Wasn't so much afterthoughts
but rather the act itself;
that myoclonic movement
An involuntary reflex of sorts.

Prisoner to human conditions
conserving oneself with
The illusion of individualism

A Perceived idea of what is natural
An erroneous concept of right and wrong.
Blaming the sky for rain and storm
Instead of hiding under shelter.

Punishing clueless planet earth
Our thoughtless pollution of her the seas
Man and man at war
Setting off bombs just for kicks.

The errs was much more than just
you could taste its bitter like venom;
Blisters from a flame or the sting of a slap.
Tangibly intangible were the sins we did.

Sometimes we knew what
We couldn't be held accountable for
Being not the kind frowned upon,
We did it in such abundance.

But it wasn't their fault,



.
.
.
or was it...

i was late
through no fault of my own
at least
that's what i tell myself
just one of those occasions
where try as you might
the universe won't allow you
to leave on time
standing at the threshold
one final pat of pockets
to check i had
all that i needed
looking up
to gauge the need
for coat or umbrella
i witness
an inhumane globule
of avian faeces
viscous and creamy
in colour and consistency
exploding upon the path
two steps ahead of me
i see no sign
of the culprit
hearing only its cacophony
of enjoyment
or maybe disappointment
drifting
into the distance

They say people come and go
It is the normal way of life
But for me that is not the case

Too many people rely on me
As their mental and moral support
As their final refuge of being sane

Being left behind feels suffocating
Where my world feels numb
Struggling to keep myself sane

They are my source of refuge
They are my only salvation
They are the ones who keep me sane

If one of them left because of me
If one of them lost because of me
The fault is on me

A trauma for the rest of my life

you turn to me but i'm not there
i'm drowning
i told you but you couldn't listen
the thoughts won't make sense
none are clear
they're surrounding
encompassing and unnerving
if i take one last breath
would you notice the body
folded neatly
lying under the baggage
you placed on my back
i can no longer support myself
but you won't take the load
stuck inside your head
and i'm stuck with you
if i stop speaking
i'll stop breathing
so i'll carry on until my
fingers are shaking too much
from lack of oxygen
or sometimes too much
i can hear my breathing
speeding up faster
ready to take off and
fly away with what's left of
my soul and spirit
that you didn't crush
still going as i recognise
the dizzy daze i'm falling into
waiting to collapse in
on myself for maybe
the last time
for a while at least
we both know it won't happen
because of you
i couldn't however much you
argue and scream and shout
or maybe it's because of her
calming my mind
ok i have to stop now
i told you it would get too much
once again i say
i'm sorry
remember me
or the old me
if you can
it wasn't your fault

Fault is all mine
That's I didn't know the value of your
And have tortured you to the core
and now karma is punishing me
By giving me the punishment of loneliness,
In this whole world
Now the most loneliest person is I.

i wish i had known how to hold on
to good things while they lasted
and appreciate them for what they were

but alas, i am a coward
a selfish coward who never learned
that the weight of my words

was just as painful as the blow of a fist
and the spark in your eyes
were drowned out by the fires in my mind

my insecurities and paranoia
drove even the kindest away
this was why the good never stayed with me

                         shakespeare spoke the truth
                         the fault had never been in the stars
                         but in my own self