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Amanda Roux Apr 21
I grew up in a house of closed doors and retreating footsteps, so light I wondered if anyone was even there. A house of ghosts, defined by a thick layer of dust on the couches, and doorbells that were never answered.

I grew up in a house of silence, the only signs of life: coffee mugs in the sink, and leftover crumbs on the kitchen counter. Silence so palpable it wraps itself around my throat until it becomes comforting. The microwave cannot reach zero here.

Birds chirp incessantly on Sunday mornings, and the weight of their music sits heavily on my chest. Plants reach for a slab of sunlight trickling between dusty window shades. I can hear their leaves straining, and I want to tell them to stop.

A patch of sunlight reaches the floor, and my cat purrs loudly and unforgivably in it's warmth. Sitting at the edge of my bed, there are hushed footsteps down the hallway, a door softly shuts, the silence is broken.

My throat tightens, and I shrink away from the light. To be unseen and unheard here is to be safe. There are five ghosts in this house, and I am one of them.
Amanda Roux Apr 4
Nobody would believe the reason I know I am more depressed today, than I was before,

Is based on the cleanliness of my cats litter box which I emptied every 3 days. Yes. I'm sorry. I worked alot. I was forgetful. I still am. I felt so guilty. I still do.

Now, I try to every day. I try. Every day. So tell me, how can I be more depressed? Shouldn't I be lounging around in bed? Forgetful?

No. Listen to me. I know it. I really am. I know I'm more depressed now because I am taking care of my cat more...which means I'm trying not to focus on me...which proves I'm not focusing on me...oh wait I'm not focusing on me...oh wait......wait me......wait....wait...


Me.
Amanda Roux Mar 1
I stumbled,
grasped for your calloused hand,
but only caught your laughter
on the way down.

I wrapped its crude edges around me,
so that when I hit the ground,
you hit too.
Amanda Roux Feb 18
misty waters lap at abandoned shells

floating driftwood and
individual grains of sand
are pulled into darkness

what once held carved names
and footprints of lovers
fade into the sea.

like the shore
i, too,
am slowly and irrevocably
swept away.
Amanda Roux Jan 4
Creamy hair gel springs a bouncy curl into place and a flash of silver glimmers in the mirror.

The decades weave themselves through flutters of soft, wispy hair.

Doesn't she know?
She is me. I am her.
And I am getting older with her.

It is a privilege to watch the two of us.
Amanda Roux Sep 2023
9:52 p.m.

The low humming of the street lamp is interrupted by the clinking of the overhead bell, and I am hit by a rush of cool, stagnant air as I pull the double door open. A man slouches over the register, marked by pearly translucent skin and bloodshot eyes. Offers me a smile and glances sidelong out the fogged window.

We speak.
I tell him life hurts tonight.
And, hey, wouldn't it be easier if humans didn't possess consciousness?

                                  He laughs.
                                  It is hollow.
                                     I laugh.
                                  It is hollow.
                                   A mirror.
                                 A reflection.
                                        
We are in sync. Swimmers on an Olympic team that do not come up for air. We suffer. We struggle. We would rather die.

Laced with the reminder: I am alone.

A part of my soul peels away at the corner, 1950's wallpaper never glued on quite right; torn edges lift themselves up and in any other reality perhaps my mother's love would have been waiting for me there.

But the edges continue to peel into a mocking smile. Mocking itself. Mocking me.

There is no hope to be found here.

The overhead bell jingles as I step out onto the steamy pavement, popping a mint and freshening my breath for the coroner.
this is my first time writing in years. i am not okay. that does not mean you can't be. stay strong.
Amanda Roux Nov 2020
do not play with matches
i have been fire my entire life

the danger lies not in flames,
but in smoldering embers
where my demons croon lullabies
that lull me into ash.

a grey placeholder
for a story that will never be finished.

i cannot read those chapters
without wanting
to set all of my pages on fire.
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