one pill
two pills
three pills
four.

how many more
before i hit the floor?

five pills
six pills
seven pills
eight.

i think that i
can already see the gates.

nine pills
ten pills
eleven pills
twelve.

this war is ending now,
the one with myself.

thirteen pills
fourteen pills
fifteen pills
sixteen.

sorry mom
i'm a ****** up queen.

seventeen pills
eighteen pills
nineteen pills
twenty.

wait,
how many?

twenty one pills
twenty two pills
twenty three pills
twenty four

and now i am asleep
upon the floor.

I took a few pills
in the hope that they would take away my pain
They did for a little bit
they made me so high that I couldn't feel anything
When I awoke the next morning
the pain hit me like a car
So I took a couple more pills
but I didn't get very far
Once the effects of the pills wore off
and there was no more high
The pain got incredibly worse
to the point it made me cry
I took some more of those **** pills
too upset to pay attention to the dose
I never woke up the next morning
I was stuck in a coma
The doctors pronounced me dead
without the breathing machine I wouldn't survive
Yet something inside me said otherwise
causing me to stay alive
I woke up after two days
of living in a comatose dream
The pain came crashing down on me hard
but it felt good to feel something
Once I was able to breathe on my own
the doctors explained to me what had happened
They told me that I had overdosed
as my family stood in the background crying
They asked me question after question
wanting to know why I took the pills
I told them that I didn't know
even though I knew the truth
Life threw me a few curve *****
I wasn't quite ready to catch
I thought the pills would help me
instead the brought me closer to death
The doctors sent me to rehab
a place I had hoped to avoid
I had a chance to change my life
or endure another unplanned suicide
I wasn't sure where to go with myself
I just wanted my **** pills
The pills didn't benefit me
they just made me more emotionally ill
The pain I faced hurt like hell
that is when I missed pills the most
The more I confronted my pain
the more I began to feel like myself
I learned that pills didn't help me at all
they just fed the things that were hurting me the most
My waking up in the hospital wasn't a miracle
it was God's way of giving me the chance to save myself
One year later I found those pills sitting in dust on my shelf
they reminded me of my near death experience
and how much they put me through hell
I flushed those **** pills down the toilet
for a minute I stood still
I never in my life would have thought
that my life would be forever changed by a pill.





This poem is dedicated to the following people:

To the friends I lost due to their addictions with pills and other drugs. I miss you terribly and I wish you were here with me today. I think about you all of the time and my heart stills aches for you all.

To the friends who have overdosed on pills and survived. I am really happy you are here and I am so proud of you for getting the help you need to live your lives to the fullest.

To the friends who are still addicted to pills and other drugs. I really wish you would get help because I miss you, I think you have so much to offer this world and it hurts to know you are wasting your lives hurting yourselves. I love you very much and I always will.

Sad all the time?
Here's a pill

Self contious about your weight?
Take a pill

Over anxious?
Pills all around

Slept too much?
A pill will help

Didn't sleep?
A pill will solve that

When will society
Get it through their thick skull
That pills won't solve everything

Sure they help
I'm not saying they don't
But they can't solve EVERYTHING

I'm severely depressed
I'm extremely anxious
All
The
****
Time

So they give me pills
Little pills
Big pills
Capsels
Tablets
Different shapes
Different colors

I still feel empty
I still feel hollow
No matter how many drugs
These doctors force feed me

I'm so accustomed to it
My body shuts down
If I miss a day's doseage
I'm so accustomed to it

I have to remind myself
Almost everyday
That all these pills
Aren't magic pills
They won't magically cure me
No matter how much I long for it

I started this path
2, almost 3, YEARS ago
Yet I'm still here
At the bottom of the pit
No hope
No faith

So many stupid pills
So much false hope
So much anger
And depression
And anxiety

They may help you
They may help him
And her

But they don't help me
I feel like I'm immune
Like my mental state
Built a wall so thick
That even drugs can't help me

Now when I say pills
And drugs
I don't mean illegal stuff
I don't mess with that
I mean the prescriptions
Doctors write to get paid

I follow the rules
All the directions
Everything
And my heart is still chained

I'm so sick of this
It feels like a game
Like a giant lie
That doctors tell me
So they can make money

"Take this and you'll feel better."

"That didn't work?
     Try this one."

"Lets up the dosage.
    And add this pill."

"Have three more pills
    on top of those two."

"Take all of these pills
     twice a day.
         With food."

"It's very important you take it."

Right
I have to take all your pills
So I can be 'normal'
So I can be happy
And fit into your broken society

It's such a twisted game
A joke so funny
I forgot to ******* laugh

**** your pills
***** your problem solving
You can't fix me
With all the worthless, expensive, pills

Drowning my antidepressant with a cup of tea, waiting for sleep to overtake me.
I've learn to ignore the begging of my stomach, I only have enough energy to feed one *****, and my heart is screaming for attention.

"If you take these pills you'll get out of bed" One pill two pills three pills four.
I'm out of bed and on the floor, crying silent tears.

"If you take these pills you'll worry less"
One pill two pills three pills four.
No weary thoughts cross my mind,
I'm indulged in sleep that seems to be the reason why.
Isn't this medicine supposed to keep me out of bed?

"If you take these pills you'll learn self harm isn't the answer"
One pill two pills three pills four.
I haven't binged in a week, I've been too busy with a panic attack spree.
If this isn't self harm then its self sabotage.

"If you take these pills you may have some side effects"
One pill two pills three pills- a
years supply later.

My face is stained with tears.
That seems to be the only thing I feel.
I think I'm done.
Or so I  wish it was done.

I take four green pills.
I'm addicted and scared.
I reach for more by force of habit,
Before I finish I'm consumed by darkness.


...

No I didn't overdose on anti psychotics,
but i've had my last dose of self pity.
Diagnosed, but not cured.
Enough with the pills.
Enough with these journal entries, and pitiful pep talks.
Enough with self indulgence.
I'm ill, not dead.
Sixteen years lived,
Two years defining me as anxious and depressed.
Its 2016 I call this "The Awakening"
If you fight for your sanity your drug intake won't define you.

One pill two pills three-
Who's counting?