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f Apr 24
bearing the world upon your shoulders
crippling to grasp and smothering to your soul
is this world even worth it
when there is so much darkness
atlas telamon, enduring atlas
the fates born and fostered by you
past, present, and future are
within your arms
the weight is magnificent
the torments and sins of this world displayed so glaringly to you
the pains of humanity are your pains
dread of uncertainty haunt your mind
regrets are
everflowing
yearning for past love in present time with the future a fog, but known too well
as history repeats itself over and over and over
right before your very eyes
you see a glimpse of light
effervescent
fleeting moments of light in this world do occur
but this
this light is strong, it is powerful, but as imposing as
dandelion tufts in a field of grass
like nothing you’ve ever seen before
it takes your breath away
this light is welcoming, like a laugh, but
dare you look?
dare you entertain something more?
you let yourself gaze and behold
a familiar beauty
distant memories and uncoordinated thoughts rush in
the screams of this world
the moans of your own soul
and you realize there is no darkness without light and no light without darkness
it never was and never will be
for all the magnificence this world has to offer
this light was the most beautiful you’ve ever seen
and you look
you really look
for more than a millennia you’ve shouldered the world
the inhabitant’s sins growing to become almost unbearable
the horrors manifested in such barbaric ways
in fact in many ways, you saw the earth was simply
a manifestation of your own inner self
you had become something different in carrying the weight of this world upon your shoulders
or were you always this way?
you are almost blinded with the light
and you falter
you shrug
you feel your shoulders lower, ever so slightly
this small shift in your stance causes the entire earth to quake
earth’s oceans thrown into a multitude of hurricanes
glaciers fall and cause cataclysms of avalanches
earth is no longer recognizable
and yet your soul remains intact
thunderstorms and lightning light up the heavens
dark clouds resemble thick smoke
a battle of the gods
giant gusts of wind rush over entire bodies of earth in the time it takes to whisper your name
violent tornados whisk the contents of the landscapes away
turning shards of ice into lethal weapons
and jungles into something akin to what was once the oceans
deserts into blenders where sand is more like billions of bullets
and swamps into sinkholes the size of continents
and through this all, happening in only a matter of moments, you worry you’ll blink
and the light will dim, or vanish entirely
what if the light was a dream?
but if felt like the realest thing you’d ever known
so unabashedly existing, almost in spite
darkness made this light stronger
this light gave darkness its origin
and as the flames of this world flood your peripheral vision
the light in your pupils
you inhale
and you blink
as your eyes open, you sigh out huge relief
the light is still there
and in breathing, your shrug becomes full
the world inferno crashes from your shoulders
the poles of the earth leaving your grasp
plummeting into the cosmos of eternity
embraced into the arms of another orbit unknown to you
out of your vision and off of your shoulders
your soul remains intact
and with great effort, and patience, you place your hands upon your knees
and you stand
to see the light in its full glory is to know that this world never meant anything at all
and you inch forward
for the first time since almost even you could remember, you’re not stagnant
and as you get closer, you marvel at how the light shines the exact same, not darker
not even brighter
you had wondered if you would see the light more clearly once you were closer
but no
this light existed in spite of you, in spite of the heavens, or hell, or the conception of this world
and your arms reach out, trembling
your breath shuddering
your skin is on fire, and covered from head to toe in goosebumps, you feel the winds of time breathe on your neck
suddenly the light envelops you
your eyes well into tears and your body quakes from your sobs
as did the earth
silly earth
no truer joy could you imagine
no stronger ecstasy could one feel
your body relaxes, and you breathe in sync with this light
you vow never to leave the safety of this light
if you had to carry this on your shoulders forevermore, you would
and you would not falter
and you would not shrug
your eyes already covenanted to never look away from the light, but to marvel together at the universe
in harmony, you move as one
your breaths and laughter creating a symphony of sound and light
a rose nebula
amongst many, yours and the lights story would be a sacred teaching, passed through the ages of humanity
written in stone
carved into the rocks of our planet
told through ritualistic dances by shamans
shouted before the battles of vikings
transcribed by the poets of all time
made into lullabies for the offspring to come
your very own song of solomon
eventually this story, your story, would turn into fable and myth
the earth so far removed from your presence
galaxies away
no matter who believed your story, or thought of it as a simple bedtime fable
it was always told as
the epoch genesis of love

4 - 24 - 2024
f Dec 2023
there must be a use for tears
they’re so free flowing and liberal
aside from the cathartic release of crying
couldn’t we use tears for something
collected tears of emotion for different uses
i don’t believe tears aren’t useful
perhaps i should collect my tears
and anoint my prized possessions in them
when i think of my pain with regard to you
could i collect those tears and touch them to your forehead
could you understand my pain then
would tears become a blessing
a catalyst for true understanding
and when i’m crying from joy
could i put those happy tears on your lips
and could you ******* ecstasy
12 -12 - 2023
f Nov 2023
“i live to let you”
my spirit has been broken by the loss of grains
and i feel like the world has become more grey
i have so many regrets for this lifetime
but i really regret every fight with grains
i’d take them all back, every one
i regret my ****** actions when i was younger
and i can’t lie, i regret things i've done since i’m older
i often feel as if i’m not a good person
but i’ve come to realize that i am a good person
just so broken
and it is is my responsibility to heal, because i have power over those around me
i just hardly see the point of preserving my own life
i’ve attempted suicide, and have never stopped self harm
i hope when i’m gone people remember me for the good things
the laughs we shared, and the intelligent conversations
and i hope people remember i love them
despite all my ****
i’ve realized i never let go of love
“love never dies”
and i’ve accepted i will always love you
i never forget you
one day everything will make sense
and things will suddenly become not a coincidence, but fate
lessons that have become invaluable to who we are
i hope to preserve the memories that light up my heart and mind
even when everything has truthfully become so dark
it’s still true i self harm and love pain, or don’t feel it
it’s still true i don’t value my life and am not afraid to **** myself
it’s still true i am a dandelion tuft-a delicate cancer
but i choose to accept what has happened, what i have done, and forgive myself for regrets
and to never forget love
if this existence ends for me, please know i love you and i’m sorry for everything
11-17-2023
f May 2022
rest easy sweet soul
i love you, i miss you
you will never ever be forgotten, you are one-of-a-kind
your beautiful face when you’re sleeping
your beautiful voice, singing in the car with you
your humor, and how you made me laugh so hard i cried countless times
you are my brother forever
the tony to my effy
i’m going to miss your aarbear hugs the most
your laugh and your perfect impressions/quotations of our favorite lines from our favorite shows
i will miss the way you get under my skin
so many people loved you buddy..
it’s crazy, because you thought nobody would show up to your funeral, but so many people did
maybe, hopefully, you knew deep down how loved you were
i'm so so sorry for all of my shittiness
but for as hard as we fought, we sure loved just as much and more
i know you would have hated some things about your funeral, but i hope you appreciate the ***** breaking bad and ooof maddon stickers, and tony soprano gold chain and medallion we put on you in your casket. it looked amazing on you
i’ll love meadow and see you in her, and feel close to you when i’m walking her
this wasn’t meant to happen.. i still expect to see a message or tweet or update from you when i wake up
you are forever in my heart ♥️ rip grains
04-04-1995-05-20-2022
preschool to infinity bruv🖤
f Oct 2021
i will just start typing. today is october 28th, a thursday, not a stupid ****** tuesday. i've found it hard in the recent past years to find inspiration. i've become quite agitated at the state of existence. i find it hard to escape the thoughts of self harm, suicide, death, dangerous situations for everybody within my site, even though i know it hardly matters. everything hardly matters. it is still true i prefer not to be seen. i am addicted to a few things, things i can't go without or else i'll seize. and i remember i had grand mal seizures as a child. and i see that maybe seizing wouldn't be such a bad thing. because maybe that would make existence not so ******* stupid. it's stupid because even if you are kind, or really make a difference in the world for the good, you will die, your memory, the things you left behind will die and rot, and even others' memories of you will be completely inconsequential. anybody could cease to exist at any moment, it's a wonder some of us are still alive. the planet will die. if this is even a planet. if there is even a universe and space. how can we trust what we have no basis of knowing except the word of a mass corporation and world government telling us there is a universe. but what is seen by you, when you look in the sky, is only stars, and the sun, and the moon, essentially. so you're trusting what some humans say is there. and that's so ******* stupid. and yet we are conditioned as humans at a young age to succumb so much that i am not surprised so many of us never question ****. some people think there is nothing after death, some people think there is heaven and hell. i find it funny because we do not ******* know ****. for all we know, there is absolutely nothing but nothing once your human body succumbs to death. consciousness ceasing. so i truly mean **** all. i really am ****. no goodness in me has ever done true good, and no harm. i seem to bring infinite light, and also infinite darkness. like a black hole. it's funny, i used to liken my first love to a black hole. because they took and TOOK from me every second we were together, my energy, my love, my naivety was ridiculous, and everything they took went into their black hole. i feel they broke me after i thought i had found love for the first time, and irreparably broke me. people love broken things, i love broken things. people loved me, without realizing i was defective to start with. i think maybe this whole time i had it in my head i was an angel because my momma called me angel, and i was naturally sweet because people are typically less likely to hurt someone that is sweet. typically. but maybe this whole time i was ****** from the beginning. because for every thing i've broken in this world, including your heart, i cannot repair. i feel responsible for breaking you when nobody feels wrong for breaking me. where is karma in all of this? why would i be abused as a newborn, child, young teen, and adult and still choose sweetness instead of malice. every mistake i've made, i know at least it wasn't malicious.. and that has to count for something. i've wondered so much lately about ending it all. or becoming what i was meant to be, brought to this earth on drugs, perhaps an overdose would be appropriate. i wonder how long it would take of ****** use for me to die. i wonder if i could be an addict for a few years, and then end this miserable existence simply by one day overdosing, intentionally or not. it's become very clear to me the darkness of my own soul. regardless of the fact that the darkness is a result of abuse and trauma, it's there. i am feeling quite dark in every sense. i've been trying to get at the fact that even if i fight darkness with the soft side of my soul, darkness will still be there. there cannot bet light without darkness. so why not succumb to it? perhaps it's best just to commit suicide because the only other option besides "healing" is addiction, in my mind. and i think biologically i was "meant" to be just like my momma. and it would feel better. i wouldn't think about this ****. and maybe i wouldn't even hate myself any more for everything i've done to hurt you. and "you" are those with hearts hurt by me and my actions. this is why suicide seems the best option, before i have time to **** anything else up. i'm not tired of self harming, and i don't feel i'll ever tire of it. i don't want to give it up. it feels so familiar and warm and deserved. and if, somehow, all my dark deeds could be undone, it still wouldn't matter, because for every person i've hurt, i have also hurt myself. irreparably. for some reason i am so fragile, despite the fact that everybody who hears even one part of by abuse would think i'm "strong". i have always felt like a "delicate cancer". and on the best days where being good, and doing good, and spreading light seems like a good idea even if none of this matters, i am still ******. my mind is tormented. and i can't stop it. and with time, it seems i only think about more and more and more things, and everything is so ******* disappointing and terribly sad, and unfair, and cruel. let's say everybody in the world only felt love, and no anger. like utopia type situation. perhaps this planet would survive, perhaps the human population could do a lot of good. but the point is that will never happen. even if HALF of the population never felt anger and only felt love, abuse and trauma would still be a factor. not just for me, but for everybody that wasn't limited to doing only good things. some people believe that "lucifer" had a good idea actually when he said that perhaps humans should NOT have a choice. they would be forced to behave a certain way, and obey certain laws. i find that interesting. some of my darkest thoughts are that a real-life annual "purge" (this is one thought i have that makes me think that it would be best if i was admitted to the psych ward and had no freedom or choice) would be massively beneficial for this world. maybe with the exemption of like genocide and nuclear warfare.. but truly, this is all inconsequential and speculative and unproductive. i've wondered if living "off-grid" would be a good solution to most of my problems. but those i love wouldn't follow me. they wouldn't choose that life. overall, i feel in the past couple of years i have deteriorated mentally. which is funny, because i've been doing what i'm "supposed" to do like seeing a psychiatrist and getting into spiritual healing and meditation, and light work the past few years. it seems the more "awake" i become, the more i hate even having the ability to think. i wish i could exist in peace, like perhaps i could be a star in the sky, or a cloud, or a mushroom or something. i guess it is true that "ignorance is bliss" i will say one positive thought. that maybe "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". thank you whoever first thought of that. because honestly, that's one of the things keeping me on this earth. not like me being alive is a good thing, but.. it makes life more bearable for me.. even though i feel i don't deserve comfort or ease . ******* away.
10-28-2021
f Nov 2020
I have been so depressed today. I’m going to be 26 soon. So much time has passed. I don’t know where I thought I’d be at this age, but I’m here. Happy thanksgiving, love 🖤
11 - 26 - 2020
f Dec 2019
i feel the new year coming
i haaaaaaate the cold so bad
if all goes according to plan then i’ll have my mom’s ashes after christmas
i’m working on the gym ****
to be completely honest i’ve started restricting again, longest i can go is two days ehh
i’m working on the social phobia
i’ve been places myself with earbuds and you know what i’m proud actually
i still haven’t self harmed
idk exactly how long it’s been since i self harmed
i see the therapist on thursday so i suppose it’ll be a ****** tHurSdAy. Jk.. ? Um it really is just poor humor and i hate myself
work ***** but it’s gotta be done so i’m doing the thing
drinking lots of water
yeah
xoxo
-faith/ nobody
12 - 10 - 19
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