging
People pass me without any knowledge
That I was once a vibrant little boy
Worthy of a bright future but alas!
I am a deeply disturbed man
All these thoughts never leave me alone

The joy of life
never faded for me
There's so much beauty
in all I see
The love in me
is heaven sent
I give my love
to you, the recipient
My love is pure
Don't want anything in return
For you dear reader
my love does burn
There's so much love
It can fill a sea
I pass it on
through poetry
In love I hope
For love I live
Whatever you need
I will try to give
To you I give
This heartfelt smile
so we can share
our joy a while

Ever get that feeling
where you're walking
and you don't know
what you're hitting

And then you stumble
perhaps someone pushed you
caught you off balance
and then you fall

Now you're flat on your face
and cannot stand up
in this pitiful darkness
You're stuck on the floor

That's when truth appears
and with concern says
you were acting irrationally
walking blindly

It's time to wake up
You were chasing a dream
without noticing
what was under your feet

Get up
It's time to move on
You'll get other chances
We all make mistakes

Think of today
today is the day
what was yesterday
will be tomorrow
Think of today
It's enough for today
Tomorrow's problems
will soon be yesterday's
Today is the day
and you'll be okay
Tomorrow's problems
leave for tomorrow
Eat sleep and play
Today is the day
For this I pray
for more days like today

I can't stand the thought of you
Like a protruding nail I want to hammer you down
into the wood until you're just like every other pain
I want to look at you and feel nothing
The desire for revenge is sickening me
I am mad with fury, red with anger
In a fit of rage I might do something I would regret
Stay away from me for all time

I cannot
live
like most

to travel
from coast
to coast

to eat
my fill
of roast

to raise
a glass
a toast

For I
have naught
to boast

I am
just like
a ghost

I live
just like
a corpse

No sound
escapes
my throat

Sometimes
I feel
remorse

Still I
can't leave
my post

I do
not have
a choice

until
I find
my voice

Not many men wear skirts
but many women wear pants
When women and children are leaders
no one is happy
Men worshipping idols
Women chasing money and independence
Turning our backs on the Lord
Afraid and in dismay
Men kneel before their mothers wanting to go back
into her arms to **** on her ****** once again

Men are catty and ready to fight for no reason
Women have *** with so many partners it's disgusting
We have ****** men who want wives but can't find one
Women are all on social media with multiple accounts
A successful marriage is like winning the lottery these days
The churches are being undermined and attacked by government

A government that labels Christians mentally ill
and medicates them till they are complacent
Obey and you're free
Forced to lie by the liars
It's what they're doing to the saints
Rubbing dirt in the eyes of God's children
I am against the world and the system
I am perpetually prepared for martyrdom
My heart's treasures are in heaven not on earth
They hated the the old prophets they hate me too

I do believe the world is friendly
and people like me
I try to be kind
One person reflects another
emotions are contagious

It's when I want to be alone
I get lonely
but I don't want to be around people
I get sick
Mental and paranoid

I just sit in a corner
and wipe my dry eyes
forgetting I don't know how to cry
And scratch my head
thinking, why?

Why am I so broken
I'll take to the grave a broken heart
nothing can surprise me anymore
I've spent too much time thinking
Learned too much

With knowledge comes sorrow
I know too much to be happy
It's just a fruitless road to the end
A death march, a lesson on vanity
Around the bend is the death

Nothing can satisfy me
No one can tell me what I don't already know
The things I've trusted in have failed me
Knowledge is not wisdom
Wisdom is to avoid too much knowledge

If only I could rely on others
to raise me up
and some people do
but many do not
I have fallen flat

I don't know what to do
Still the sight of you
makes me feel better
And the thought of you
We're in this together

I try so hard
to control my mind
It goes where it pleases
thinks whatever it wants
It usually goes back
to traumatizing events
I have to refute them
and get back on my feet

No one cares
until you're dead
before that happens
you're all alone
So many things
we leave unsaid
lest we eat our words
to the bone
one complaint
To tell the truth
without restraint
is to say goodbye
to comfort and bread
Better lose those
than water and air
I'm gasping for truth
that's how I fare

Do not be fooled
The highlights I show
are not who I am
I know nothing at all

They fell from the sky
and crowned for a while
my head with a smile
the blessings rained down

I laboured for them not
Do not think me wise
I dug in the ground
by chance found a prize

Sometimes you score
and sometimes you miss
The tables will turn
to remind me of this

That I am but a worm
Naked or dressed
blessed or degraded
I am but a worm

I used to write freely
Vividly and openly
but ever since you broke my heart
I've been writing bitterly

I spend my days alone
Fear and anger, can't tell what's worse
I'm used to pain, but what I'm dealing with
is more like a curse

I can search myself
but there's nothing to find
in these dark holes
that exist in my mind

My stomach and head
they hurt as I groan
I've learned my lesson
just leave me alone!

You are the ache in my body
I struggle to not let you take me under
For I know what you are thinking
And I know you want to watch me suffer

I wish it weren't so
but you can't stand to watch me fly
Cause then I would leave you behind
But I'm tired of living under your wing

I can keep you company for a while
Meet with you and talk of the old times
Though I can't be around long
For we all need to be alone sometimes

In this life
I can't refuse
whatever comes
I do not choose

I come upon
things every day
I simply use
and throw away

I am a guest
Life and death
I cannot hold
just like my breath

Once saw something
I wanted to keep
the harder I squeezed
the more it leaped

I am a prisoner
in this life
My life is full
of pain and strife

I am someone
with many needs
yet I must thank
the hand that feeds

It's hard to flourish when your truth-malnourished.
I tried to dig my roots into soil, and grow good fruits.
But with every good thought, along came rot
Wanted to thrive, got eaten alive.

I have only birds and bugs to give me hugs.
The worm is eating my beating heart.
You betrayed, yet still stayed
Inside of me, you live rent free.

I groan and moan before God's throne.
See the snake, crush it for heavens sake!
Of course we're not to fight before God's sight.
The Lord is delayed, but our blood price is paid.

I want to die, I sigh and cry.
In the end, my heart did rend.
My beginnings were rough but I will get more tough.
My trust was misplaced, but your memory will be erased.

I want to cheer up my mind
by thinking good thoughts
Being kind to myself
Seeing the good side of life
There's so much wonder
And miracles abound
I won't give up
There's treasure to be found

The skies are black
The stars went out
The people groan
The land is cold
I rub my eyes
Cannot believe
I have no one
To share my grief
Darkness won
Inside my heart
The sun has set
All hope is gone
It's how I feel
I'm all alone
Afraid and trembling
To the bone

Love sees things
It goes in all directions
Sometimes it demands
self-sacrifice

It's like a ray of light
A flashlight held in your mind
Uncovering, illuminating
Giving meaning to life

The world is messed up
It's ugly and *****
If you give it some love
you can start making arrangements

I am so very tired
of hiding my love
Each time I do
I feel like I'm lying

And my heart starts racing
And my stomach starts hurting
I implode into myself
But love demands sacrifice

I want to greet you and eat with you
Kiss you and share this present I got you
But I don't miss you, and I don't want to meet you
In moments like this, I want to be free from you

Am I hurting you?
Maybe
Are you hurting?
I can't really tell

Sometimes I wish you would change
As I force myself to change around you
Bending over backwards feels deranged
There is nothing much left to be said

Lost faith in humanity
These bruises ain't healing
Why'd you expose me,
Make me walk around naked?
When you saw my deeds clothed me
You soiled my garment
So I threw it away
It was burning my skin
I have flashbacks of falling
And nobody calling
But my ears are still open
And I'm tired of lying
Gotta keep moving
This is no time for crying
Tell me the truth
What can I do
How can I help you

Am I me
Have I lost my glow
I can see
a dark shadow
Chasing me
My girl,
where is she?
These lips, have kissed lies
and the sighs and the cries
Ring in my ears
Mocking me
What is this fear,
fear in me,
my girl,
where is she?

I live in my head, off the body of Christ's bread
His blood flows in my veins, which I'm prepared to shed
My workaholic dad said I'm lazy and better off dead
But I'm always wet as sweat burns my skin and bed
When I asked him to brave the fire of hell with me he fled
He couldn't stand the scorching red, he chose the easy path instead
Heaven my reward, money is where he got lead
In the end I'm a scapegoat who bled so they can stay the same
I shame myself so my folks go easy on the pain
They say I'm stupid and not on my best behaviour
As they **** my blood I think of my lord and saviour

There once was a time
or rather, a sight
Somewhat of a rhyme
yet also a plight
before the first dawn
before the first night
before God declared
let there be light
Children were born
shining and bright
though some were torn
between wrong and right

Now war was on the horizon
and all had to fight
Many chose a side
The forces of darkness tried
to overthrow the law
and take the throne
force goodness to scrape low
but commanded by the sun
the ground opened wide
and down they fell
upon the sound
of the trumpet and bell
and descended to hell
though once mighty hounds
defeated they were
Over it was
before they could tell
forfeited lives
they rest behind bars
in cell - like hives
no longer stars

We are human
and we're slow
we have the power to think
before it becomes so
we don't just wish for something
and it becomes so
though what side are we on?
We just don't know

We form a circle and stare at each other
Blaming the other who's on the outside
It's easy to raise someone up then
Just like it is to tear them down

Sometimes in bed I wonder
Are moments equal just like people
And why I keep thinking the same thing
A moment and everything changes

We stumble hard and then there's no turning back
We fall through cracks left by moral decay
And even if we make it to the top of the pile
We are not satisfied with it

How I wish we could live together
United as one, on the same page
No more fighting but on the same side
But that is a dream of a different place

I struggle to explain what I'm witnessing
What difference does it make, when you don't have a voice
It would be nice to talk to a human being
The lonely life I live, is only partially by choice

I can't let go of this feeling I have
It's one I've had since I was a child
Of the need to brace for constant attacks
Like being surrounded by scorpions and snakes in the wild

I come from a narcissistic family and it shows
I bear all the classic symptoms and traits
Evading reality is all I know
A lonely life is all that waits

My heart jumps at sudden noises
From a leaf rustling in the wind when I'm walking
To new messages, to new voices
It's always about me they're talking

Still I hope that in the end
All those people who betrayed me
Will change and be my friends
And we'll live as a family

Like with a brush
You painted a canvas
Intricately and exquisitely
To the voice of your will
And thus was I
I danced and was thrilled
Bending my soul
To the shape of your whim
Yet now I cry
For you put me aside

I will be loud
I won't  be hushed
To win you back
I will do much
From the heights
To the depths
I'll paint the world
With how I felt
I'll touch the hearts
And they will melt
Perhaps you'll remember me then

How long must it be
Realistically
Before you appear
And set me free
For I'm in hell
Now where I dwell
A shell of what I used to be
Under this spell
A brokenhearted fool
Without you

I needed care
And you refused
Said it's not something
I can choose
Said it's only for
an emergency
When I didn't want help
you forced me

Now I have nothing
no one to share
the passing days
only psychiatrist's care
a handful of meds
And then I sway
away from dreams
the only way

I pick up a controller and play
Every single day
Till I can't feel my head
Till my eyes turn red
I get ******
Then I get owned
The same old games
Of renown fame
just like so many others
I forget my name
Through these cords
I live a fantasy
Without any consequences
or rewards
It made me happy
when I was a kid
who had an imagination
but deep down inside I wanted to get rid of it
A life I could have had
like mom and dad
Now the cobwebs are forming
And the world is turning
And my passion isn't there
And I'm starting to care

Masters of reality
Adding spark to the bland
You give them your money
They stimulate your pineal gland
They live out your fantasy
They did something grand
Live like a celebrity
Fame, status, and...?
Now you feel like a nobody
Time's slipping through your hand
Yet when the clock turns a degree
You will understand
That time comes like a sea
Sweeping the land
To shift honour and dignity
Destroying foundations of sand

I saw the traps
Yet went right in
She hunted me down
Chewed me up
And spat me out

She was there when I went down
She was there when I was made a clown
She turned her back as I drowned
I begged and cried, don't let me die
She just sighed and said goodbye

I am the darkness she locked me in
I am possessed by what has been
Disturbed by what I continually see
I refuse to let go and break free
Yet there's still fight left in me

I will not rest
I will not cease
I'll devise a plan
She'll come crawling back
On hands and knees

Then I'll beat her till she's sore
I will make her beg for more
Ensure the pain sinks to her core
And when she knows she's done for
I will strike a blade through the *****

Starting from the bottom I wanted to scale the ladder
Tried to hone my craft and turn out the winner
They pyramid was tall and I knew I could fall
In the end I understood nothing at all
For they sabotaged my efforts so I failed in my tasks
Discouraged and lost I turned to the flask
Drinking and high all washed up and burned
In examining me they left no stone unturned
Humiliation set in every waking day
I was put away, but in the end I'm just clay
They tried but couldn't break my hope
The thought of death actually helps me cope
I know the end is better than the start
And I hope in heaven you and I have a part
Evil and corruption come and pass
But these things are but a kingdom of glass
Naked and scared, all will know their sin
Nowhere to run, they will be exposed just like I have been
And they will learn nothing to them was ever owed
While those who walked in purity will be clothed

What's the use
I do no harm
I do no good
Locked in my room

What's the use
Keep my head low
I have these feelings
I cannot show

Yet in my head
Behind the soot
There is a spark
That life is good

But what's the use
I do not choose
I don't consent
I don't refuse

What I'm seeing
An inner war
For the core
Of my inner being

What goes inside me
I feel within me
Wanna breathe out the old
And smell something new

There are certain corners in my mind I can't go
Memories of the past distorted and concrete
When I try to open my mind
To let love inside me
They pop up
Obstructing

I run, dash and dodge around these memories
I try to focus on the good times
As hard as I try I can't forget
And if I try to face them
I get eaten alive
Then spat out

They say I should leave the past behind and move on
That I should have more compassion on myself
But it's the way I am and can't change
Some scars are simply eternal
And won't go away
Until the end