Who am I kidding, calling you a crush?
When clearly you are so much more.
Oh, these confessions, whispered in a hush,
For nobody's ears, still raw and sore.

My wounds are fresh, I keep them from healing,
Cutting the flesh, to cut out the feeling.

It's futile, you're still here, in my every breath,
I obsess, I confess, it smothers me to death.
I hesitate, desperate, I tell myself to stop it,
But stubborn heart won't let go, not even for a bit.
Like gasoline, dangerous, wild once it's lit,
These shackles bind me, drag me down, to the bottom of the pit.
This infernal storm, this hurricane,
Consumes me from inside -
this hollow everlasting pain,
This ache I have to hide.

Fear not, my love, this tidal wave
Will only damage me,
To this affliction I'm a slave,
It'll drag me into the sea.
No one will hear as I implode,
Consumed by my own soul,
The self-destruct has no code
To prevent ashes and coal.

I won't die on the outside, but this much I know:
This hollow husk carries a torch with an eternal glow.

Like a chemical burn, poison on my skin,
The truth slices and stabs from within.
You're out of my reach, distant as the stars,
As if separated by hard iron bars.

An aeroplane flying overhead, to a far-off land,
A ship in the distance, as I lie on the sand:
Yearning for mirages that I'll never catch,
A lost left shoe, without its proper match.

I am a fool - I'll say it yet again,
And write it, indelible, with a stroke of pen.
Sanely insane, aware of my flaws,
Yet Cupid won't let me out of his claws;
He is no angel, but a demon instead,
His cruel jokes strike me like a weight of lead.

I am an anglerfish, and you a coral reef -
I dwell in darkness, while you could blind the sun.
I wish I could turn over a new leaf,
But I'm stuck, like a jammed safety on a gun.

You've made it clear,
I see it now:
There never was a chance;
And yet, my dear,
My heart will bow
To you, as if in a trance.

Curse you, curse me, curse this Universe and Fate,
**** these feelings and this hunger I can't sate.

You are my doom, a Laura reincarnate,

and I Petrarch, bound to you by fate.

I'd pray for salvation, but whom to implore?

You? Or a deity I believe in no more?

.

You lurk, uninvited, in the corners of my mind,

the edges of consciousness, never hard to find.

Invading my thoughts – it's not very kind,

it is a death sentence, that I myself have signed;

Because I made no attempt to dispel such a thought,

visions of you, my heart blindly sought.

.

You are my drug, and recovery I shun,

I've tried rehab, but addiction has won.

You wouldn't ask Earth to give up the Sun,

or a bullet to fly without a gun.

So, trying to quit – with that I am done,

After countless failed attempts to run.

.

You are my sorrow, but these lines ease the pain,

as burns and bruises hurt less in the rain.

I turn my heartache into verse, and time slows,

as bittersweet loneliness into words flows.

I drain myself of the pain, I keep it at bay,

however, it never completely goes away.

.

In these poems, it is you I address,

but I wouldn't ever let you see this mess;

I write so this torture would hurt a little less,

as, repeatedly and fruitlessly, my love I confess.

So, these lines will never ever go to press,

as you won't hear my lips whisper: "S".

And so, you slip through my fingers, a chance I never took,

I want to convey it all in one final look.

You're going away, for who knows how long;

I smile, wish you well, and try to be strong.

Perhaps in another life, it will be our time,

Perhaps I'll be yours, and you will be mine.

I never had the courage – I still have none –

To tell you, even now, when it's all said and done.

I didn't think you'd be leaving so soon;

You left my sky empty: no stars, and no moon.


You're moving on, to bigger and better things;

The world is your oyster, wind beneath your wings.

Care to share a hint, of what victories await?

What is your plan, for this clean slate?

"When the Universe reveals it to me, I'll let you know",

Mysterious as always, even as you go.

And though it's not forever – you'll drop by here and there –

It feels like a death sentence, it just isn't fair.

Because although you don't, I still care:

I want to see you, no matter how rare.

It is pathetic – I am well aware,

You'd think my heart would be the worse for wear.

I still carry a torch for you – I don't think I'll cease,

This heartworm will never let me have peace.

So goodbye, my love, my Adonis in a tracksuit,

My silent suffering, the melody which leaves me mute.

Do you feel as lonely as I often feel?

Are you also misunderstood?

Perhaps we could help each other heal,

Would you try? I know I would.

A kingdom for your thoughts –

I only wish I knew

how to connect the dots –

What's making you blue?

You say you can't sleep,

but you won't say why,

your secrets you keep,

I try not to pry.
.

Beneath an icy surface,

a hidden magma river;

an unseen furnace,

as silent as ever.

You let no one in,

an armour with a smile,

but can you truly win,

isolated on your isle?
.

Let me share your troubles,

prove to you my worth,

rebuild castles from rubbles,

gold and silver from the earth.

.

It's these days that **** me - the good ones:

when we get along and you laugh at my puns.

When it seems like we could work, and our interests align,

am I projecting or did you just give me a sign?

When you lean in to whisper an inside joke,

do you know how many feelings you just awoke?

I had them sedated by distance and time,

now once again I need you to be mine.

.

I tease you lightly and you crack a smile,

and my gaze lingers on yours for a while.

Whenever we talk, I tend to find

little similarities that seem bind us

- has it ever crossed your mind? -

the tiny barriers we leave behind.

I want to know even more,

to open every closed door.

The mysteries in your core,

all the details that I adore.

I want your secrets, whatever they are,

every dream, hope, and every scar.

Trust me, let me be who you need,

I'll be there even when you hurt and bleed.

Let flowers blossom from the seeds

of trust and care, above the weeds.

.

What's the matter, love? (The last word I don't speak)

You say it's just life, and no further I seek;

I won't ask more, lest I push you away,

when you're ready, I know you'll say.

I'll wait however long it takes,

I'll stop when you want to push the brakes.

For time is truly all I've got,

time, and this Fire, burning hot.

Fire, that could melt the ***,

all that is, and all that's not.

One day you'll see that that's a lot,

this red string in an eternal knot.

.

These silver cobwebs cannot rust,

the dewdrops on them sparkle just

in spite of all the charcoal dust,

and one day, I will earn your trust.

'S' is for Sorrow, 'S' is for Sadness,

today and tomorrow, driving me into madness.

'S' is for the Sweet Sound of your voice,

for the Seduction that gives me no choice.

'S' is for the Smiles you flash without thinking,

as I feel my heart inevitably Sinking.

The fresh Start I thought I could have

if I Stayed away, but I wasn't so brave.

'S' is for the Song my heartbeat sings,

so close, but not mine, and that Stings.

The Simmering feelings that just won't fade,

the truth behind my everyday facade.

'S' is for Silence, that cuts me deep,

alone, without you, and I can't sleep.

'S' is for Sunlight incarnate,

bound by a red String of fate;

a hunger only you can Sate,

my weakness, which I hate;

my Sanity - for that's too late,

this love has become innate.

You have me reduced to dust again;

signed my death sentence with an invisible pen.

Why were you there? I wasn't prepared

to pretend I'm cool and that I never cared.


Surprise attack: you called my name,

from behind my back, suddenly you came.

Your lips are moving, but my mind is one-track,

I was getting over you, why are you back?

But you have no clue - do you, my dear? -

Just what you do to me whenever you're near.

I maintain a facade of smalltalk mundane,

smile to you brightly to stifle the pain.

You're mildly bored, looking over your shoulder,

Polite yet detached, like ice, but colder.

An ice sickle stabbing into my heart,

cruelly careless, as I fall apart.

Then she calls you over - you have to go -

there are more people to which to say hello.

Who is she? I dare not ask,

Barely maintaining a carefree mask.

I have no right; like a homeless vagabond,

I bid you goodnight, as you go beyond

my sight, trailing a red-stringed bond.

Verses find me in my sleep,

memories that go too deep.

Running from thoughts, I keep busy,

running from myself, until I feel dizzy;

Workaholic - almost free,

avoiding places where you'll be.

Because you've made it pretty clear,

kind and polite, but not always here.

Sooner or later, I'll move on,

I'll live, this pain will be gone.

You're perfect for me, but I'm not perfect for you -

time to face reality, I know that much is true;

Even though it hurts, like a chemical burn on bare skin:

10-molar hydrogen peroxide in comparison seems like a pin.

I promised I'd stop talking about you - I'm driving my friends insane;

so now I'm left alone, silent in my pain.

You make me want to be better, to reach for the stars,

igniting dreams I gave up on, healing old scars.

Nobody else is enough, whatever they do,

why can't I love another, instead of you?

I have no shortage of suitors - why can't I quit

this useless addiction, destroying me bit by bit?

I could be happy, if only I weren't stuck

on what I can't have, what's beyond my luck.

I need to travel, to get away far,

to another galaxy, find a new star.

Unfinished - my thread of thought breaks -

I'll forget about you - whatever it takes.