i’m unable to unpack
the damage those words did to me
at an age
where i was so vulnerable,
so open, so naïve.

i still cry,
i still cut,
i still look at myself in the mirror
and tear my skin off

i still torture myself to their photos.
a printed copy of her face glued to my mirror.
and my heart burns every time she appears on my feed.

i disagree with what you said.
through shameless stares on the street, praise, and adoration.
my confidence grew
where i can finally love myself
and admire me
more than you could that time.

but i think about her every day
the way i lied on your balcony
and cried
the way i chopped my hair
did my nails
and changed my face

all because of one text
“she’s cute, but not like her”

once again i’ve been betrayed.
i’ve gotten used to quickly give away
but when it’s her, it hurts.

we are opposites, i thought.
but looked, i saw a mirror.
we are so alike.
down to the black MK bag, though mine classier.

i try to think i’m superior; more refined
then how come she gets what i want?

she invited me to a party,
dress code was black & gold.
i looked down at my black bag, i can wear that at the party.
but the details are silver.

then, i looked at hers:
gold.

that is the difference between us,
i give away and act as the better person.
but she comes out on top.

i wear silver but she wears gold.

I see you
in the steam
I know
you’re not waiting
for me
And it breaks
my heart
And I don’t
understand

I feel you
getting close
I wish I could
trustingly know
what you see
when you stare
head on
Are you thinking
of me?
Or would it break
my heart?
I just don’t
understand

I hear you-
all the lies
you’ve said
to me
hang on
to your every
word
until it breaks
my heart
Do you
understand?

The night is safe. Come
Whatever goes wrong
you did what you could do

Come. You want too much
love and appreciation
from others for each other

and fewer regulations
fewer regulators
who interfere

and, like puppets
decide your fate
Mistakes are forbidden

They're in the system
and that's being worked on
Come. Over is the day

in which the seed lies
the seed of your fear
Your gluttonous love

I can't help but wonder
Could you still love me
If i layed my soul open for you?

Could you love me
Even though my heart is broken
Could you love me
Even though i hide my pain?

Could you love me
if i yearn to be touched,
But also shy away from it?
Could you love me
If i crave affection
But can't reach out for it?

Could you love me
Even though i am scared to let you in?
Could you love me
Even though i hide in darkness?

I can't help but wonder
Would you still love me
If i layed my soul open for you?

You would close your eyes
in the cinema if you dared

to think it is worse
in real life, the horror

everywhere and always, that
people are scared, see

monsters in humans

and conspiracies, offenders
that the police do not catch

For family and friends
God and country, your honour

you have to fix it yourself -
teach lessons to those who do not

participate, they must think
the worst things

until they defecate farmia
and finally no longer

are able to beg
that they may die

In his reflection I am inadequate
He casts onto me a veil of insecurity
Ordained with cheap mascara and gloss
I'm a concubine in the eyes of all

I play second fiddle to dissolvable filler
To bombshell bras and Facetune
So I give in to my materialistic desires
And I weep at my stellar mediocrity

They have recast my name with phrases
Categorized by a pornographic imperative
Petite brunette or ***** blonde
Our cuts of meat all marketed the same.

The rat race of womanhood has no victor
The treadmill will keep going
Only when I'm aging and forgotten
Will I breathe the fresh air of youth

Though still, I do not hate the other women
Only the man who sold me their lives.

I wonder how deep I can bury myself
Before my breath begins to thin
I’ve been looking for ways
To shirk my skin
At the bottom of this pit

Then I wonder if I can exist
Just like this
Every time I hear my name
My gut creates a crooked twist

So I wonder who will still be here
When my voice corrodes like tin
In some watery, choked collision
Of the body that I’m in

Insecurity floods me like nicotine in my lungs
Resentment and discomfort as regular as my jagged breath
I don't want to feel this way, but it isnt your fault
Though, as always, I'm plagued by the urge to run away
I don't know why this reaction is so pervasive
I never want you to see it, but I'm sure that you do

I'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore
I know I should be open with them, but I don't want these ones to exist
They make me feel small and broken
Like I should be immune to this poisonous ash by now
Especially when the fire lives within me
Incinerating me from the inside out
Convincing me that it's in the air
Like I could leave and not feel this way again
Like the answer is in anything else but myself

I don't know how to cope with this, how to trust that you love me
Because these emotions aren't fair to you
And I don't think you could love me through them
So, no, I don't want to talk about it
I don't know how to explain it to you
In any way that makes sense
I don't know how to peel this bitter taste from the back of my throat

I guess I don't know what you see in me, besides what I can do for you
When you two are much more compatible, and our futures don't feel aligned
Sometimes I don't feel like a person, at least not a whole one
So I guess when I hear how great he is, I just see everything I'm not
I see everything I can't do, for myself or for anyone
I know jealousy is insecurity, but I don't know how to make it stop
How to be happy with myself and change when I'm not

I don't know how to build a better life
When I've never even wanted this one