.

                             ****** Up
                        ****** Up ****
                       ****** Up **** U
                     p ****** Up  ****  U
                       ****** Up  ******
                       Up ****** Up ****
                       ****** Up  ******
                       Up ****** Up ****
                       ******  Up  ******
                       Up ****** Up ****
                       ******  Up  ******  
                       Up ****** Up ****
                       ******  Up  ******
                       Up  ****** Up ****
                       ******  Up  ******
                       Up ******  Up ****
            ****** Up                 ****** Up
      ****** Up ******     Up ****** Up
         ****** Up ****       U ****** Up
              ****** Up               **** U

It's a ****** up world
A ****** up place
Everybody's judged by their ****** up face
****** up dreams
****** up life
A ****** up kid
With a ****** up knife
****** up moms
And ****** up dads
It's a ****** up a cop
With a ****** up badge
****** up job
With ****** up pay
And a ****** up boss
Is a ****** up pain...

****** Up

Just a ****** up girl with a ****** up life
Not seen not heard not wanted
But that's just life isnt it?
People not caring

Just a ****** up girl with a ****** up life
Alone abused abandoned
Friends aren't there
Parents don't care

Just a ****** up girl with a ****** up life
Dejected deserted neglected
Living a lie
Begging to die

Just a ****** up girl with a ****** up life
Shattered crushed broken
Vitals failing
Everyone's bailing

Just a ****** up girl with a ****** up life
Exhausted ruined drained
Hopelessness surrounds her
Life is a blur

Just a ****** up girl with a ****** up life
Not seen not heard not wanted
But that's what life is isnt it?
*People not caring

A ****** up girl
In a ****** up time
With ****** up lyrics
And that ****** up rhyme
A ****** up fairytale
With a ****** up start
A ****** up prince
Holding a ****** up heart
A ****** up story
With a ****** up ending
A ****** up princess
Named ****** up Cindy.

A generation,
of aggravation.
No determination,
to save our nation.

Concentrate on one,
care about no one.
And it's just begun,
the era of one.

****** up is man,
and no one gives a ****,
about our ****** up plans,
we'll destroy all of man.

****** up is man,
and no one gives a ****,
about our ****** up plans,
we'll destroy all of man.

We're the gods of war,
our people beg for more.
Enticed by the gore,
our people must see more.

Created guns,
to **** everyone.
Everyone will run,
from our mighty guns.

****** up is man,
and no one gives a ****,
about our ****** up plans,
we'll destroy all of man.

****** up is man,
and no one gives a ****,
about our ****** up plans,
we'll destroy all of man.

Driven by needs,
we created machines.
They took our work,
and kicked us to the curb.

And while this goes on,
we destroy the Amazon.
Thinking we're not wrong,
this era won't last long.

****** up is man,
and no one gives a ****,
about our ****** up plans,
we'll destroy all of man.

****** up is man,
and no one gives a ****,
about our ****** up plans,
we'll destroy all of man.

red you’re flowing red

your words came out like an overdose

dark gray bags and rags for clothes

black and gray and tones morose

red you’re flowing red

a ravenous cavern has eaten all our time

it felt so unkind

I lost my mind

horrible expectations—

lower them

everything drains away to the riverbed

lower then

everything remains hidden until said

lower then

everything flows out to the oceanic carpet

stomach somersault sea green

red you’re flowing red

gushing down to the gulley

you-you sound in a hurry

and complexion unsullied

wait, please wait for me

love isn’t a spectacle

feelings cannot be seen

looking over the shoulder, eyes narrowed,

hips locked in place

you call to me with a look of amusement and I can’t help but cringe

my spirit jumps out of my skin

I hope you like my body

I hope you remember my mind

I hope you know that I flattened on the floor

when you flicked me off your shoulder

and looked menacingly at the door

here I am

a cosmic ant

scurrying about with my feelers hanging low

shake it all off

pretend you aren’t a demon disguised as a simple ****

pretend you aren’t a newspaper clipping in the wind

a single-day story

filler on the news

speech in a bottle

drifting on the sea

a lonely dance hall made for people

to shake off empty flesh

in flakes of gold and steel and lead

what a waste

as it falls onto the floor,

flowing into the drain directly in the center

inch long nails digging in

just like we see on TV

I have to agree

it’s disgusting

but we all have to do it sometimes

****** in the car, whorechild

three years later and I’m ****** on the floor

I’m ****** on the sofa

I’m ****** on the futon

I’m ****** in a stranger’s bed every night

****** by nameless, faceless specters

of masculinity mixed with contempt

users and abusers who love to dissect

but only when *****.

well **** me I’m so tired of being ****** by everyone else

I’m ****** on the street

I’m ****** on the stairs

I’m ****** in the bathroom

I’m ****** in the air

I hang there

a modest bauble on the Christmas tree

no fancy lights lingering on my surface

only the darkness and me

build a house in the middle of the desert and fill it with water

open the door and it all gushes out

draining in tiny valleys and pathways carved from the silent sand

used-up little fool

empty vessel for a ghost

empty vases filled with dead tulips

and a sink filled with ***** water

sunlight has long since left

it’s so simple to see—

only the darkness and me.

this is socialization,

running to work

running to the store

running straight home

running out of places to run

distrust before you disguise the beggar

lying in a pavement grave meant

to be a home

slimy fingers sticking up there—

disassociate—

break—

imagine a world without any *******

imagine a world that is free;

I am only filled more with hate

each time you penetrate

I lose a little more gold

a little more water

a little more spirit

a little more soul

each time you **** me

all I can see is red,

flowing red

draining in the stagnant pools of the narrow bed

I
am
******

and not in a clawing flesh, body convulsing, banging headboard kind of way

that kind of ****** I can rock the **** out of.

No
I am more the
twisted mess of forced misconception
enlightened by time innocence forgot
forced into a life guided by trust in the lies truth told

Yeah,
it's the end of life as I know it
that's the kind of ****** I am

I knew joy
it was based on trust in what was true

I knew love
it was built on that same foundation

So yes,
I am ******
this mess of **** crumbling to pebbles while blinding me in the dust of my own ignorance
is anything but blissful

and all I hear are the cries of beautiful dying
not that dying is beautiful, though it can be
but of the death of beautiful things
of things I found implicitly lovely
the painful dying of all I believed was good

I am so ****** sideways

protected by others
I can no longer say for certain who I am
or who I believe myself to be

****** hard and unrecognizable
***** into truth by the kindness of others

No more questions because I am ****** that way too
no one wants to hear their old news and ***** laundry

I knew love once
now all I love, I question
reliving my choices in reasons why
trying to piece together my life had I always known
trying to define how I love by my own definitions
and not by what I knew love to be
because that love never existed
only in my ******, shattered memory

So, hey
guess what
I used to love you
now it's tainted with yesterday's **** streaks

I'm still me
But boy
am I ******

I'm too ****** up can't fix me now
Not sure I would even know how
Probably wouldn't change if I could
Too bad to want to be good
Head strong and stuck in my ways
Natural born rebel...Can't do as they say
Too wrong trying to be right
Rather sleep in the woods any night
Then fall asleep in the presence of men
Shiesty disguised as your friends
I'm too ****** up and far to lost
Too much time passed; my blackened soul rots
Too ****** up to ever be found
No hope for my Gypsy won't slow down
They say I'll never settle in
I'm too ****** up; I've always been
Born and raised in old school ways
I miss how it was those days
I'm ****** up but so's the rest of this world
Not simple like when I was a little girl
So I'm okay with my ****** up self
Rather be me than anyone else
I am okay; Forgiven my sins
I am at peace with the life I've lived
A few regrets yet they taught me alot
Lucky to have the ones I've still got
Angels watched over me all my life
Sent as friends I met over time
Though their wings tattered and torn
Still Angels to this ****** up girl
To far gone to wanna go home-
This life the only life I know
I'm not right but I'm right enough
Can't fix me now; I like to be ****** up

I live in the absence of presence
proximity filled by emptiness
I look for a god in the machine
but the schematics are held by noncompliant fingers
tightly clutching my rightful deeds
and pointing in the opposite direction.

I’m alive so I feel compelled to live but don’t know how
so when I want to have a night I’ll never forget
I get ****** up
and when I have a night I never want to remember
I get even more ****** up
I think I’m having a good time
but my memory is pretty ****** up.

But something shines through my ****** up memories
a vision of when we first met
you asked me, “What are you up to?”
I misheard you and responded, “Yeah, I’m ****** up too.”
then we talked about this ****** up zoo
and how we could help each other through.

The connection we develop engenders nightmares
I have two kinds of ****** dreams
the ones where I have *** with people I don’t want
bizarre **** like relatives and ghosts
even ghost relatives—and relative ghosts
those dreams can get pretty ****** up
but the dreams where I’m with the people I want
are factored by the power of two
and are exponentially more ****** up.

The dreams become fantasies I can’t reconcile with reality
burying me in insecurity
thinking what keeps me alive is impossible to hold onto like air
I keep wildly grasping in desperate futility
suffocating in deprivation
until eventually I can’t feel anything anymore.

You notice my weakness and attack
you’re a vampire bat
echolocating past relationships you enjoyed more
I tell you you ****** up
and now must slum with a *** instead of number one.

I keep eating up your batshit insanity
contracting your coronavirus
I just want to sleep
I feel like I’m going to die
your fever dreams are sweat submerged stress nightmares
once I start drowning I try to scream
but all that escapes me are the bubbles I live in
they float on the surface, eventually popping.

You keep calling me a clown
so I joke you can juggle my *****
with dismissive sarcasm you respond I should try stand-up
but that’s already what I’m doing
you tell me to jump off a cliff
but I already have
exasperated, you scream I should literally **** myself
but I already write of my own death every night.

You separate from me like a head from a neck
after the noose that tied us together severed our connection
I fell to the ground and realized I was still alive
and started downplaying the bounty on my head
which seems much larger when one sees it on a wanted poster.

I’m not looking for a person
I’m searching for a feeling people are capable of delivering
I don’t care where I find it as long as I do
people often ask me if I’m more attracted to men or women
I find the question somewhat annoying and I’d rather not answer
but if you forced me to choose by putting a gun to my head
that might turn me on even more.