that fear
my worst fear has happened
i’m all alone
no family
no friends
just alone
i’m 19 now
1,500 miles away
i live alone
i sleep alone

family.
“family will love you no matter what”
“family will never leave”
“you’ll always have us”
“we know what’s best”
family is the reason i’m alone
family is the reason i’m this way

i still flinch at the sound of a door slamming
i still cry when someone raises their voice
i still hide in my room even though i live alone
i still creep around the house at night when i need something
i can’t seem to eat without feeling guilty
my ears still perk up at the slightest sounds
you have left me with these scars
you’ve left me in pain
while you live your own **** life
the girl you raised is struggling
holding on to everything she has left
gripping to everything she loves
in the fear they’ll leave me too

how can life go on?
how can i still feel?
block it.
block it.
block it.
hide away.
numb
be numb
please be numb

852 days
longest 852 days
no pain
no silver laced with red
scars that tell a story
scars that fade by the day
need.
          need.
                     need.