i couldn't help but realize that whenever i get mad over something,
i'd scream until my lungs give up,
i'd rage until my blood boils to a hundred degrees,
i'd slowly inflict self harm to calm myself down.

i couldn't help but hurt myself,
i couldn't help but blame myself for every single thing,
even the things that i didn't do,
trust me, i blame myself for it.

i feel like, i will never be capable of being happy.
i feel like, everyone would come and ruin me.
i feel like, only a few people would bear with me at first
but in the end, they'd all give up.

is it my fault that i'm this difficult to handle?
or do i not just deserve anyone to stay in my life?
do i really not deserve anything?
am i that unworthy?


i'm mad at everyone who mistreated me.
but i can't help to be more mad at myself.
i can't help but accept that this is the person i have become.