white powder mildew in my ears
whisper something I can hear
it's fear
give me something to harness
maybe fill this emptiness
it's clear
two blue eyes and a mouth full of doubt
I want to hear you shout
that you're here
Feeling broken all the time I lose myself
within the rhyme
my dear

cold winters rain
weathers game
I'm feeling insane

I'm a black dove
you're a green-leaf newt
I'm not sure what to do

green leafed crystals canopy
over me like
a cave
surrounded by a miracle
working but never
a slave
no dreams could dare to stand against
such a sweet
magnificence.

in the wind
they bowed
as I danced
in and out,  through & through
small white plastic
cubes
inescapable t a n g l e s
reach up and under while
imagining

all the
                        a
                            n
     ­                            g
                              l
                         e
                    s

blood lines
moon veins
balance in
taking chances
beneath the skin
charging chakras

chanting mantras
demons creeping
loving to taunt us
one mentions two
the placebo begins
so rather than holding
on and sinking in
we're sprouting out
as Fall begins

ancient colors
soft chilled winds
clouds parting
faded sunlight
canopying in

green folds to gold
as brewing stories unfold
every month a holiday
from the first to the end
growing older
repeating habits
writing again
writing until my sins
feel less like sin
and more like progress

progressive evils
tentative friends
nature morphing
surrounding me
a creature again
paling and darkening

Headed for the desert where
brown sands and blue skies
hold no traces of my insides.

His loves were his lies
tough and sticky, his words
taffy words, which I would chew
all tangled in my teeth and beginning
to root deeper until his lies were my gospel.

With faith so stubborn it refused to let go,
I began to breed his insanity through
following and repeating, cavities,
bad habits that feel good for
brief moments until you
wake up wanting to
disappear, rewind
or just die, to
forget it.

Headed into the mountains
where towering trees teach me to Stand Tall
and the river tells me to Let Go.

The wind whispering:
                         secrets are for the weak.
                          
Discretion is what creates mystery,
filtering speech is a gift I have yet
to behold for much longer than a
meditation in a crowded room. so
instead of passion, I choose peace.

Headed to downcast weather and
snow littered pavement. Fresh air
and a new enchantment, where I
find opportunities with each inch
that layers upon layers, snow like
onions, skin like ice, onion hearted
peeling and half in the trash, half
in half just barely beating for more
sense of security in adventure and
pulsing and throbbing with the
excitement for the unknown.

patience is peace. patience is peace. patience is peace.
peace is release. peace is release. peace is release.

alright, don't invite me
see if I care what you
share with the other people
you might call friends
who are simply pawns.

                  it feels strange to finally write about you

I was going to write by
hand and in a letter
but you never deserved
it in the first place so
why? I ask myself why
in the hell would you deserve it now?

you said you like
me because I'm articulate
In reality I think it's because
I took your **** without spitting
everything back for you to look at
you brought my hand to the bottle
made me numb to your toxicity
while I was ******* on your
***, never ******* both, HA
you only kissed me when
you were bored and
never because you
really wanted it
hating truth
hating you
......    ......
     ......

alright, I DON'T HATE YOU, but I want to tell you
                 i hate you
for what you let me become and for what you didn't tell me
for all the time I spent thinking about you and for all the time
wasted wishing that you thought about me too for what you
always gave and for what you never gave because all I ever
wanted was tobeclosewithyou apparently I got trapped in
one of those cliche phrases "keep your friends close and
you enemies closer" perhaps you knew I wouldn't like you
if I wasn't drunk, you knew I would get bored and leave

well, chocolate truffle, you were my worst mistake

I am learning who my friends are

darling, you were only fake

popular outcasts
    drawing together
only go out in downcast
                weather
        tangled or tethered?

eating energy to release energy
    an expense that tastes good
chewing instead of grinding
   succulent daze leave me
crazed in this maze
   left to digest what's left
of what was supposed to never be
    maybe it was all me trapped
in my own fearful mistakes
     tossing and turning in nightmares
so afraid I dare not wake to reality
   scary, but in a different way

tired of fighting
glass words
leave me shattered

kisses and touches
that I once thought mattered
rebuild me
with your broken wings
let me curl your feathers
so when you leave
you're in circles
still thinking of me

blinking
squinting
lost in the ride
afraid of what's ahead
a suicidal girl
who already feels like she is dead
eating bread
staying home alone
letting the music play
and the TV drone

**** instead of *** today
******* the thoughts away
legs have never been an open gate
although she doesn't make you wait

you're special
shut up
get inside
eat a home cooked meal
and ******* love yourself

*******
love
yourself

if our first kiss
was my last kiss
I'm not sure if
I would miss
the others
anymore
sinking
feelings
nothing more
more sore
or worn out from the throw of it
the bend and shortly following
the snap
snapping back into reality
back into myself
ego fully shattered
from receiving decent help
from my God
whichever one...
you believe or disbelieve
doesn't mean a thing to me
whole
completed
alone through the thick
and the thin of it
my backs
backed tight
and I'm starting to get
a hold of it
feeling the mold of it
moist clay
not so gentle and fragile
when it's dry
it's bound to break
so here's a thank
you
for all that you do
all you don't do
and whatever
we do together
never better
at least it
no longer aches
when we're apart
shattered heart no longer glaring
simply healing in it's staring
good night
slow and steady
good morning

are you ready for the day?

love turns to
want
turns to need
turns to,
"don't talk to me,
please."
hate burns
to dislike turns
to just might,
burns it's black light.

I lost you in the purple hues
of all things we used to do.
I  knew that what I felt was true,
you could see it in my eyes
and feel it in my touch,
I'm being honest
and I think it scares you.

disconnected
hot, tired
restless
sick of waiting

reconnecting
warm, tired
overwhelmed
still wanting to test this

swarming under the sun
we take turns
finding breaks
through the buzz

stuck together
seeking flowers
with skin soft as silk,
milk made of nectar

Bukowski says poetry is not for the faint of heart. I feel a small ache as I turn another of his pages. What have I been neglecting? Myself, the words, the reality? The reality which the words showed me. Too much for a growing girl, growing in swirls, rather than up, just crazy. Same road again, almost every morning, anxiety. Awkward again, sick and angry boy. He breaks silence with ****** functions and doesn't like to repeat himself.
Okay, Bukowski, you're right.
Poetry is not for the faint of heart.
he art, she art, it will tear you apart... if you let it.

fearful seconds
overbursting
minute to minute
times grind
separating signs
weeks turn to months
turn to
dreams
again last night
awakening sight
as I closed my eyes
awake in my mind
unsure of what I'd find
while pleasantly surprised
blue waves and black holes
stars that've shown color
stripping away the white
but still glowing
reflecting forgiveness

it's nice to find
satisfaction
in hoping

it's nice to feel
my mind
opening

it's nice to see
a path
constructing

it's nice to know
everything
is fluxing

it's nice to be
me
and nobody else

it's nice to
finally
love myself

nothing comes to mind any more
everything goes and moves faster
too fast to catch, an unavoidable crash
we've clashed and separated, broken
another love for another life
whether we were ever friends
is the question
even though you prayed, "friends forever"

silence discomforts the demons within you
so you hum and sing and talk about nothing
to collapse whatever comfort my angels live in
you'd rather see me withering, wilted
so much beauty in death! so much beauty...

I tap my teeth together, click
I clench my jaw, tick tick
I clench my fist, thick tricks....
lying again, you're lying again
and I cry in your presence
salt water spelling out "stop this"
I bite my lips when I wanna kiss

tortured souls with tender hearts
can't mend one if the other is falling apart

blueberries
raspberries
blackberries
feed me cherries
I'm feeling daring
shut out of caring
music's blaring
strawberries
peaches
nectarines
you're in my dreams
morphing right in front of me
moonlight dusted, coarse,
untrusted.
tip tap toeing
tip tap
tipping over and drizzling,
sizzling steam
let me scream
because
no one is listening

seeing myself in the morning
only this one is different
not so lonely
more homely
comfortable
yet, unfamiliar
not so *****
more ****
confident
yet, restless

I want to hold on
to the best of this
lips pressed into
a kiss, one before
and after
another
never ending
it seems

pablo took me to school today
"esquella mah nillah"

he shuffles along
like the soundtrack
to my everyday
he sings along
to the movement
like the muscles
& the blood that pumps through my veins

hip-hop
split my mind open,
hear me flip-flop
happily irritated
watching your
constipated
face break
heavy tears
you shake
you ache
so take
a break
and take
a breath

digging holes
taking pills
sliding down
murderin'
fillin' hills
the chills
my thrills
no bills
countin' kills
ten fingers
smell lingers
hell bringers
not singers

give me that...
bring me there...

–

shovels
the troubles
my doubles
be bubbles
black moths
white veins
no money
hopping trains
you blame
the rain
for pain
insane
to think
a drink
of water
taught her
brought her
to the edge
nothing left
to take

so...

give me that...
underground....


hip-hop
split my mind open,
hear me flip-flop
happily irritated
watching your
constipated
face break
heavy tears
you shake
you ache
so take

a breath
ahhhhhhh

give me that...
bring me there...  

we're going underground
–

your games
my flames
the names
we tame
the light
breaks night
we slide
we hide
in
the
dark
so take
a breath

Underground...


hip-hop
split my mind open,
hear me flip-flop
happily irritated
watching your
constipated
face break
heavy tears
you shake
you ache
so take

take me
bake me
shake the dirt
from my bones
love's
no longer
got me
in a
choke hold
feeling bold
stories told
so grab
a hold
as we unfold

underground
no longer bound
by fear
my dear
the present is clear
growing and sprouting
underground

–

We are all one
recycled energy
fluxing in and
                         out
               of existence.
We are but waves,
pulling each other
under, and bursting
into the light with
burning lungs,
flowing through the motions
of
daily life.

Sink or swim?

relationship vacation

love trials // take one (year)

relationship inflation

loves cost // takes two (people)

words:
a poets kiss

water:
to wet your
                     tongue
throat                    
               lips

tell me this:

which set of words
arranged in which way
would send me in the direction
of your heart, hands, head, just ahead?

which tone of voice...

soothes you into sleep
to awaken the greatest dreams?

or shakes you into daybreak
to my face, smiling, you inside?

which tone would I need
to hone enough of a melody that will keep you near?

and which would I need to move you closer
so that you would be right here?

What could I hear
in the deep
dark marks
of your scars?

What could I learn
as we drink
walking
talking
playing
in bars?

What more would spill
from you, if, instead of
ingesting toxins...
we just keep talking //
instead in daylight
through forests
up mountains
down river
up stream
I bet you'd beam!

I say it all as if I know you, but I honestly don't know a thing.

words: a poets kiss

drifting
I am lifted
on my own
muscles aching
feels like
rubber bands
stretched too thin
snapped back too fast

sifting
I am buried
inside myself
mind aching
feels like
not enough sleep
with too much to drink
left to sink
thinking
about who I might have met

last night

subtle connections
second distractions
too soon and the moon
says goodbye
as do you

nothing left
save a name
something
one thing
I can keep

I'm saving the memory

I'm not sure if I'm
more sad
             or relieved
that you don't read
what I write
or that I
sometimes
keep you up
late at night
twisting and turning
               sweating body
             getting hot in your
sleep so hot that you
wake to another
smoldering morning
              another hard day
          a chance to fight the world
             to punish whomever
              because you deserve it
             your loneliness a cave
          that you're a slave to
too afraid to find a home
unsure how to speak
    no signs of being weak
       just angry
alone in your rage
your pen writing your wage
as you build up your cage
the walls of your spirit
bury themselves deep
  an attempt to escape
    solemn efforts
    mouth agape
you'll find no empathy from me
not any more, no, not again
no longer lovers, we were never friends
unrequited, ignited and scarred
not knowing your own strengths
you kept your heart barred
then swung hard
   almost a year since
no regrets yet
almost a life spent
wasted and thrown
hollow bombshell feelings
I write you with my fingertips
while I write these poems too
I hope we never cross paths again
because it's true, I still love you

I learned her name
the way I learned to deal with pain
I felt her inside of you
burning fast and hard like forest fires
I knew her memory in flames
which shown through your eyes as we touched
one of my best friends spoke her name
images of you rushing through me like waterfalls
trickling down sweat from my exposed flesh and hanging hair
they ate food together, talked of her travels, proved me wrong again
her name rushed through my mind as I meditated
the waterfalls became quicksand, engulfing me
again, it's hard to breathe, it's hard to think
so instead I learn because it's time again
leave me to the rotting in, writing
it's okay to be alone again
I'll forget her name
as soon as I see her face
her face is in my head, the dread
the song of the symphony in her smile
jealousy and jam and jelly and peanut butter
and let me get fat through sweets and beats blaring
I'm done with caring so much about the little things
just another day to go outdoors, not running, just jamming
dancing along the concrete concord of my pathway
this day has been productive, building knowledge
storing knowledge and expanding insights
again, I say, I am beginning, begging
only slightly... for new beginnings
continuing forward, no delays
soon to see brighter days
no one left to show me
the way is within
steady, forward
let's begin

although, never again
t   o  g   e   t    h   e    r

look at you
I'm winning
isn't that enough?

look at me
you're aching
how much is too much?

look at us
we're breaking
too much is enough

today when asked what I would do with the rest of my life
(if I could pick anything I wanted regardless of money)
I told the whole class that I wanted to be a beat poet
in a jazz band, but I didn't tell them: I also want to sing

my baby told me
I'm dancing with a demon slayer
put her lips to my ear
whispered, "some secrets are meant to be shared."
if only I had cared
caressed her
skin to skin
but habits die
                        hard
and I have trouble beginning
because I'm so afraid of
                                          the end

functioning in beats of
rhythmic movements

5am is the best time for
f   r   a g    
               m   e    n  
                           t e   d
                              m   o    m  
                                    e   n  
                                              t        s
before              I                       rush
                                                            into life
to learn and be learned
maybe even                      teach myself
                watch me as I    
touch myself

another night out
dancing alone in the crowd
music blaring, loud
the singer, a voice
that shouts
sprouts out
emotions
thin veins peaking
thin skin peeling
no longer moist
during day break
simply breaks
cracking in the heat
a drought of the heart
locked in tight
rough beatings
smooth talking
it's harder to move
being held down
when he's stronger
he'll last longer

you're a goner

only a year
yet you disappear
face fading in my mind
no longer clear
all that's left
is your
reflection

silver, molten
spilling forward
out and down from
your crown to the ground
liquid lover there's no other
linger no longer filthy foe
don't care how you are
don't want to know
pillaging liar
I'm out of
fire  
     passion
                  grief
sympathy

simply entropy

keeping together through poetry
not running, but walking, home
the Fall is not so much as a leap
as a gentle floating from Summer
the Heat searing shut wounds
from the bitter chill of
Winter's thrusts,
broken trusts,
tucked guts,
now spreading out in gusts
of feeling in the wind,
the chill of Winter
returning, in tickles
down my spine, my sides,
curling, I twist, and hide.

half a cup of coffee this morning
better than nothing
getting a ride this morning
worse than walking
faster than walking
saving some time
killing the planet
exercise today
the couch won't be too lonely
the internet has many friends
exercise today
your patience
as you speed through the day
exercise your mind
keep talking away

your body is an arcade
tokens cost emotion
                      energy
                        time
sorry baby,
I can't afford to play your games

early darkness
my bed a harness
don't want to tarnish
this sacred time in space
star dust in the star light tonight
let me burn here a moment longer
not meaning to linger with my fingers
dancing in and out of your personal bubble
take me to the moon and leave me to rebuild myself

I've lost it no matter the cost of it and I lost interest in you too

thoughts about the perv.
who is he, why does he
come out with a drink
in his hand, around his band
can barely stand but he's hitting
on each woman that he perceives
to have such low self-esteem
as to take him home with her
that night he got punched
kicked and spat in the face
no drinks were poured
(too expensive,
     and he was a wasted
                                    waste of $7.50)

the mirror has gone black
sinking back into the wastelands
of my ever heightened fright

all love has gone liquid
dripping and spilling in my sight
my hands soaked, grasping at the droplets
thoughts of you slipping through my fingertips

no longer equipped to "just deal with it"

happiness waits beyond bridges
through your gates and over your walls
pit falls, into quicksand and lava, where you live

madness // madness, this bliss // madness...

apathetic sanctuary // my mortuary

sing at my next funeral, I've a few more left to go

ever get so drunk
that you just ****
any attractive person
that shows interest in you?

it's a tough thing to do
apologize?

lovely lovely people
the romantic in you doesn't grow
simply shrinks
with all the drinks
you are
disillusioned
will heal
**** that
not those people
give in to true
love?
it's worth the work
and the
pain?

again
I sit in wonder
about how easy it is
to drink
talent away
how I drank so much of mine
****** it down the drain
instead of tickets
rides on the train
writing poetry
all just a dream
it seems

escape
practically impossible
at this point
too many mistakes
to run away
repairs must be made
only my love left to take
experience has taught me
it's only your love left to shake
from my bones and my insides
thoughts of you are too toxic for me to
detox
all I can hear is the thudding of my heart
can't hear your weak knocks
your eyes are shots
worry and fear
all you
brought
and
you still linger
in my head
as I lay in bed
forever alone
consumed into a restlessness
tossing and turning
rolling over
thoughts of you
my physical memory
is nothing but a haunting
dark and ghostly figure of your touch
your presence
you wouldn't touch me
just lay there
rotting
two feet beside me
too far ahead of me, too busy sinking

"Girls are supposed to be
  soft and sweet."

"What if I want to be
  rough and ****?"

"Why not both?"

"Fear." and silence.

Too afraid to ever love another.
Let me run away from anything
stable, comfortable, or promising.
I must admit, I feel like ****,
no matter how much I crave it
the commitment sinks into me
crushing my very will to survive.
The only way to escape
is to stop.

//no. no. no. no.//

don't forget me
no longer facing
         lies
no
       never yours
forever yours
//lies

//stop. stop.

I can't get enough
of your *******
I can't get enough
of those lips, hips...
eyes

ENOUGH

never enough
come closer
let's touch
/breaking up

I'm too much

waiting for noise to write to
inspiration seeps through
tiny speakers, slowly, louder
cracking and breaking
bursting with emerald
sapphire and lavender
the scents and the colors of sound

like an ostrich in open desert
being approached by three lions
their breath silent and teeth shining
my mouth dries up in fear of theirs watering
it's true that some things never change
the only thing left to do is run away
knowing the truth of the scene
I smash my head into dirt

skull breaking
the earth is
taking me back

I hear their foot steps
crunching behind me
as they follow through
narrow paths struggling
not to get lost in the trees.

Moonlight barely gazing
our surroundings becoming
more of a painting in the darkness
and the previously peaceful
patches of forest are haunting
with mystery and our internal
compasses blur into nothingness.

Introducing myself to the unknown
my followers lose themselves
while blindly trying to match
my pace, my crawls, and my falls.

No longer the leader they meant for me to be
Never wanted to be the leader either way
Always to the shackles anyways
Yes I'm walking sideways
into space and beyond
the chaos of being stuffed into a mold of perfection
so intoxicating and draining
sickening, the reckoning
lead yourself and I'll lead me
that. is. perfection.

reflections: fantasy is a mystery
                           &   reality holds true beauty
becoming human
the transformation from creature
                                            to woman
this existence is persistently assisting me
as my spine straightens and I grow up
an intellectual with spirit and heart
a conscious awareness for each living
creature, person, plant...
the movement of the world
time, space, distance through wind
a lack of gravity and thin layers
to travel into new skin, new motives
creating new memories to outshine
the grime

twenty one and single
broken hearted
feels *******
working hard
day in day out
volatile tactics
repeating old habits
twenty one and single
wondering why
I do what I do
art and beer
*** and fear
nothing is clear
why do I want you here?
things were easy
enjoying your breathing
the heat you emit
the way that we fit
twenty one and single
wondering too much
craving to be touched
who and when
again with a friend
why why why
in the evening
......why
do I miss that guy?