i disgust myself
there is so much
hidden inside
that i hope
will
never be seen
in the light
i don’t want to know
i don’t want to care
i just want to
crumble up
into dust
particles
and disappear
with the air
i want the wind
to carry me away
to another place
where nobody
there
knows my face

maybe then
i can
let my guard
down
and allow myself
to be found
i can admit
to my faults
without immediately
playing it off
as a joke
i can allow my heart
to stop filling up
with doubt
and instead
flood with hope
and beauty,
but nope.

because here’s the thing,
i know that i won’t
because i
hide from all the healing
i hide from my true feelings
i disappear
inside myself
when i find myself
drunk
and reeling

i spent so many
years
and tears
drowning myself
along a stream
of all my fears
and whenever something
beautiful
draws near
i put my head
deep in between
my knees
and wait for
the light and love
to just leave me be
and forget about me
to allow me to just
remain
alone
in my uncomfortable
comfort zone