Beneath the surface of everything that exists;-
I find myself one breath away from losing my sanity,
and not making another one, until I die. Continuously unsure if
I'll ever create something new before, my time is up;- living by
the inevitable ticking of time's clock.

I've been living on the outskirts, trapped within
the confines of my own mind, constructing dreams of the past
for those who still hold onto hope, hoping that what I do will
be cherished as something unique and irreplaceable, like a rare gem
amidst a sea of ordinary stones. But now, I find myself drowning in
a sea of thoughts, longing for a shore where I can find solace instead
of conforming to the world's constant demands with a forced "sure."

Sometimes, I feel like I exist beyond the boundaries
of this physical realm. I am dedicated to carrying the weight of
everything, as if it all rests solely on my shoulders. I commit myself
to helping others and loving those who have wronged me, without
any limitations.

Yet, I feel trapped by it all, still entangled within
the web of expectations. In the midst of it all, I must remember
that I have to go through this journey to understand why I am here.
I have tasted love, its sweetness fleeting and its bitterness lingering.
I feel somewhat used by this kind of love, but mostly, I am left feeling
confused;-  drained and perplexed, pondering the worth of
entwining myself in a web of a jealousy, masquerading as  
now being a mere companion. I have been betrayed by those
I loved the most, let down by my own family, as if they were
the last people, I expected to break my heart. Feeling the sharp
betrayal of a backstab is a crippling pain, but the anguish intensifies
when you see the perpetrator, carving that very scar.

I am amazed by the immense depth and breadth
of how a few months of disappointments can feel like a
year's worth of pain. I cannot possibly quantify the extent of
this excruciating experience, but I can count every tear shed along
the way. The first half of this year has presented an array of
challenges worthy of a lifetime.

Nevertheless, I remind myself that it is a journey,
that must be taken one day at a time, handling whatever
comes my way. It is difficult to always be happy, but I strive to
find moments that bring a smile to my face, conserving my energy
to heal from the tougher days instead of pretending that
everything is fine.

Easter already
this year has slithered down the drain of time
where it will hide until Christmas
and have its babies

The final day,
To a year of sorrow.

Weakness,
Now seen as strength.
Roads seem no longer bent.

A clear way,
I now create.
For change is ahead,

It is never too late.

what a privilege it is
to celebrate with fireworks.

to hear thundering booms fill the air
and not simultaneously be full of fear.

to have the sky painted
with vibrant dazzling colours -
not the grounds stained
with new shades of red.

to hear the calming whistle
and anticipate a euphony -
not a cacophony of
cracks, bangs, screams and cries.

what a privilege it is
to have never heard the latter.

what a privilege it is
to associate explosion
with new beginnings -
not an impending end.

what a privilege it is
to celebrate with fireworks.

1 I attended with my new suit
1 I barely made it to and back
1 I watched from a screen
1 I missed the train
1 I've been preparing for

2018-2023, 5 years.

I'm 25 years old
My dads getting old too
My mom I had to convince to come
Eyes of familiar faces to watch me stand or stumble
I just want you all to know, no matter what, I love you

A son, step-son, brother, half-brother, nephew, grandson, grand nephew, boyfriend, partner in this same suit
You made me who I am

Farmor, especially you.

What Fun!
I worked in a small call centre once
The boss was fed up of being bossed about
So left his job and set up his own call centre
He became his own boss and my boss
Gave me a job dialling varied accounts
In the US UK and Australia

Including tech support surveys sales
Plus education and B2B accounts
I learnt so much in my year with him
It was different and challenging

Each day was different even fun
I was gal agents cry I saw guys battle
We work drank sang ate danced  
In my first year of BPO work
I’d do it all again oh what fun!

We are on a plane. We are on a plane and flying fast enough to cross the world in days. We are crossing the world in small increments. Every minute is one hour closer to home. Every minute is one hour, and every 24 hours is 365 days.

What difference does one year make?  One year later, I am wearing new clothes. One year later, I am singing fresh songs. I am in the air with nothing but white clouds and blue skies ahead.

Hello past and future me,
How's life?

I'm saying goodbye to all that doesn't show,
Finally moving on.

2023, the year I leave,
Goodbye everyone I knew.

Hopefully it's a good year,
At least better than 2022