i want
to see
the world
before i die

i want to
experience
all sorts
of adventures
and learn
to feel
alive

i spent
my early years
focused on trying
to keep
my mom happy
with me
so there’d
be
no dying

then after
years
being there
for my dad
when he
had cancer
and was really sick
he got better
but for
his mental
health
there was
no answer

moving on
to being
used
and
abused
by men
that were
far beyond
my years
and really good
at spreading
tears

to make me
feel worthless
as they’d
break me
into
a disgusting
pile
of goo

**** those
*******
*******
in my
young
adult
years
that tried
their best
to break me down
to
a
little
gummy worm

sour
yet sweet
but always
squishy
in a way
filled with
a sarcastic
but somewhat honest
lil ****
who thinks
way too much
to ever fully forget
what she
can’t say

and then
i stayed
with
and married
the only
decent guy
i ever
dated

no hatred
but we don’t
feel
the same heat
and the burns
we wish to share
are too
mild
and discreet
to be
hot
and sweet

i want to
move forward
with my life
and the feelings
in which
i’ve participated
but i get
so overwhelmed
thinking
about how much
will
go into
making
the changes
i want to

and it makes me
just feel like
giving up
because
i am trapped
so much
of the time

i won’t be
fully yours
as you’re
just
a little bit
of mine

and time…
yeah, **** time

sand drops
grain
by
grain
as my brain
grows
more insane
and my dreams
are all
of you
and how you’re
close
yet
so
*******
estranged

i am often filled
with dread
when the words
begin to stir
like
there’s
a blender
in my head

i feel paralyzed
like everything else
is just getting in my way
and feeling like
nothing in that moment
is more important
than what i’m
desperately
trying to say

and when the lights
flicker
and dim
until they finally go out
my brain
keeps getting zapped
by what i’m
stuck
thinking about

there are little monsters
with pitchforks
jabbing and jamming
into my skull
until they reach
that meat inside
and they fuel
me up
to full
as i’m
feeling
each direction
my mind
is being
pulled

communicating
in a real
and
honest way
is too hard

trying to
*****
and find those
words
i want to say
is like
attempting
to
find
a tiny needle
in the hay

time is a
tricky
little ****

it sneaks up
so fast
and then
stalls
and makes
the most
brutal moments
last

days just disappear
and they are never seen
or lived in again
and sometimes
it’s that fact
that causes
me to envy them

i’ve been thinking
a lot
about my life today
and it’s been
making me
feel
pretty ******

i’ve done a lot of ****
i shouldn’t have

i’ve hurt good people

i’ve let my impulses
guide me
into dark corners
i never should have visited

and whenever
i know
i’m doing something
wrong
it makes me feel
heavy guilt
weighing me down

and then i
always tell myself
why
it was wrong
and that
i’m not
going to do it anymore

and then
i don’t
for a bit

enough time goes by
that i forget
how bad i felt
the last time
i did it

and i do something
******
and selfish
again

the cycle
never seems
to be broken

it doesn’t end
it only begins
slightly shifts
and
then
bends

i can’t seem
to be happy
for more than
a few days
(if i’m lucky)
at a time
and whenever
i feel like
“this will be the thing that helps me”
it is usually
far from
something
that will
actually
help me

i just feel like
i’m really bad
at making decisions

i get overwhelmed
thinking
there’s no point
in me
continuing
my life

i do nothing
but make mistakes
and hurt
myself
and the people
who
supposedly
love me

maybe
you can
teach me a lesson
that needs
to be learned

about how
i’ve always
been
the fire,
but i
can still
get burned

i get through times
that i honestly
don’t want to
i dream of days
that are far away
hoping
i’ll eventually
get
to you

but my efforts
are worthless
completely pointless,
really

i know
how
and when
and why
people love me

it never lasts
i’m a fleeting feeling
used
and abused
and only out here
to soften the numbness
to create the false illusion
of something
that will
never
truly
exist
i’m so often
and easily
missed
for things i can never
actually be
sorry.
i’m just me

words are nice
they can create
a facade,
a cozy home
for false feelings
to fester
and mess up
our heads

my life isn’t real
where the ****
are my meds?

i am trying
to exist
but to exit
sounds much cooler
which way is out?
i see the emergency exit
but i’m trying so hard
not to sound the alarm
in my poor attempt
not to take it
oh, my smile?
it’s fine
i mostly fake it

no one seems to know
even though
i’m not
a great liar
but i’m a decent actress
and i can pretend my way
through this mess
in a way
that
only those
who pay attention
will notice

which way is up?
i could try to tell you
but it would only be a guess

you are too good
and too bad
to be true
wouldn’t life just be
a lovely fantasy
with you?

under construction
this new thing
that we’ve built
covered by
a hovering
obstruction
of guilt

the last time
i felt anything
even close to this
was
never

i want to squish
those bratty lips
into a pucker
like a fish
and give you
an awkward,
but hilarious
kiss
and even though
we’ve not yet
touched
it’s your face
and smile
and voice
that i always miss

this heart
in my chest
says that it
likes you best
and who am i to argue?
why should i
try to protest?
i must confess
that my life
and my mind
are a constant mess
i don’t know if
i’m a damsel
but i’m
most certainly
in distress

****, i really like you
i really want you
i crave
to feel your embrace
to look into your eyes
and rub my face
against your face
to bite your lip
and give you
a taste
i promise not to let
a single
drop
of your
worth
go
to waste

i actually want to live
because
there’s so much
i want to give
there’s so much
i want to share
with you
and the world
when it feels
like just yesterday
i didn’t ******* care
i didn’t think
i could go anywhere
but down
and kept hoping
to soon
end up
in the ground

but here i am singing
and smiling
and doing what i love
with you in my mind
and my heart
giving me
something to dream of

*******, you *******

i love you