i used to have dreams
of growing old and gray
with you
that’d we’d retire
one day
and find a place
we wanted to stay
that we’d find a way
to be happy
as a we
but now
it seems
you’ll just have to be you
and i’ll start being me

time stood still
for us
for years,
at least it seemed
little growth
really happened
from the start
to now
and everything between
we lost track
of all the things
we used to dream
we’d one day achieve

and i know i am like poison
i sabotage everything
good that tries
to penetrate
my heart
i **** off all the good guys
in my mind
and keep making room
for the dark thoughts
and stomach knots
that keep me
so deeply consumed

my future plans
used to all include you
now the hole in my heart
begins to close up
but another one begins
to spread
and disease
all my desires
and hope
for anything new

i am heartbroken
for what i’ve done to you
but don’t you feel
anything?
don’t you know you’ve
hurt me too?

things don’t have to end ugly
we don’t have to feel hate
we can still let each other in
sometimes
it’s not too late

just remember that
we were happy
at one point
try not to forget
how much we
really did
love each other

i’m sorry things
turned out this way
but i hope
you will be okay
even if you tried to crush me
with the hateful things
you decided to say
i have a lot of room
in my heart
and if you can behave
i won’t cut you out
like the tumor you’ve
tried to become
i love you forever
even if
you’ve made me numb

does it make you feel
like a big, strong man
to bring up my dead dad
and call him a loser
for being so sad?
and then to compare me
to him
like i don’t
stand a chance
to go anywhere
and i may as well
give up
and go to hell
because i’m already
living there
every day
is a nightmare
when i should be
following my dreams
and not my fears
but i’ve been fighting
with these feelings
for several years
i’ve cried the seven seas
worth of tears
and i’m done with this ****
i no longer want you here
i don’t need your negativity
dragging my bones through the dirt
i’m tired of being broken
and hurt
as you tear and rip
me down to nothing
and steal away my worth
i was put on this earth
for more than your
petty entertainment
my strings are being cut
and i’m no longer
letting you have control
it’s my world now, baby
and there’s a fire
blazing in my soul

i am always
pushing away
the people
that bring me joy
because i always think
in the back of my mind
that they couldn’t possibly
care about me
and i try to make sure
i reject them
before they reject me

my life is such a lonely place
my heart is such a vacant space
never letting anything stay
because there are too many
fears i’d have to face

so i remain bitter
and calloused
pretending to smile
when the occasion calls for it
but it’s so rare
that i’m smiling because i want to
and not because i feel
like i have to

i have become
a worm
so many times
falling victim to my own
mistakes and poor choices
and allowing myself to shrivel up
into something pathetic
and ugly

i have been told
and convinced i’m worthless
that i can’t do it
on my own
and i keep
becoming
that little worm
over and over again

the prospect
of building a future
scares me much more
than the idea
of death

i haven’t given up yet
but the dark thoughts
are consistently swimming
around in my weary head

somehow,
you see someone
worth saving
you see past the ugly
and help me to realize
that there could be
something better for me
that maybe i can do it on my own
that maybe i have a chance
to actually live for once
instead of just existing
i’m going to keep clicking
my heels
until i find
myself a home

there is a lot
i know
i could give
if i allowed myself
to want
to live

but i tend to be
much more of
a teaser
than a pleaser
i want to be loved
but am too
afraid to let
anyone in

my body is a nightmare
it scares me
more than anything
i have hated it
for as long as
i can remember
dating back
to when i was just a child
with self harm
being contemplated

my biggest fear
is being seen
i am so ashamed
of me
that i
always compare myself
to everyone else
i could possibly be
raised on self loathing
and insecurity
never learning
how to find
my own
body positivity

i often feel ugly
unwanted
and unworthy
of anything
but the pathetic
little existence
that i’ve enclosed myself
within
i wish i could cut off
all my skin
take out my innards
and build myself again

but
a needle and thread
couldn’t reconstruct my head
yards of yarn
couldn’t crochet
my crooked mind
and smile
away

it would take more
than shiny buttons
to spruce me up
because i’m
******
and
i forgot what i was saying
before my honesty got lost
along the thought
process
of the things
i try to confess
before the drinks wear off
and i’m back to square one
trying to find my way
to the top
of the bottom
which is
where i’ll
likely
stay

i am only
just pretend
like an
imaginary friend
there is a me
somewhere
that exists
but i don’t think
anyone has
ever been
introduced to her

i play games
with myself,
with strangers,
friends,
lovers,
with family,
coworkers,
and others

i don’t take
anything seriously
and it eats away
at my stability
it tramples me
with insecurity
and keeps stimulating
my curiosity

i’m like a cat
waiting for something
bigger
and better
to **** me
but looking at my watch
time never stops
and none of these
******* got
bigger *****
they can’t get this crazy
**** down
long enough
to set their clocks
they just keep
******* and wishin
they could touch the scars
i have gotten
from all the times
i’ve reached up
for the stars

yeah, i’m really ****** sick
and i don’t know what to do with it
i could let it break me
or let it take me
where i really
want to go
up high
down low
back and forth
to and fro
i’m gonna puke
i think i’m dead
where’d i go?
which way is home?
where’s my mind?
what’d i do?
oh ****
oh no

connecting with you
on this level
of openness
has really helped me
to learn
and relearn
a lot of things
about myself

i have tucked away
so much
to try
and fit
into
the lives
of the people
i’ve loved
over the years

whether friends,
family,
or partners
i try to be open
in the beginning
and if i really
like the person
and they seem offended
or turned off
by something
i mention,
i usually weigh the decision
of whether to keep
the person
or
keep the habit

but it’s so different
with you
we’re just
two freaks of nature
who seem to click
in the weirdest
and most fun ways

even when
we tell each other
really ****** up ****
it doesn’t send
the other running

if anything
i feel like the ways
we’ve been able
to open up
have brought us
way closer together

it’s now
or forever
or something

i dunno, babe

i’ve been drinking

****, i love you

but what am i thinking?