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N Jan 2021
****.
Where do I start. How do I start, knowing that I can never find the perfect words to express every single little bit of emotion and the billion thoughts that run through the messiest brain to exist- mine. Yes I believe I have the most complicated brain in this whole entire universe or maybe I share this same belief with few other beings, competing to win the title of having the worlds messiest brain.

Having just experienced one of the many **** cramps oh and probably the first of the year, I have to say that I am in great pain and anxiety. My toilet is occupied by my mom and will continue to be for the next hour. Many things go on in the toilet. I hope I don’t **** my pants. Have I found myself? or maybe I jumped to that question way too fast. I have come to a realisation that I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. My mind, body and soul has been disconnected and ta da we have disorientation, constant questioning of self identity, a whole lot of self loathing, uncertainty, lack of emotions and the list goes on.

I am now on the toilet bowl and very much thankful for the spicy and alleviating whiffs of cigarette smoke taking over the pungent odour of- I don’t need to go any further do I. I have always felt like a TMI person and sometimes I see that as a negative thing but is it really? What is so bad about exposing oneself and only letting the world know the truth? Do we have to act a certain way in which we don’t address the smallest things that bother us and pretend we are all fine when our wedgies are killing us! Quite tired of putting up a ******* front!

The pitter patter of rain and petrichor helps to calm the discomfort of my stomach ache. The result of consuming large amounts of chocolate and milk on a cold rainy day. This is the start of something new or perhaps something that I have lost. My ability and nature to write my thoughts down. Something so simple yet complexed. Have I hid my innermost feelings these pass few months or maybe...what I have done might just be the scariest thing. Deflecting my feelings and the truth then proceeding to believe the lie I had been telling myself all this while.
N Jun 2018
" That's just me "

You’ll hear her say

" I am lesser than beautiful "
I refuse to believe that
I am of worth
What exactly am I?

A courageous soul who is unapologetically herself

Well, the truth is
I look in the mirror to only see
My reflections disappoint
No longer can I say that
My beauty radiates from within

now read from bottom to top
N Mar 2018
Existence is like colours and emotions mixed together

Sometimes my existence feels like a raging sulphurous flame of intense red and sometimes it feels empty yet deep like the melancholic blue ocean

Whatever my existence embodies, I want it to represent the rainbow, for the rainbow adds colours to people’s life.

But most of the time I feel that I don’t even exist and that I am absent in this world.

My existence feels black, also known as the absence of colour.
N Feb 2018
Some days I feel  everything at once
Some days I feel nothing at all
I let my thoughts consume me
I let everything consume me
Whatever that I do is wrong
Even if it isn’t wrong, it can’t be right
I’ve let everything pass me by
I do not seize opportunities
I don’t not make decisions
I just let things be
I just let things happen
I just let things come
I just let things go
I guess I’ll never be free
Never free from this
This deep water with crashing waves
I see a shore ahead and I try to swim as fast as I can
I dive back into the deep and dark waters because the violent waves scare me
But, the darkness was a shade blacker than black
I couldn’t breathe underwater anyway
It was useless
I either be on the surface
or,
underwater
But neither were those two things a way out.
A way out so that I can live
It was actually a way to die

— The End —