You were summer and autumn at the same time,
The touch of you was like the touch of the sun on my skin,
it felt warm , and I
I felt somehow a little closer to home

You were summer and autumn at the same time,
you brought rays of sunshine into my life
until the change of season came around
and you, like autumn leaves, danced away
relentlessly following the direction of the wind

Talk to me about your existence in this world
show me what’s inside you
speak to me with words of love and hope
your deepest fears and greatest dreams
I crave knowing you
like my fingertips crave the touch of your skin

Lie down next to me
breathing slowly  I can feel your energy
wrapping around me
take my hand
and in the beauty of this moment
let our souls dance

There is something about this
I cannot explain
the energy, the vibrations
or maybe it’s the synchronised dance
or the feeling I get
every time you touch my hand

But in less than a moment
everything is gone
leaving behind just the memory
of our souls dancing along
and I miss knowing you
like my fingertips miss the touch of you skin

I  live my life
With goals and ambitions
I live my life
Making choices I hope one day
Will take me to
That happy place
I have always dreamed of

A dream,
A never ending land of
Joy and wishes that have been granted
An endless stream of happiness that
I hope will last forever

A dream,
A strong will to live my life
Knowing I did the best I could
But those “what ifs”
seem to be always around the corner
Creeping on me whispering “what if, you’d never left”
“what if you went back”
And alongside those soft whispers
Here she comes, my most devoted visitor
Once again making herself at home
In the deepest parts of me

She likes to be around me
She knows each part of me,
She knows all about my dreams and fears
She loves to cuddle me to sleep
But she doesn’t know
sometimes she holds me so tight
it feels like she’s suffocating me from the inside

So I cannot sleep and rushing through my mind
There are millions of thoughts, of scenarios
That I’ve created my entire life
With plan A followed by plan B…C…D and E
Because the idea of not having a plan
Is ******* scary
Because the idea of not knowing
What’s next
Is the end of the world to me
Because I feel lost
When I don’t know what’s next
I feel lost
When I try to make sense of things
I yet cannot see
So with my hands I try and reach out
For help, I scream and yell
Trying to find a way to soothe
My racing heart,
Trying to find an escape
From this tightness in my chest
But it’s always her
That comes to me first
and with her soothing voice
She reminds me that
it’s always been her and I and always will be

So that’s why I am trying to
Get stronger to learn how to live
Knowing sometimes her night cuddles are so tight
I cannot breathe
Why do you think I go to the gym?
Besides for trying to put my mind at ease
After hearing her whisper
“54? that’s not the number on the scale we want to  see”

Her whispers are so strong and clear
That even when she leaves
I lose sense of reality and
I don’t know if the thoughts in my head are mine or
Are just the footprints she left behind
So I freeze not knowing what to do
Too scared to take on the next move
Too scared for her to come back
And whisper “it’s always been you and I, and always will be”

How do you grieve
someone you haven’t yet lost?
I’m broken
and each piece of me
doesn’t know how to carry on
in a world
I was told
was created by a God
whose plans though
seem so wrong

I cannot breathe
knowing one day
you could be gone
it’s a constant thought that
is rotting inside me
it’s anger
it’s sadness that
have turned my life
into an irreversible madness

I’m yearning for
a place to call home
but where’s home
when your heart is divided in two
when you want to grow old
where you were born
but a part of you
wants to set free
in the land of dreams

I’m yearning for
that warmth that
fills you inside that
makes you realise
that calling a place home
is finally part of your life
but I’m shivering
and home is so out of sight
and in my mind
the unknown is
eating me alive

I’m yearning for
a place to call home
I want to know
what it feels like
to be alive
in a time that
doesn’t feel like
you’re living in limbo
your entire life

I want to know
what it feels like
to know you’re home
for good
I want to know
what it feels like
to lie down at night
knowing where you are
is where you want to be
is where you can be
knowing that
where you are is home
knowing that
after years and years of
hard work
laws and grades won’t be
a worry anymore
knowing that
you can finally rest
you can finally breathe
you can finally say
“welcome home Iz”

And it breaks me
to see a love I thought
was so strong
and pure
falling to pieces

And it breaks me
to see the love  I wished
for my future self
turning into
a broken promise

And it breaks me
to share the same blood
with you
whose vision of love
I have always admired

And it breaks me
to see the pain in her eyes
to hear the pain through her words
that pain
I wish I could take away

You broke a promise,
a love I thought
would never break
You broke my heart too
and I wonder if it will ever mend

I feel lost
I struggle at finding my way
between recovery and relapse
I don’t know what path to take
because recovery is a dream
but so is being thin
I feel lost
I struggle at understanding my hunger
I struggle at eating without feeling a thunder
inside me thumping the walls of my head
I struggle at being carefree
I struggle at enjoying my time
with my family and friends when I am home
when I should feel free

I feel lost
I have been trying to recover
but everything seems so hard
and I am tired
I am tired of trying
I am tired of hating my own self
for not being recovered enough
for not being thin enough
and I feel lost
I feel lost in the darkness of this illness
that I wish was stronger than my own self
because at least
I wouldn’t be stuck
between recovery and relapse