i am always
pushing away
the people
that bring me joy
because i always think
in the back of my mind
that they couldn’t possibly
care about me
and i try to make sure
i reject them
before they reject me

my life is such a lonely place
my heart is such a vacant space
never letting anything stay
because there are too many
fears i’d have to face

so i remain bitter
and calloused
pretending to smile
when the occasion calls for it
but it’s so rare
that i’m smiling because i want to
and not because i feel
like i have to