Just another day.

Weeks have gone by with me in this funk.
Don't know what I'm doing.
Don't know where I'm going wrong.
Waking up is worse than falling asleep.
Nightmares next to my patient husband.
Drained more than I started with.
Cannot remember what went on.
Days and days, just another day.

Just another.

Just...

Don’t try to pretend that you were in my place...
The circumstances... yours weren’t mine...
being emotionally abused by the only one i felt like i could trust
who made me think he trusted me.
being sexually assaulted and then living with that FEAR.
Constant.
Pressssssssing.
learning that my temptation to cut is a need for adrenaline,
Not a need to cut the pain away.
what does cut to the core is
After I learned all of this about myself,
You let me know
“you hurt me and everyone around you”
“your tendency to lash out prevents trust”
THIS is different than depression
Even if the symptoms are similar.
I needed to trust someone who was safe then,
But no one was emotionally available for me.
Not even you.
When you sat typing on the computer and calling me annoying.
i was crying out for help.

please don’t pretend now.

Hold me closer
My Darling Dearest
Every night
As I try not to fall apart,
But it was never your fault that
I feel sad.

The love I have for you is deeper than you can imagine.

I still find it hard to speak.

Tongue is twisted,
Guts knot,
Heart aches.

How can I describe.
How would one understand,
The feeling of disintegration,
A dissipation of numbness.

Why would one want to understand?
Why you?
How can I describe...

More than I could have asked for, more than I could ever dream...
Kisses with you,
Your hand in mine,
Kneeing with you,
Exchanging rings.
I will never give this up for anything.

I can feel your love for me, and
Wish you weren’t so far.
You, me?
I’m excited to have this forever view.

You help me bloom,
Watching movies, eating pizza,
I never want this to end.
You on one knee, and I
Happy, ecstatic, YES!!!
The pitch of a piccolo.
Forever in Sixteen.

My dreams have almost become reality,
Blurring lines between what is now
And what I always wanted.
Falling asleep listening to your
Melodic voice on the phone
While you’re hundreds of miles away.
I love your rhythm, your music,
The tones, and the love I hear.
Sleeping, dreaming that your strong arms
Are around me.
Your heart beat and warm kisses
Are beyond description.
I feel if any human could love me forever,
It would be you.
Last step until living in a dream:
Marrying you.