tears     just won’t fall
fALL pLeAsE
or— I will
be the one fAlliNg aPArT

bloodshot eyes
shimmery cheeks
“remember to breathe”
i would look into your eyes
and tell you im fine.
with piled up emotions
some days full
and others empty
within a second or two
the water that overflowed
could become nothing but emptiness
it dried up too quickly
“what was i feeling?”
i don’t know.
i’m walking aimlessly,
daydreaming,
drooling,
sleeping,
becoming an empty void.
i whisper through the winds
and scream through thunders
nothing but silence
no, not this nor that
it’s not what u are thinking
“what am i thinking?”
hmm.....
now i’m smiling
look, im happy, goodbye!

i want to rewrite the stars
to you and me
forever and only

when we were young we all wanted to grow up
but now that we are all grown up we want to go back to when we were young

when we were a child we were carefree, naive and playful with much time to spare
now that we are all grown up we are trapped in our own cells throwing the keys out
time slipping through our hands
as if we are trying to hold water with our bare hands
no matter how hard u try to keep it the more it goes away
and all we wanted when we were young was to grow up?

lets get drunk and drown all our worries
i want to forget everything
i don’t want to be sober,
i don’t want to see the reality
i’d rather live in a state of mind that i want to be
u were my drugs that made me happy
u got me addicted to u
and it’s hard to quit
but i should just let go
because it’s all over.

shattered pieces   s                   T           E
                                  C      a              r
     ­                                          t       e           D

my l♡ve never ——  m A t T E r e D
for my heart have been bruised and battered
I am t  0 R n  and   t A t T 3 R

my love ,,? !#@%+
don’t you know that I’m  h U r T
and b R o K 3 N  by you
whom used the hammer
to crush that  f r a g i l e  glass
that—— h e A r T

but now that we are   a     p     a     r     t
shall I have a fResH start

restarting program...///
feelings back on again——
what was in the bin picked itself back again
the memories flood in again
again.. !$%#¥  a G a i N   A g A I N
going back to where i began.

you warm up my heart
like sunshine in the cold
you look at me and oh;
I want to love you so

there goes my heartbreak
running after me
you pulled me in
and said I would be free

when I cry
all day and night
until dawn breaks and night falls
until the stars light up the dark sky
you will be there
you will be there for me

pulling me into your warm embrace
warming up my ice cold fingertips
and kissing your soft lips seemed like the sweetest thing
everything seem to stop at that moment
as if the whole universe froze and gave us time for more—
for more—   time
for      me
to pick up the courage
to say to you
I love you

living in this lie
even when i know the truth
i don’t want to wake up
to... this reality
keep me in this dream
no... nightmare
i don’t care
even if it was to live in this nightmare i am already living in
i don’t want to wake up
to more...

hot red cheeks
hands touching them
as it blushes even brighter and redder
getting closer and closer
until our eyes met
your fingers traced my lips
as you move closer
and closed your eyes
your hands pulling me in
to embrace me tightly
I closed my eyes gently
and our soft and delicate flesh touched
I could feel you smiling
as I open my eyes
a tiny little
to peep whats outside
I saw you smiling brightly with closed eyes
pinning me to the wall
I felt your heartbeat thumping through your chest
as mine did that too
hugging so closely together
as if we are never letting go of each other

the sun shines
with your sun-kissed skin
and honey brown eyes.
i lose myself in your gaze
when you give me butterflies.

we kissed, we danced
we pranced under the sunlight.
our melodies of music became a symphony
where our hearts sung and danced to.

our fingers interlocked
with my forehead touching yours,
and yours touching mine.
we were entangled in heartstrings
and you are all that i want.

we went through tough times together,
stood by each other
and never left one another.

i don’t want to drive you insane, but i love you, i really do.
i don’t care if you are “thrash” or “bad” because i love you no matter what.
you’re perfect to me because your flaws makes you who you are today.
let me tell you my love, i love you for who you are and i would never want to lose you.

i’ll never forget the fleeting moment when we had our first kiss or when i had your hand in mine.
all i want to say is, i love you.

with the right person
at the right time
yet it was a crime

there were boundaries he couldn’t step out of
there were lines he couldn’t cross
shall he does it
both shall risk loss

my forbidden love
and his heart caged
what a stage
if only we could break free from this page

from these sufferings
from these offerings
offerings for the love that—
sigh

this forbidden
shan’t be hidden
shall my love be boldly written

don’t crush his heart just because you want his pieces to fit into yours

they were both broken
with many fragments to pick
some couldn’t be placed back
but her pieces could fit into his
they slowly assembled back the puzzle
and they were as a whole
no longer broken
however soon they left each other
with broken parts of each other
that will stay with them forever

unanswered questions
i’m sorry
i really want to tell u everything
but i just can’t bring myself to
i want to tell u
my misery
my pain
all my sadness
but i can't
trust me i really want to
and i’m always sad knowing that
u don’t get those answers u want
but i’m scared
scared that i might break down
in front of u
scared that u will change the way u look at me
more in a pitiful state
i don’t want that
i like how it is now

lifes that once intertwined together
two persons mess that tangled as one
however the strings seemed to loosen and untangle
the knot that held them together untied
soon enough they distanced and let go

Everyone have their own problems
but they seem so happy...

is happiness fake?

feels torturing to smile
feels like a burden to live
to cut a smile on my face
something’s wrong with me
with this fainted heart
it’s... so...
confusing
what is wrong with me?
my frail heart can’t carry this weight
just... wait...
for me
i... will be there soon.

i just want u to be happy
and if letting u free means that
i wouldn’t hold on anymore
i would let u go

are my only friends
the shadows around me
they seem to follow me everywhere
and accompany me
like a friend would
are u my friend?
come and take my hand
bring me into your world
we shall disappear

the only reason i wrote
was because of him
and for him,  
him only.

the cold wind was blowing against me
it was cold
my body was ice
his fingertips running across it
as if he was melting the coldness of my body
and my body became warmer
he wrapped me in a blanket and in his embrace
he didn’t want me to get sick
i could take care of myself
i... can
if one day he wasn’t around...
i would... still survive
i could.
but i didn’t want him to even go
don’t let go of me
stay here and love me.

her body, it was cold to the touch.
my warm fingertips ran across it tracing every inch of her.
she was cold. i pulled the blanket and wrapped it around her.
pulling her into my warm embrace.
i don’t want u to get sick my dear.
please take care of yourself.
i wonder how u would be like if i wasn’t around
wasn’t here for u
to take care of u
u were like a little child that i had to care for
a child of my own
but i love u
ur silky hair that falls on ur shoulder
that smile of urs
even though it hides the fear
i will still love u even if u don’t love urself
i will love every inch of u

im glad u didnt give me anything
because now that u left
i have nothing of u to hold on to

stop torturing him please
it hurts me to know that
he is suffering
the voices
in his head
please just quieten down
and never echo back again
just let him have his peace
and a normal life
stop making him feel that he is the worse
when he is not
he feels like a failure
when he is not
he is so much more
so stop telling him
that he is not
when are you ever going to stop hurting him
please hush

i love the way u wrote poems for me
i love the way u smiled and laughed with me
i love the way u protect and comfort me
i love the way u gaze into my eyes
i love the way u take longer routes just to spend more time with me
i love the way u trusted me
i love the way u were loyal and committed to me
i love the way u cared and helped me
i love the way u change for the better
i love the way u sang songs for me
i love the way u whispered i love u to me
but i hate the way u left me

i am just the worst person you could have met
one moment im kind to you
another i talk behind your back
lie to you
be mean to you
im fake
and i know that
yet u don’t
your kind innocent pure soul
YOU think that i am..well good at least
and i don’t want to make you feel upset
but i did eventually
you should start realising that i am bad
i am no good
and you should not talk to me
even if i treated you like the worst
you still continued talking to me
i am the worst
please you don’t deserve to be treated like that
by me.

tears like sleeping pills for the sleep
slashes for stress relief
thoughts for scaring oneself
broken keys and pitches
for the melodies one can’t sing
broken mirrors
and—
i hate me

only the first few pages
scribbled with thoughts
it was five years ago
yet u only wrote that much
but through those
i already saw
what went on
im sorry i didn’t see that earlier
im sorry for not noticing
i thought u didn’t know me
yet i was wrong
i didn’t know u
u were suffering so much
yet keeping quiet the whole time
why didn’t u tell me anything
not even one thing u told me
u should have let me know earlier
u should have told me something
now its too late
i can’t do anything
i teared up after seeing what u wrote
im sorry for not noticing what was going on

i never felt so useless in my life
u suffered all by yourself
i thought i could help u
but when u said
i couldn’t carry your problems
and even said yourself would burden me
u didn’t have anyone
physically
u said u cast your problems to God
but u need someone don’t u
however u often think
u are a burden to people
then how about myself
i told u my problems
yet u quietly helped me
n suffered yourself without telling me
all these time
i thought that i could
help u
but when u said i couldn’t
i... i couldn’t take it..
u could take my problems
so why can’t i do it for u

words u said became lies
hopes u gave became disappointment
comfort u gave became cold
happiness u gave became temporary
sadness u gave were permanent.

i didn’t know i meant so little to u
when u said that u didn’t care
if we ever talked anymore
u crushed my heart to million pieces
i thought... i... at least i.. meant something to u?
well u did to me
were all those u said to me
lies?
i can’t believe i’d ever trust u
i can’t believe that i’d ever thought u were the one
months and months
of crying
thinking that it was true love
but now i snapped out of it
and i guess it wasn’t

what u said were all lies
can’t believe that i believed
and trusted fake truths

those lies that u said
were once truths in my eyes
how could u say those
without even blinking an eye

u could lie so blatantly
and i could believe so foolishly

looking back
i wasted my time and love
that i could have given someone else
which wasn’t suppose to be u

death, for us to rest in peace
since we can’t live in peace in this reality

the warmth that once filled this empty heart
this lonely soul
the laughters that filled the air
covering the voices in my head
the happiness that i once had
broke to sadness
trying to make things like they were before
but once its broken
u can’t fix it back
like the glass window that shattered to pieces
it could be replaced with a new one
my heart that shattered couldn’t be.

helpless,
your eyes watered
yet you say you’re fine.
the coldness crippled through your spine
and afraid to fault again,
silence lurked.

you hid your pain with light,
it blinded the darkness
and your sorrows were held high.

my heart aches writing this, but
held so close in your embrace,
still- far apart.  
your presence caressed me.  

just a breath away,
you slipped from my hands.
i held you like water dripping down my bare hands.
now i’m stuck between these spaces,
these memories,
they were crumpled and thrown away into the bin.

tissues that drenched
and pillows that knew every story.
my legs couldn’t take the weight,
i fell to my knees.

the last petal drops
the moon cries
was i destroying something so beautiful yet bitter?

if one day u would ever leave me, know that u will always be in my heart.

i won’t forget u like other people do.  i wouldn’t delete the messages and memories we made. pictures we took that once captured happy moments which fade.

u made me happy when i was at my lowest. u fixed the broken pieces.

it was shattered glass but u picked it up with ur bare hands, not being afraid u would be scarred.

thanks for helping me up
thanks for not giving up
thanks for thinking that there was still hope for us

i loved you.

bring me back to those times
when people were truthful
when true love existed
when people don’t just come and go
the mask we are wearing now
getting thicker everyday
hiding the genuine within us
just so to fit in
we change ourselves to a complete different person
please turn back
look at what u have done to yourself
remove that mask of yours

smell of woods
as the breeze blew
canopies of trees
covering the forest
like an umbrella
beams of light seeping through
through the gaps it shines
like the trees are covering
what is hidden behind

the scene in my dream
a knife held tightly to my hand
stabbed into my body
while i collapse to the kitchen floor
bleeding.
right now,
sitting on the kitchen floor
i could see myself
reaching out towards that knife
please stop, don’t do it.
just hold on for a little while more.
everything will be fine, right?
i held the knife in my hand
breaking down on the kitchen floor
im calling out.
someone
please
help me.

i see that u are tired
u seem troubled
u had ur own things to worry about
yet i add on more
u could carry the weight
that is what u always say
but one day u will break down too
it’s too heavy
and u can’t carry it by yourself
u will finally see that i am here
here for u
so pass me ur worries
give them to me
i will share ur burden
so don’t be
afraid to think u will drag me down
i will help u
suffering alone is painful
u shouldn’t
so i will be here for u

u say to share my burden with u
but why don’t u do that too
u are troubled, living in fear
why don’t u tell me
i see it in your eye every time u talk to me
it says help me
please i want to help u too
don’t always say that nothing happened
don’t contradict yourself
if i were to share my burden with u, u are to share yours with me
because we are together as one
and not alone
u shouldn’t just care about others
start thinking for yourself
and please take care of yourself
don’t hurt yourself
u know that i love u right?
u don’t want me to get sad right?
so tell me everything i will be here for u

this diary isn’t for you to read anymore
so stop trying to pry it open
its locked,
and there’s a key for a reason.
stop acting like you know me
the truth is, you don’t.  
i could write down things about myself
and you could read them
but what about those that i don’t write
you don’t know me,
so don’t think you do.
i’m not an open book like you think i am
some chapters are meant to be kept hidden
and i don’t want you reading them.

heard that u talked about her.
you told your friends how blessed u were
you told your friends how much u loved her
you told your friends that you didn’t want to lose her

you didn’t want to break her heart
but the more u think
the more it worsens
only negative thoughts were running in your head
floating
scattering
and confusing

you told your friends she deserves better
you told your friends you aren’t good enough
you told your friends that you were inferior

you overthink
and soon after you were drifting
and slowly breaking
you were mentally drained
you were tired
and things weren’t going well

in the end, the first letter of my name adds up to the password.
the password consisted of his ex(s) name.

eating candies again
to keep myself happy
i popped one in
and another again
so oo oO oo   sw w eee ee ttt
it drives the bitterness away
give
me
more
more Ee e—
i finished the whole bottle
my body felt like it could float up to the sky
i felt so  h A p P y Y yyyY
i could die

i just want to be friends,,
jUst fRiEndS
IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK FOR
p l eE AassE e e
for once
listen to me
i beg you
just be m-Mm m Y yy
f r i e n d
i r eAl Ly misS yOu
please
don’t you see it
i really treasure you
please.. please—
come back,,

As i first saw the beauty, i walked in. The garden flowers so fresh everything seems nice but the horror lays within, i sighed.

Oh the peacefulness as i strolled slow paced, not needing to look back but once i do i’m never coming back.

What happened, why is time passing away so fast, like we are running through a never ending garden filled with thorns.

Scraped my knee as i fell and i screamed for this to stop. Help me, please save me from this maze i can’t seem to figure out this place.  Guide me out or give me a map, i want to come out from this mess.

please...

The rain pours down, i laid on the ground. No one there for me in this lonely town i cried... But no one seems to hear me, i cried... Someone please help me.