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Phoenix Rising Jul 2023
Sometimes… I really think,
truly think,
I want to be dumb and
succumb to the numb.
Being above-average
in self-awareness and
awareness in general
is a curse.
I can appreciate
the complexities and intricacies
in every day life…But
****,
do I feel so alone…
Because everybody else
seems pretty
content with average.
Phoenix Rising Mar 2023
To the contrary,
monsters aren't scary.
They aren't giant, evil
or hairy.
They're often handsome and
approachable, so be wary...
At first,
they'll draw you in and burrow into your heart.
Your heart will race and you'll feel alive.
Then that's when you'll believe their lies.
They'll emotionally grip you and of course you react.
That's the queue for them to turn it back.
It's your fault they'll convince you, truly.
You'll lose grip of who said what, when and who started this and that.
Your mind becomes a scribble and the trauma leaves a gap.
Once your energy is no more,
they'll unhinge their fangs to find someone else.
Your heart is racing, but you don't feel alive.
You feel frail, wounded and dead deep inside...
Phoenix Rising Feb 2023
I have truly come so far
in my life.
I look back and recognize
the wisdom I have obtained from past mistakes.
I can appreciate and truly enjoy how much learned behavior
I have undone.
I have a long way to go, though.
I honestly didn't even realize it
until I fell in love and got sober.
It's hard to not want to rush my growth
when I see my toxic traits affecting the people I truly love.
I want to change overnight, but
I know it's not like that...
But I feel so ******
when I overuse "I'm Sorry."
Please, hold on.
I'm getting better.
I hope you see it, but this is me telling you
I can feel and see it internally.
I'm ready for therapy...
I think it will make me progress faster.
I'm ready to make an appointment
and go.
Just like I did for my addiction.
That's the next step.
I have removed the crutch...
Now it's time to heal the wound.
If the hospital bed is my drug addiction...
Then therapy is my cure.
Phoenix Rising Feb 2023
Tired of people [typically men]
telling me to smile.
Why the **** would
I need you to
tell me?
Did you think
I forgot?
Let's allow
all of our feelings.
They exist for a reason...
And I hate to admit it,
but pain is when I have grown the most.
I love who I'm growing into.
Let's not shun
the bad ones.
We need them.
So...
******* laugh,
or get mad.
Cry a river
or lay in bed.
Feel them all,
because
they are needed.
Let them pass
and be on their way.
Don't pretend
or they'll never go away...
So, next time you tell me to
S M I L E,
how about you just
get the
*******
away from me.
I'd rather *****
than have you
mold me
into your little
*******
barbie.
Phoenix Rising Jan 2023
You could call me fragile,
But...
Not in the way you'd assume.
I could walk away,
I could let you go,
I could fall out of love
and despite all of the above...
What really eats me alive
is all of my time
and energy,
wasted potential.
A project left unfinished...
A flame smothered to it's inevitable death.
It's the mary-go-round,
it's the never being surprised anymore,
it's being able to guess what's about to happen
and unfortunately being right...
Don't let me be your lesson,
before the next one.
Don't be the perfect guy for her
after being the worst to me.
I'm always the one before the one.
I want to be happy with you,
please don't make me do it alone.
Phoenix Rising Dec 2022
you've got a lot to learn,
but i can't be your teacher
i can't be your lesson
i've transcended

my mind is in a separate realm,
like a server online
that you aren't allowed to join
the password can't be told, only known

you have hurt us
from the fear of hurting us
and you treat me poorly,
because you make up the future

you don't want the truth,
you want me to validate your belief
you can't believe for a minute
i could be a decent human being

what a shame
a ******* waste, truly
so much potential
only to fail from fear
of failing
Phoenix Rising Sep 2022
Just ran out of my
Antidepressants
Feeling pretty
Depressed and
I'm dead meat
Sizzled by the street
I keep waiting
For my life to start
But it's all my fault
I don't want to go
Leave me in this hole
Bury me
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